I can never win

[Maz]

I spoke with NPD dad about the possibility of getting married abroad. I was nervous of approaching the subject as I can never say or do anything right. Anyway I said we didn't want a fuss and would have a family party when we got back from our holiday. He started to say how he would want to be there, so I made the mistake of saying that I didn't think he would be bothered. Well, I got both barrels. Least to say I came off the phone in tears. I explained that if he wanted to be there of course he could but we just didn't want a fuss. I was told "what must people think, people will think something has gone off and it will made me look really bad". Them he got off the phone. I was left in tears at work. I don't know why I even bother. What's the point. I can't win.

now I feel like crap and don't know what to do.

[Spring Butterfly]

I'm so sorry you've had this happen for what should be a happy occasion. What a heartbreak to have to make it all about him, all about appearances for his sake.

When you say "feel like crap" can you put some better words or ideas to help get a handle on how you feel exactly? Is it sad, mad, scared? Sometimes pinpointing exactly what emotions is being affected helps figure out how to walk my way out from the emotion that's engulfed me. Plus it might help us know how best to support you.

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm sorry, Maz. Making big events like weddings all about them seems to be straight from the Official PD Handbook.

As for what you should do: celebrate when, where and how YOU and your fiancé want to. If you want to invite family (some or all), then do so. If you want it to be a small affair with only a few special people, with a big party to follow when you get back, then do that. Your dad's worries about "what people will think" is not your problem. It isn't really his problem, either, but if he wants to fixate on it, that's his business.

Enjoy your day! Don't let him or anyone else steal your joy on this special occasion or make you doubt what you want/need.

[candyapple]

I'm so sorry. My view is, those big moments are totally decided by you and your fiancé. Only you two get to decide if it's an overseas wedding, and who if anyone even gets to attend. I know people who have good relationships with family and still choose to elope or do something without family involved. I totally respect whatever the couple envisions and will most definitely show or for the party, or buy a gift off the registry. Again the couple decided how they want to make their vows and as friends and family we don't take offense or make it about us. For your father to make it about him, and what would others think of him, that's the personality disorder talking. Sounds like he's trying to control what you do with that guilting approach, and that is not very nice or supportive of him. Just think about how much more positive a day it would be without him there, and a wedding is meant to be your day! It might be a good time to make the decision yourself and if he pushes you again with guilt to set a firm boundary with him trying to change your decisions about your own wedding. And if he won't accept the boundary, disconnect the call. It's really tough being in contact and just constantly setting and reinforcing boundaries that are going to be continuously tested, but it sounds like you are still in contact with him and that's the only way to keep your decisions as yours. Good luck! You are going to shine!

[athene1399]

I'm sorry he was upset about your decision, but it's still your decision. I've known people who have done this, gotten married with a small ceremony or just themselves, then do a party with family to celebrate later. There's nothing wrong with it. Do what feels right for you and your fiance. It is your wedding, not your father's.

[appaloosa]

My advice would be to just go ahead and get married without inviting him or giving him any more details. Tell him AFTER the fact, and let the chips fall where they may. No, you can't do anything right--you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, so PLEASE do yourself a favor and make this wedding exactly as you want it. Do not mention it again to your F and if he brings it up, be vague. Give no info.
My daughter and son-in-law had a gorgeous wedding in Iceland with ONE guest--the photographer. It was what they wanted and I was thrilled for them. My son has just become engaged and he and his fiancé plan to elope. It's not about anyone else but the couple. I hope it all works out beautifully for you!