I was sad yesterday. I had gone on a bike ride and while riding, my mind started wandering. I realized how scary this will be, me breaking up and being single again. My boyfriend and I have a lot of mutual friends, so I feel like I will have to step back for awhile until the dust settles. I let myself feel this way, but it hurt so bad. My mind (wanting to get rid of the pain) started to try to fix the problem. It started pondering whether or not he is the best I'll get, it told me that it is not too late to try to salvage the relationship, etc, etc, etc.
Last night we met up with our weekly meet-up running group. I opted to walk, so I was all by myself (it was wonderful). I thought that the walk would do me good, but I was just plagued with anxiety.
On the way home he was "chatty" (like manic chatty) He had had 2 beers at the brewery on an empty stomach (I was driving). He started talking about our future (which is sooo odd because he hasn't talked about us in months) He talked about "our business" (I am in no way linked to the farm because we are not married) I am not his business partner (when his mother passes, he and his sister will inherit the farm, but they don't get along, so that will be pretty chaotic when that happens). He said that he'd like to retire from farming in 5 years and move to the islands, I was like "mmm hmmm" Then he started asking me what my goals were, did I still want to move to the Caribbean. I told him no, that I couldn't envision that anymore. He told me it was important that we had common goals. After this comment, I couldn't contain myself anymore; I just released (like a damn) from the pressure. I told him that I have been distant lately because I was unsure about our relationship. I told him that I was in pain because he was treating me like an employee (barking orders and having me run errands). I told him that I wasn't sure if we could go back to being romantic partners after that. I sort of trailed a little (I did not tell him about the house) and he was silent. He acted surprised, but then just carried on, and started talking about something else.
This morning he was still attentive. I am in so much pain right now. My brain, my heart and my soul are in such turmoil. As the days go by, I realized that I will lose everything. I will lose the farm and all the farm animals (I love the chickens!). I will lose the comfort of his companionship and I will lose the dream.
I will be OK, I just needed to vent a bit. I'm still keeping to the plan, but it's just a little harder because he is acting like the old him. My brain is trying to excuse his behavior the past 6 months because he was stressed, but maybe now (after hiring a few employees) he will change back. But is this really true? I was with him before he became a full-time farmer, he was just as stressed and hurried with his other activities as he is now. Besides, he is high maintenance (bed made his way, groceries stacked his way on the conveyor belt, groceries in bags his way, dishes in the dishwasher his way etc.... So "if" this happens, and he's not occupied, I feel like he will drive me crazy!
I looked back at my journal entries and it's so crazy, it feels like a lifetime ago, but it was only a few months ago that I started keeping a journal. As I read it, I just couldn't wrap my head around what I was seeing. Was this really him? The push/pull and lovebombing is what makes this difficult. I think that if I would have left earlier, I would have felt like I made the right decision, but alas, I couldn't have left earlier. Everything sort of fell into place in its own time.
I feel crazy and I feel bad that I keep writing opposite posts (I'm leaving! No, I'm confused!)
I should also add that there is some fear of future stress (with my parents) My boyfriend has been a buffer, once we break up, my mother will try to re-enmesh.

Thanks for reading!