Hi onefineday,
I agree with everything shared here so far. I agree with you, it is a hard journey and I agree with summer sun that the emotions of the 5 stages of grief came up over and over as I separated emotionally after separating physically from the abusive relationship in my FOO.
What I can add to share is that for me, it was easy to find people to listen to but hard to find people to talk to.
As Summer Sun said here, our relationships need to be reciprocal. When I was coming OOTF, I kept taking on friends who didn't really listen to me. I kept thinking that THEIR generosity and reciprocity was 'just around the corner'.
Now I realize this was a codependent phase, one I needed to grow out of if I wanted better friendships. We find people and we are nice to them, and it is when we seek them out for support that they show their true colours. Fair weather people are not interested in rain or storms or even clouds. They really just want a sunny day every day. And they don't really care how they accomplish that. They seek out people who are good at accomodating them with THEIR goal of being accomodated.
My story is to see how being codependent enabled those people, and because life isn't actually one sunny day after another, these people put an enormous stress on me by insisting on a type of experience that doesn't actually exist in nature. They want what they want and what I need doesnt really matter to them.
It was hard to see this because not everyone is a PD. Some people are jist self absorbed. I'm going to say most people can be pretty self absorbed especially if they are stressed.
So many people want to leave the house without planning for rain or wind. Maybe they are tired, maybe they are selfish. These people love codependents who have not found our footing and boundaries yet. We direct our kindness towards them instead of ourselves. Because we did it in our FOO as children, we're very good at it.
But as you know, when you needed them after your recent loss, they were not there for you.
Recovering involves being kinder to yourself than they were. You can do this. And when you have a bad day, it will get easier the more self care you find for yourself. A lot of us here have stories to share with you about coming OOTF.
Each one of us is different, although traumatic family experiences have general effects of enmeshment, guilt and lack of assertiveness. What do you struggle with when you think about your goals for yourself? Some of us wish we could join a team sport others want the solitude to stay home and paint or draw. Your goals are yours, and they are unique to you. My goals are unique to me. As we recover we discover our goals, our vision for ourselves and we need patience and support while that part of us develops.
Having goals of our own, that are truly coming from our interests, can feel odd or overwhemling as we come OOTF. After childhood with an NPD parent, my goal was to make good friends. I like your post a lot because without the self care and boundaries you mention, I had a lot of one sided friendship experiences. You're on the right track for sure. With time and support I have learned how to be patient with potential new friends, and to keep people in that category for a while. I don't rush into helping them anymore.
Looking forward to hearing more from you. This community helps us all on our paths.
Trees