Now Is My Chance to Run, But It Still Hurts to Leave

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WesternLover

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Now Is My Chance to Run, But It Still Hurts to Leave
« on: August 14, 2019, 07:21:13 PM »
Hey Everyone -

I'm usually in the co-parenting forum on OOTF. My DS-9's father is a particularly malignant uASPD, uNDP who is thankfully out of our hair for the moment because he is serving a jail sentence. Thanks to him though I have a lot of experience with PDs. Back in May of 2019, I began dating a new man who I was very attracted to physically and at first all of the other aspects of the relationship seemed great. He showered me with attention, texting non-stop and wanting to spend lots of time together. I was happy that I found someone who superficially is very fun, adventurous and into health & fitness like me.

Then I began to see the red flags. He suffered a very abusive childhood - his father was a nightmare with anti-social and homicidal tendencies.  His mother he describe as "so cold, and didn't protect us", us referring to a brother and sister he no longer has relationships or contacts with. Since he confided these things in me I actually tried to help him by suggesting therapy and even recommended this Out of the FOG website knowing how much healing I found here. He immediately said "oh no, darling, I am the one who sends people to therapy, not the other way around. I am impervious to therapeutic manipulations." )He also is not spiritual and doesn't go to church, which is important to me, but again he views religion as just as manipulative as therapy.) I felt an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach when he said these things about therapy and a voice in my mind said "spoken like a true narcissist."

But you know how it is... the sex was so good and we had so much fun going on long bike rides, hitting up interesting restaurants, talking about so many things... I decided however, to do a background check on him and his family. My budding romantic partner has a minor criminal history - went to prison for a year for selling pot, and a DUI, (he no longer drinks), but that's it. His family however, aside from his mother, had a pretty scary rap sheet. Long story short, he found out I did this research and became very angry I looked him up along with his family. He called me an "Internet Troll", and when I explained I did it for the safety of my kids, he didn't care. Again, signs of a narcissistic personality - name calling and not giving a crap about your perspective.

We had a bit of blow out on Monday over something stupid. My new partner has a very sophisticated laser printer, and for my personal business I need a lot of printing. He told me I could use his printer whenever I want, but just asked if I could kick down some money for ink on occasion since laser ink cartridges are very expensive. Earlier this week I asked him if I could come over and do some printing. I made a total joke however, a sexual innuendo, that was supposed to be flirtatious and playful, that since I didn't have any money at the moment if it was ok I paid him in other ways.

He immediately wrote me an e-mail back saying that was disgusting and is that how I always paid for things??!! He told me that was completely unacceptable and never to say such a thing to him again. I was like "dude, lighten up I was totally joking, flirting, playing with you..." I said, "you know what? Nevermind, I can take care of my own printing. You don't need to insult me and degrade me like that." He just wrote back "Bye." With a emoji hand waving. I wrote back and said "you know, you called me an Internet Troll and now scolding me for being some sort of prostitute. I have had enough. All you have to say is "sorry for making you feel this way,".  I've apologized to you on numerous occasions for making you feel bad, but you apologizing to me is somehow beneath you. Again, I know he will never apologize because he is most likely a narcissist.

And he dropped me, just like that. Did not reply to my e-mail has not spoken to me since and vice versa. I know I need to run. I know if I contact him again I'm saying "the way you treated me is ok..." I'm just having a hard time letting go right now, but I need to.  My pride is screaming, "how can you just drop me like I am nothing??!! After all the good times and intimacy we shared, how can you just so coldly walk away? Do I really mean nothing to you, that you can just blink your eyes and erase me from your life?" I already know the answers to that question though, and I tell myself to remember how bad it was with my son's father. I need to stay strong, run and not look back. How do you all let go of the PD in your life?
« Last Edit: August 14, 2019, 07:25:39 PM by WesternLover »

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Scarlet Runner

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Re: Now Is My Chance to Run, But It Still Hurts to Leave
« Reply #1 on: August 14, 2019, 07:36:30 PM »
I am so sorry you have found yourself in another toxic relationship. It sounds like you have learned a lot and know exactly what you need to do to take care of yourself. You have been given a blessing - an easy way out of a relationship you are not yet entrapped in. Run and don't look back. Now is your chance to practice being the kind of person who does not accept being treated this way. This is a great opportunity for learning and growth. Be strong and good luck!

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WesternLover

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Re: Now Is My Chance to Run, But It Still Hurts to Leave
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2019, 12:28:44 AM »
Hey Scarlet Runner -

Thanks so much for your support and words of encouragement. You're right I do need to look at it as a blessing! Better this comes out now then down the road when I'm even more emotionally vested and my kids are somehow entangled with this creep. I guess I'm just a little mad at myself because I feel like, and kind of wish, I could walk away as easily and coldly as he can.  I'm in pain, and I am mad at myself for being in pain. Like you said so well "Now is your chance to practice being the kind of person who does not accept being treated this way." Amen to that. It's true progress for me. I just feel stupid and weak for actually missing someone who acted that way towards me and who could toss me aside so easily. Where is my self-esteem?  This will make me stronger though, and make room in my life for a healthier person, not another sick  one. Thank you for listening!

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Scarlet Runner

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Re: Now Is My Chance to Run, But It Still Hurts to Leave
« Reply #3 on: August 15, 2019, 11:17:06 PM »
I'm in pain, and I am mad at myself for being in pain.

Oh my gosh - be kind to yourself! Your pain is justified, but also important -  We can learn so much from our pain if we don't run from it. I am only just learning to do this myself. It is your pain that will keep you from making the same mistakes again.

Hang in there and keep being strong!


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pushit

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Re: Now Is My Chance to Run, But It Still Hurts to Leave
« Reply #4 on: August 16, 2019, 01:38:38 AM »
How do you all let go of the PD in your life?

To let go you need to recognize the value within yourself, and realize that this person doesn't love you for anything about you.  They love you because of any possible thing that you may do for them.  And they won't reciprocate.  Because of that, they aren't worth your time.  Harsh reality, but you need to love yourself first before you're available for a healthy relationship with someone else.  Best of luck to you my friend.

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mrstring

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Re: Now Is My Chance to Run, But It Still Hurts to Leave
« Reply #5 on: August 16, 2019, 03:46:14 PM »
westernlover, I think you did an excellent job assessing his personality at every step. The people along the way with what I was going to that I went back to the most never told me what to do, but I would ask yourself.

1. Do you think this will actually get better
2. Do you want to be treated this way?

It sounds like you already know. I hope the best for you. I don't know you but got very agitated the way you were treated. You deserve better.

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WesternLover

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Re: Now Is My Chance to Run, But It Still Hurts to Leave
« Reply #6 on: August 16, 2019, 07:07:27 PM »
You all are great, thank you! I love this forum. Pushit - I am going to keep repeating "They love you because of any possible thing that you may do for them.  And they won't reciprocate.  Because of that, they aren't worth your time.  Harsh reality, but you need to love yourself first before you're available for a healthy relationship with someone else."

So this guy came back around, didn't apologize of course, but mentioned he was just feeling insecure. I thought it would be odd for a PD to admit that, so again I am wondering is he really a PD?  I really think so though, I have seen other signs. He didn't say I'm sorry, but sent me a love song and said it reminded him of me. I am trying to stay strong and not get reeled back in because every relationship with a PD usually starts out well. I see the red flags though and trying hard not to ignore them. I also tell myself that a narcissist will also always love you because of the way you make them feel. When you stop making them feel good, because your novelty wears off or for whatever reason is when they can really tear you to shreds.

Thank you all for letting me know it's ok to be in pain. We have only been dating for three months, but it seemed like we were really getting close so backing off feels like a break up. The three months where basically very good, but I keep catching glimpses of something else underneath. So yeah, Mr. String, you're right it probably won't get better. This may only be the beginning of the emotional roller-coaster.

It hurts to say good-bye. Trying to stay strong and keep on loving myself more.

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Whatthehey

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Re: Now Is My Chance to Run, But It Still Hurts to Leave
« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2019, 02:25:22 AM »
I know in the middle of all those happy lovey feelings that it's hard to let go when your really hurt.  And you are allowed to feel that hurt.  Don't let anyone say so otherwise.

But there is a point that is being missed.  After a relationship with a PD who you have a family with - you started another relationship with a PD and recognized it!!!!!  You caught it and dealing with it.  That is major!  Own that and relish it.  Crack a beer and toast yourself. 

Regardless of whether he is a PD or not, you deserve better treatment.  You deserve more.  You saw it and you are doing something about it.  PD or not is minor.  Poor behavior is what is really happening and you don't deserve it.

You go girl!

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Liftedfog

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Re: Now Is My Chance to Run, But It Still Hurts to Leave
« Reply #8 on: August 30, 2019, 01:20:23 AM »
Looks like he didn't like that you caught a glimpse behind his mask by doing the background checks.  You said was to keep your daughter safe. Any decent stable man with nothing to hide would appreciate your strength and protectiveness.    You dodged a bullet.  Don't go back. Be strong. 

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WesternLover

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Re: Now Is My Chance to Run, But It Still Hurts to Leave
« Reply #9 on: August 30, 2019, 03:21:40 PM »
Hi Everyone!  Thanks so much for your kind words and support. This forum and everyone in it is a lifesaver. So I did manage to break it off with this guy. We where back and forth for a little bit, however in my heart I knew I had to end things at some point. The final straw for me was this past weekend. I joined my girlfriends in Las Vegas for a bachlorette party. He was my BFF before left, but then when I was in Vegas he tried to ruin my trip by sending me a scathing e-mail about how he cannot trust me and needed to break things off immediately.

I didn't even respond. I just read his e-mail and got a big smile on my face and thought "Good. BYE!"  :wave: :applause:then proceeded to totally enjoy my weekend.. It really actually helped me get over any lingering feelings of romance or doubts about cutting it off pronto. I don't think this is the response he was looking for 1) he wanted to inflict pain on me because that's what PDs do and 2) He was trying to exert some control over me and 3) He wanted me to give him supply and cry and beg and plead not to leave because I love him so, yada yada.

As you all said, this behavior is going to continue to escalate. It will only get worse, never better, and you never know when this type of person will escalate to physical abuse as well. Good-bye and good riddance. I like to leave things on good terms so I just said "Look I agree. I think it would be difficult long-term anyway because I have kids and it's apparent to me that you have a tough time dealing with it."  He gave me a verbal lashing, but basically backed off. He still sends me texts and e-mails mainly just talking about himself and what is going on his life, his ideas thoughts and philosophies about everything. I know he does it just because he likes to hear himself talk, nothing more. I am just humoring him to a degree, I respond periodically but not much. I'm just waiting for him to wander off and find a new source of the supply. My intuition tells me I have to handle him a delicately because I can tell he is basically nuts. I feel now instead of a dating partner I have morphed into the psychologist for Micheal Myers, another role I am gingerly trying to step out of.
« Last Edit: August 30, 2019, 03:56:08 PM by WesternLover »

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Latchkey

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Re: Now Is My Chance to Run, But It Still Hurts to Leave
« Reply #10 on: August 31, 2019, 12:17:19 AM »
Hey Western Lover,
Sorry to see you are back here for different reasons. I would recommend the site, Safe Relationships and any book by Sandra Brown on pathological love relationships.
I like the book, How to Spot a Dangerous Man before you get involved. The website also has many articles written by Sandra and Jennifer Young that I have read many times.
I've been married twice to men with PDs and have kids with both of them and in between during dating I found many PDs often hidden behind good behavior for about 6 weeks to 3 months. If your gut is telling you something is off, please listen!

Latchkey
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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AD

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Re: Now Is My Chance to Run, But It Still Hurts to Leave
« Reply #11 on: September 14, 2019, 08:25:24 AM »
Good for you for walking away. It must be disappointing, but the fact that you're spotting the signs and exiting the situation is progress!

This phrase felt so familiar to me "All you have to say is "sorry for making you feel this way,".  I've apologized to you on numerous occasions for making you feel bad, but you apologizing to me is somehow beneath you"

I found myself with a narc trying to explain normal behaviour to them - now I see it as such a red flag when we feel the need to do this, trying to make them see reason. They won't, and they don't care.

I also noticed that you mentioned he was showering you with love in the beginning - I think they often "love bomb" in the early days, so maybe that's another sign to watch out for - if a guy is way too over the top right away.

I love the blogs and podcasts at baggage reclaim, and she sometimes talks about those with narcissistic tendencies - maybe it would be useful to you as well?

Keep on trusting your intuition!