[bohemian butterfly]

I was sad yesterday.  I had gone on a bike ride and while riding, my mind started wandering.  I realized how scary this will be, me breaking up and being single again.  My boyfriend and I have a lot of mutual friends, so I feel like I will have to step back for awhile until the dust settles.  I let myself feel this way, but it hurt so bad.  My mind (wanting to get rid of the pain) started to try to fix the problem.  It started pondering whether or not he is the best I'll get, it told me that it is not too late to try to salvage the relationship, etc, etc, etc.

Last night we met up with our weekly meet-up running group.  I opted to walk, so I was all by myself (it was wonderful).  I thought that the walk would do me good, but I was just plagued with anxiety.

On the way home he was "chatty" (like manic chatty) He had had 2 beers at the brewery on an empty stomach (I was driving).  He started talking about our future (which is sooo odd because he hasn't talked about us in months)  He talked about "our business" (I am in no way linked to the farm because we are not married)  I am not his business partner (when his mother passes, he and his sister will inherit the farm, but they don't get along, so that will be pretty chaotic when that happens).  He said that he'd like to retire from farming in 5 years and move to the islands, I was like "mmm hmmm"   Then he started asking me what my goals were, did I still want to move to the Caribbean.  I told him no, that I couldn't envision that anymore. He told me it was important that we had common goals.  After this comment, I couldn't contain myself anymore; I just released (like a damn) from the pressure.  I told him that I have been distant lately because I was unsure about our relationship.  I told him that I was in pain because he was treating me like an employee (barking orders and having me run errands).  I told him that I wasn't sure if we could go back to being romantic partners after that.  I sort of trailed a little (I did not tell him about the house) and he was silent.  He acted surprised, but then just carried on, and started talking about something else.

This morning he was still attentive.  I am in so much pain right now. My brain, my heart and my soul are in such turmoil.  As the days go by, I realized that I will lose everything. I will lose the farm and all the farm animals (I love the chickens!).  I will lose the comfort of his companionship and I will lose the dream. 

I will be OK, I just needed to vent a bit.  I'm still keeping to the plan, but it's just a little harder because he is acting like the old him.  My brain is trying to excuse his behavior the past 6 months because he was stressed, but maybe now (after hiring a few employees) he will change back.  But is this really true?  I was with him before he became a full-time farmer, he was just as stressed and hurried with his other activities as he is now.   Besides, he is high maintenance (bed made his way, groceries stacked his way on the conveyor belt, groceries in bags his way, dishes in the dishwasher his way etc.... So "if" this happens, and he's not occupied,  I feel like he will drive me crazy! 

I looked back at my journal entries and it's so crazy, it feels like a lifetime ago, but it was only a few months ago that I started keeping a journal.  As I read it, I just couldn't wrap my head around what I was seeing.  Was this really him?   The push/pull and lovebombing is what makes this difficult.  I think that if I would have left earlier, I would have felt like I made the right decision, but alas, I couldn't have left earlier.  Everything sort of fell into place in its own time. 

I feel crazy and I feel bad that I keep writing opposite posts (I'm leaving!  No, I'm confused!) 

I should also add that there is some fear of future stress (with my parents)   My boyfriend has been a buffer, once we break up, my mother will try to re-enmesh.   

Thanks for reading!

[Spygirl]

You may have noticed from other people's posts, that what is happening is very common.

When i left, i said i needed time to sort myself out, and he had his own issues to deal with. I said i was seeing a shrink, and that one of the boundries for getting back together was his joining AA at a minimum, he said he wanted to see someone about his anxiety (the excuse for boozing to blackout). I followed through with my part, he did NOTHING but 3 marriage cousel sessions which he said were "against him". All his behaviors continued, and he was an industrial hoover when he was not screaming at me.


We all support your getting away for awhile. Maybe you date and live apart. Imo, if you do not get off the herion of your relationship with distance, you will not get the clarity and rest you need to make decisions about your next move. I made alot of excuses and stalled alot based on the same thought strategy you are using. Looking back i accomplished nothing with it except taking more verbal and mental brainwashing and manipulation.

Ask yourself this. If the roles were reversed, what mountains would you be climbing to correct your errors? What level of voluntary amending would you be doing if you were made aware of the hurt you caused another, in even one situation? How much deep regret would you express?

[1footouttadefog]

One thing stands out to me.

"He is acting like the old him"

 So he can be that guy.  Why has he chosen not to be all these months. 

When will he decide to no longer be the old him, once more
  How long will that last.  Howuch of your life will be spent waiting for those appearances.

Looking back, I resent all of the work my PhD did toward non practice activities like re arranging and perfectionism nut little useful work at times.

Like spacing the clothes hangers evenly in closets and centering papers in file folders instead of cleaning the bathtub, cleaning the toilets or  doing yard work.

[SeaGlass]

Bohemian Butterfly, ironically I had a talk with my ubpdh yesterday too. I mentioned finally divorcing as our last child just turned 18. This was my goal post. It was horrible and gut wrenching. Ever time I think about it i break into tears, my mind races, and my heart pounds. He made me feel guilty about everything in our relationship, and I started wondering again whether or not I had tried hard enough. He said that if I signed the divorce papers that I would never see him again. This terrified me. Would he hurt himself? Does he hate me so much that he just wants nothing to do with me? Is he just trying to guilt me to stay? I could go on, but really just wanted to tell you that I understand Bohemian Butterfly. My heart hurts for all of us here. This is so tough.