Stuck in the middle

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11JB68

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Stuck in the middle
« on: July 13, 2019, 01:20:47 AM »
Has anyone else here been stuck between a pd parent and a pd spouse or SO?
I had uBPDm and uOCPDh, and was in the FOG with both.
It became an impossible situation for me, led to nc with m and FOO.
One incident that I was remembering tonight, involving poor boundaries (though interestingly it was my enF who showed poor boundaries/fleas?)...
H was taking a nap, he used to do this frequently. DS(then about 4?) and i took a walk. F showed up at our house unannounced for some reason. Rang the bell, no answer. Apparently kept ringing and knocking. Assumed we must all be home as both cars were in the driveway, and was 'worried', (um, maybe we were out in a friends car, or out walking, etc, or maybe we were all napping...) So let himself in to our home and walked around looking for us. Found h sleeping, h woke up startled, etc. H was understandably annoyed/angry. Unfortunately I got the brunt of all of this, h angry at me (how dare i be out when this happened etc), uBPDm and enF questioning me about why h was napping in the middle of the day, and offended that he was mad, etc. Ugh.

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TriedTooHard

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Re: Stuck in the middle
« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2019, 07:27:30 AM »
How awful for you that you had to walk on eggshells around your parents and spouse at the same time.  This is not the main topic of your post, but for your father to do that, he has major issues.  And you didn't have a safe space to process it with your husband. 

I have been in the middle of uPD parents and a significant other - I think its very common - it kept me in that relationship much longer than I should have been.  In fact, I probably wouldn't have been attracted to that person if it weren't for my parents' issues.  I didn't marry him but it took me many years to get over that bad relationship.  I took some time off from dating and eventually married someone else, but when my spouse became ill and couldn't be very supportive, my uPD parents once again got in the middle and made me doubt the relationship.  I realized I was co-dependent, which was very tricky to navigate in the beginning, especially with an ill spouse.

To do what's right for you, you have to really believe in yourself, which is hard to do after a childhood spent with uPD and enabling parents.    You will have someone with a serious mental health issue telling you bad things, which are probably true, about someone else in your life.  You don't know who or what to believe while stuck in the middle.  Its confusing, the literature tells us its a sign of abuse when a romantic interest tries to separate us from our FOO.  But what happens when we need to separate from them?  All the confusion slows down our healing processes.
« Last Edit: July 13, 2019, 07:38:49 AM by TriedTooHard »

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11JB68

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Re: Stuck in the middle
« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2019, 01:20:56 PM »
 :yeahthat:
Everything you just said...
It was so confusing for me.
UBPDm was very dramatically and without empathy telling me I was being abused by uOCPDh, which was true (verbal\emotional), but because of the source I couldn't believe or process it.
And yes I believe h alienated me from foo, but yes I needed to separate from them.
And yes I ended up with h In the first place for all the wrong reasons, many related to foo