Still stuck in separation and trying to find a way out

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Blackbird11

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Still stuck in separation and trying to find a way out
« on: July 12, 2019, 02:42:54 PM »
Going into month two of in-home separation. I still feel like this is the right thing to do. I like having my own room, time to myself, and time alone with my toddler. However, this is still taking a toll on me.

I am very anxious and sometimes depressed. I am trying to do self-care (some exercise when possible, eating healthy, reducing caffeine intake, taking time to go out with a friend or just have a mental health break by watching some light/happy tv). I have also been going to individual T and joint T with uPDh. I still work full-time and actually look forward to work because it gives me purpose/something to get my mind off of things - at least for a short while.

But -- at the most recent joint session I got very angry and realized my uPDh is simply continuing to manipulate the situation. One week he is open to moving out, the next week he is not. One week he is fine with a divorce, a few hours later he tries to talk me out of it. He is love bombing me - sending me texts and emails proclaiming his love for me.

He has nothing to say to me when I say to him that he is manipulating and lying. He acts like he doesn't know what I'm talking about - and quite frankly, while the therapist is good, we don't have the money to keep going to these sessions if they're going no where. So I'm pausing them for the time being (will continue individual T however). 

I am starting to get very confused and I know it's all part of the PD process. I need to steady myself - so this is why I'm posting here. I really think that my next step should be getting him to move out of the house for a physical separation. I am not leaving my house. I have decided that.

This is going to be difficult - he knows I'm emotionally fragile and keeps pouncing on me with the guilt trips the minute I ask for what I want.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Still stuck in separation and trying to find a way out
« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2019, 04:18:32 AM »
Seems like he knows how to play you to get what he wants. Quite a challenge for you to stand up for yourself. Stay strong!

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HotCocoa

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Re: Still stuck in separation and trying to find a way out
« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2019, 09:15:02 AM »
I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  Brain fog happens when around pd's.  Be safe.
I also would add here, that it sounds like you are young with a very young child.  You need to save your money and speak to an attorney.
You are talking about things that can have large legal ramifications, one of the biggest is date of separation (this is what the divorce is based from in terms of money).  If his name is on the home you live in, you can't make him move out.  Are you currently using one bank account or have you gone to the courts to ask for spousal and child support?
These are things that are all considered in separation and divorce.  I would keep any at home separation very quiet, don't start talking with anyone about any dates, start going through any and all accounts that you can before heading to an attorney.  Good luck.
The smarter you become about narcissistic abuse, the crazier the narcissist will say you are.

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Blackbird11

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Re: Still stuck in separation and trying to find a way out
« Reply #3 on: July 13, 2019, 01:11:28 PM »
Trying to hang in there notright. He actually got me so angry the other day that I sent some angry text messages that I later apologized for. All he wanted was a reaction out of me and I gave it to him. This is becoming a very stressful situation, but I need to control myself so he can't try and present that as documentation of me being the one with an issue.

HotCocoa, I had an hour session with an attorney a few weeks ago.

They said exactly what you did - his name is on the house in addition to mine, so I can't kick him out. I have absolutely no savings and no money that isn't going towards bills (I allowed this to happen - although uPDh had a hand in helping to convince me to buy a house we couldn't really afford and here we are). So really it would take me years to afford legal representation if I tried to save - unless we sell the house and/or I ask family for help.

H is now seeing the house as his last bargaining chip, so he absolutely refuses to sell it right now.

My hope was that he would just decide to leave on his own and then we could proceed with trying to do most of the divorce ourselves while utilizing an attorney for the custody piece.

Our only asset is our house, and we are nearly going to lose money on it if it sells because of the unfinished projects started by uPDh. The best we can hope for is to break even. Neither one of us has savings. I have absolutely nothing to my name and nothing for him to want from me. He has no savings and nothing to his name. I want absolutely nothing from him but my freedom.