Hi Blackbird.
I am sending positive thoughts. HotCoca had good advice, and I am glad you went to see the lawyer. You need that date of separation in case your husband never consents to divorce. In my state, you can get a divorce unilaterally ONLY after 2 years have passed beyond the date of separation.
But I am posting to plant an idea in your mind. I want you to know I have been in exactly the spot you are in - seperated in a home that I deeply, deeply wanted to keep. I finally filed for divorce after years of being manipulated and abused, when my kids were 2 and 4.
Everything seemed impossible and I felt like I was losing the life I planned. My house was a wreck because of partially finished projects, same as you. The ONE thing I was sure of was that I was going to keep that house. My ex knew it. So he dragged out the process almost 3 years, before I finally got him to sign divorce papers. Those years were miserable. But I kept my house. And I thought I won on getting him to finally consent to divorce and division of property, without going to court.
But, he came back hard and we had a very messy custody battle. I was in so deep on lawyer's fees, that despite having a good job, I was broke. I ended up taking 30k out in credit card loans to polish up the house and selling it anyway - because I had to cash out to stop financial freefall. I sold the house and righted the ship about 5 seconds before things got truly messy.
And you know what? I do not miss the house. Selling it and downgrading my monthly spend created emotional peace. From where I sit now, I think it was probably a mistake to hold out. I could have moved out in 2013, when I filed for divorce, instead of in 2016, when I finally managed to get divorced. I might have had 3 additional years of really living my life. I also would have had 3 more years of only 50 percent custody. But they would have been happy years.
Because here is the thing - my life as a divorcee is AMAZING. I am a happy, healthy mother. I am a better employee. I am a better everything. I no longer spend all of my time trying to figure out how to very, very carefully walk on eggshells scattered across a tightrope of anger and manipulation. I LOVE my life. So I am sad for the woman that stayed for the house. She gave up a lot. I think she would have been happier in a crappy apartment.
Also, as it turns out, I met a new partner. That may be hard to imagine. I certainly did not expect it. But he had no desire to take on my old Victorian house. So this house became a sort of anchor to the life I thought I had been building. And once I was free of that marriage and that toxic life, all these new possibilities were in front of me.
Chances are, this is pretty hard for you to imagine. Your home represents a great deal of comfort to you, while so many things are in flux. People gave me this same advice when I was were you are now - and I did not believe them. I am mostly saying it so that if things get really, really bad you may have at least taken a moment to imagine what it might be like to find a little apartment to rent and get yourself out of the abuse.