Still stuck in separation and trying to find a way out

[Spygirl]

For me,

The hardest part of getting away was my need to concern myself with his "feelings" about what was happening, instead of focusing on the obvious abuse i was endurning through his behavior.  The behavior, which was INTENTIONAL.

I look back on it now and it was just continuous fishing for some emotional bait that would get me back on the hook, so to speak. I was such a mess for so long..... and then one day i had just had enough.  And as my mind cleared, i could see what had been happening to me. I know where you are at the moment, i have been there. Yoy will see it for what it is soon.

[Blackbird11]

Thanks Can't Turn Back. Your situation does sound a lot like mine.

I don't know what is wrong with me and why I can't just summon up the strength and courage to initiate the divorce. I am trapped in my own head.

I think you're right that I just need to rip the bandaid off and do it. I'm really just trying to figure out if I can find a place to live so I don't have to deal with the aftershocks of serving him papers while living in the same space.

Of course today I'm back to doubting myself and thinking "was it THAT bad? Am I blowing it out of proportion? Am I disordered?" Why do I still love the good side of him? WHY?! Why is this so hard.

Spygirl, I hope I get to that place of clarity. I have moments of it. Doesn't last.

[Poison Ivy]

At some level, I thought that filing for divorce would mean I was a bad person. And I was very aggravated that my then husband withdrew from the relationship and withdrew from being a parent but claimed he wanted to stay married.  So for awhile, my thought was, "Yes, the marriage stinks, I don't want to be married anymore, but I sure as heck should not have to be the one to officially end it." (Versus unofficially ending it, with withdrawal and sabotage.)

I eventually realized and accepted that filing for divorce did not mean I was a bad person.  In fact, recognizing the rottenness of the marriage and being willing to do something unpleasant about the rottenness could actually be seen as positives.  So I filed. 

[Arkhangelsk]

It is moral and good to expect that others treat you with respect.  It is moral and good to leave a toxic marriage.  It is not a failing - it is triumph. 

After over 20 years of not being able to pull that trigger, I finally did.  That was almost 4 years ago and I am typing this from the kitchen island in my peaceful, happy home where I live with my generous and dedicated finance and two children who are deeply content that this is the life I built for them.  End it.  There are beautiful things out in the world for you.

[Blackbird11]

Thanks Poison Ivy and Arkhangelsk. I am going through my posts again. and just caught these responses. Im getting closer to filing.

Ark - I dream about having a peaceful happy home all of the time. I never had one in my life but always said if I had a child I'd provide one for them.

I hope to be turning that dream into a reality soon.

[sevenyears]

Blackbird11 - in house separation was absolutely awful in my case. Stay strong and good luck. You and your toddler deserve respect and peace.

[Whiteheron]

Blackbird11 - in house separation was absolutely awful in my case. Stay strong and good luck. You and your toddler deserve respect and peace.

I lived under the same roof as stbx for a year after I filed. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. He would bait me into arguing and I would fall into his trap and JADE like nobody's business (then he would complain to the court about what I'd said). He also wanted me to be there for him - as someone to clean up after him, cook his meals, do his laundry, listen to his monologues.

[Arkhangelsk]

Yeah.  I did almost 3 years of in-house separation.  I really wish I had just picked up the kids and moved out.  BUT - I did use the time to keep reading and working and getting better at boundaries.  Once I began to practice detachment, it was only a matter of time before I created enough mental space to know I had to leave.  It is hard, hard work, Blackbird.  There is so much fear and uncertainty in the space where you are.  Be gentle with yourself.  You can do this at the pace that makes sense for you.

[sad_dog_mommy]

 

Emotional detachment was the key for me too.  It isn't easy.  PDs will try their best to suck you back into the FOG but the more I learned about the traits and tricky manipulations that they (PDs) use I was better able to protect myself from his games.  There must be a 'training manual' that outlines how PDs are to behave to be successful in fooling others. 

Stay strong for yourself and your child and start imaging what your future will look like.

[capybara]

Blackbird and everyone else who has commented, thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your stories. It gives me strength. I am pretty sure I am facing an in-home separation if I do ask for a separation. But I need to stay strong for our kids.