Enough already, I deserve better

[eyesopen]

I've been debating with myself whether to post here or in the Committed to Working On It section.  I'm here in the Separating & Divorcing section because I think that's what's going to be best for me.

My uBPDw of 17 years moved out and got her own apartment in January.  She said at the time that I had a lot to work on, and if I made changes that she may take me back.  We did couples counseling for a while, and she blamed me for everything.  But after 3 months of her living on her own, she confessed that she cheated on me before she moved out.  A trip that was supposedly to see her cousin was actually to see her affair partner.  She quit going to couples counseling because she didn't want to accept responsibility for her own selfish, damaging choices.

She hoovered me back in, saying that she's never going be with him again.  She shared all kinds of romantic dreams about our future together and I bought it.  But then when it came time for her to either move back in with me or renew her apartment lease, she decided to renew her lease for a full year.

We have a 5yo daughter together and I don't want to create extra drama, tension, or bitterness (there's enough of that already).  Since she's decided that she doesn't want to live with me, ever again basically, I told her to get her own checking/savings/credit card.  Once the direct deposit of her paycheck gets switched, I'm removing her from all our joint accounts.

I also said she needs to move out the remaining personal items she left at the house - there are closets full of clothes, a bunch of makeup and beauty products, and a whole lot of other stuff that doesn't belong here if she's not going to live here.  She's a teacher and is off for the summer, so she's got plenty of time to get all her stuff packed up and out of here.

The thing that drove me to write this evening was a totally overblown reaction to a reasonable request I made.  Since she moved out, we've been sharing time with our daughter, she gets her Sun-Tues nights and I get her Wed-Sat nights.  That works ok, I get the majority of the parenting time (a plus for being named custodian in a divorce), but it means that I never get a Friday night to myself nor can I ever sleep in on a Saturday morning.  She gets that time every single week.

My suggestion was to keep the same number of days but split our time every other week rather than splitting in the middle of every week.  In other words, she gets her Sun-Fri nights one week, then I get her Sat-Sat nights the next.  To me, that's more fair even though it's the same number of total days.  Plus, if I need to travel for work we may not need to adjust anything at all.  The last time I travelled on our current mid-week split schedule, I was told "our daughter has ruined my life, I want to fucking die, you're such an asshole for having a job that makes you travel..." yadda, yadda, yadda.  I was gone Mon-Fri once in the span of several months and she acted like I was deployed overseas for a year.

So anyway, her reaction to my (reasonable, I think) suggestion to split every other week was "I feel like you're again trying to punish me.  If you wanted to have some Friday nights alone you shouldn't have had a kid."  Ummm.... what?  How is it a punishment to split our time with our daughter?  How is it that she can have every Friday night to do whatever she wants but it's unreasonable of me to want to do every other week?  I'm just looking for ways to make this work better for everyone involved, but she can't open herself up to my perspective at all.

There's no negotiating with her.  I've decided (assuming I can stick with it) that I'm going to keep taking incremental steps to make our separation more permanent.  Starting with her paying her own way, then with her moving out all her stuff, then... I dunno, I'll come up with what's next.  Essentially, I'd like to spend the next year getting everything settled and agreed upon so I can file for divorce and just have her sign it without contesting anything.  Neither of us wants big lawyer fees or bitterness, and I don't want our daughter to get wrapped into it any more than she already is.

Life has been a roller coaster over the last several months since she moved out, mainly because I was allowing her to control the ride while I went along with it.  But finally I'm starting to see how I'm not trapped, I don't have to stay with her, our daughter's life won't be ruined if we divorce, and I may actually be able to live a more stable, satisfying life if I'm not wrapped up in all her emotional ups and downs.

I guess I don't have any specific questions for you all, but I'd love to hear some encouragement to help me through the long haul that this is going to be.  I've read some of your stories on this forum and they give me hope that I'll come out the other side of this.

[Rose1]

Ime its better to be strategic and manage the separation rather than let the pd have it all their way. Can I encourage you to get your separate bank accounts and finances sorted out and you in a less vulnerable situation.
The minute you stop financial control by the pd a good chance the "want my cake and eat it" syndrome will appear. Dhs expdw immediately exploded once she was stopped on her wild spending spree and said it's war. Be aware that what your wife is saying now might not remain that way.
Have a good think about how you want the future to look regarding your parenting as well and maybe see a lawyer about laws in your area

[eyesopen]

For all the resolve that I had a few days ago, I'm starting to doubt myself.  Deep down, I want our relationship to work and for our family to stay together.  When my wife decided to renew her separate apartment lease for a year instead of moving back in the family home, I took that as a clear sign that she wants our separation to become more permanent.  I mean, if she wants to spend the next year not living together and juggling co-parenting when she knows that I want to work on our relationship, what else am I to think?  My decision to move forward with separation and divorce was reactive to her choices and done to protect myself.

I did my best to maintain a medium chill when we spent some time together with our daughter yesterday, but she immediately noticed that something was off.  I brushed it off saying that things are fine and there's nothing to talk about, but she kept pushing for answers from me.  I told her that since she's taking steps to extend our separation, I'm reeling in my own expectations so that I don't get hurt.

She made the choice to renew her lease the same way as she makes all other choices, purely based on her emotions in the moment.  It was the last week of school (she teaches), the anniversary of her mom's passing, and the landlord wanted an answer right away.  She felt anxiety, didn't know what to do, and figured keeping the status quo was the easiest choice.

When I brought up some logistics of living separately, like our daughter's school schedule, finances, etc., she admitted that she hadn't even thought about any of that when making her choice.  She said she wished we had talked it over before she made the decision because she doesn't think ahead and plan like I do.  But I know better and I intentionally didn't talk her through the decision.  Other times I've done that and we reach an agreement (buying a house, having a child, etc.), she's fine with it until she finds reason to be unhappy, and then suddenly I'm to blame for talking her into something she never wanted.  I'm not risking that happening again when it comes to continuing our relationship - if she chooses to work on us, it's got to be entirely her choice so I can't be blamed later.

She's going to talk to the apartment manager to see if she can get out of the lease she just signed (it doesn't start for another couple weeks).  I doubt they'll let her cancel, but if they do, that means she's moving back in.  That's what I've been wanting for the last several months and had only recently given up hope.  If she can't get out of the lease and she's got the apartment for a year, then we'll take things slowly and see where they go.

I thought I could be strong enough to get off the roller coaster, but it appears I'm back on it.

[Spygirl]

Sometimes,

We need a little more time for that last straw to make a permanent move. To exhaust all possibility of recovery. I believe we all on this forum took a loooong time to get to where we said enough. It is for us i think, the most difficult thing we ever may do, because a lost relationship is a loss, like a death. The pain is unbearable for awhile.  We all want to make the right choice. To be kind. To press for insight with the other party. 

You are the only one who can make the best choice for you. I am very sorry she cheated. That is such a devaluing thing to do to you.
If she had been really remorseful, i dont see why she told you about it. It does not help the both of you.

The encouragement i received here was to stop thinking of my stbexh feelings, and look to my own for a change. Not because i would be selfish, but because i was self sacrificing to the point the nervous breakdown. Some relationships are just toxic, and cannot be repaired.

On the other side of this, the sun shines. You have peace, you have rest, and believe it or not, forgiveness. You just have to keep swimming forward.....

[bigchanges]

eyesopen,

It's very hard to make the decision and it's never bad to take your time to evaluate it. You'll get there when the time is right.

Something that I have done over the last 5 months is to keep an online, private journal. One of my journal entries is a summary of all of the unhealthy ways I or my kids have been treated. I journal often, but bad, important things get copied into this summary so it's a "living document". When I am feeling like I'm getting looped back in or am not sure why I find myself wanting to leave, I take a few minutes and review the summary. I really knew it was time to go when I couldn't make it a quarter of the way through the summary without putting it down and thinking "this is BS - no one should endure what I have been through".

That doesn't mean I don't struggle daily with the decision, but I do have something to refer back to that makes sure I don't forget the details.

[eyesopen]

Well, it's been a week since I last wrote... so that's enough time for the roller coaster to go the other way again.

The last couple days I've been dwelling (far too much) on little details, partial truths that she previously told me about her interactions with her recent affair partner (whom she swears she "probably" won't see again).  At the time, she shared a detail about their encounters to make me think she was being open and honest with me.  But after thinking about it more, gaps and holes started to appear in her story and my mind was filling in the blanks with horrible stuff.  It became obvious that her open honesty was just feeding me enough info to get me off her case.

We were both in the mindset that we want to move forward and rebuild our relationship, but for me, a critical component of that is rebuilding my trust in her after her infidelity.  To do that, she can't be acting like she's keeping things from me because that'll just turn me into an obsessing, mind-racing, imagining the worst case, wannabe detective trying to piece together the clues.

I confronted her about one instance with this guy (who she previously stated she never did anything sexual with) and she very reluctantly admitted under my pressuring that she gave him oral without a condom.  Not the kind of thing a husband wants to hear, but score one for honesty.

She also spent time with him just a week ago, which I knew about.  The guy lives in another city and she went to spend time with her cousin who also lives there.  After spending time with her cousin, she says she hung out with the other man, but he had to work (he's a bartender) so she left and went back to her hotel alone.  Sounds plausible.

But (I hate that I've been driven to this) our cars have these driving trackers on them for our insurance, so I was able to look up when she drove and how far.  Her story didn't match up to the data from her car.  I knew she didn't leave his place until 9:30 the next morning, but was giving her a chance to come clean.  After telling me her version, I even said something like, "Are you sure that's how it happened, that there isn't anything else about the night you want to tell me?"  Nope, she stuck with her lie and I presented her an alternate version of events.  She frustratingly admitted that she did indeed spend the night, but insisted that she didn't do anything sexually to him.

After this all came out, she went on a rant about how none of what she did with other men should matter to me.  According to her, I should be focused on how we connect with each other and not worry about what happened outside of that.  So one way to take that is that she wants to be able to cheat on me any time she chooses and I'm supposed to be ok with it and not ask questions or snoop on her.  Another way to take it is that the affair is in the past and she'd rather we both forget it and move on with our lives, which may be how she's really seeing it, but she's not recognizing that infidelity is a problem.  I can't just choose to trust her again, she needs to earn it.

I'm not ok.  Now I feel the need to book an appointment with my doctor for an STI test.

[Spygirl]

Imo, The test is not a bad idea, for your sake.

During my confusing, terrible attempt at reconciliation with my ex for six months, i had a co-worker come up to me who was aware of my situation. He said his grandfather had a great expression he wanted to pass on to me. He said,

" after a plate has been shattered, no matter how expert the repair is done, you can still see all the cracks"

Indeed it was true. So many exposed lies, half truths, fake emotion, real rage and distain had occurred that there was no going back to being with him. If i had, it would have been held over my head forever.

"Couldn't have been that bad, you came back, so i can' t have done much to hurt you" i swear he would have said that after a short hoover period.

Anotherwards, you volunteered to live on with me despite knowing i did these bad things intentionally. I get a pass. I can do it again and now i know you will tolerate it. I look back and i am really angry with myself for tolerating so much, and feeling that somehow if i was just a good, patient spouse,that it would get better.

It helped alot in my case being  in a different residence when i separated. It gave me time to process without interference. It gave a therpist a chance to point out the difference between words and actions. It gave people on this site a chance to gently provide information that saved me. I am forever grateful for that.

[eyesopen]

We both want things to work out with each other, but we're both discovering that we each have expectations or boundaries on how things need to be between us.  Neither of us expressed those things specifically in the past, we just made assumptions and didn't talk about it.  That lack of communication didn't help us connect and respect each other.

For her, she wants me to accept her as she is, let her be an independent woman that makes her own choices, and not be controlling.  I'm good with that, an independent woman that loves me will make choices that honor our relationship.  Except that "as she is" and "independent" seem to be code for, "I won't disrespect you to your face, but I'll do shady stuff behind your back and you need to just accept it because it's separate, it's got nothing to do with you."

For me, to be in a serious romantic relationship with someone, I need to know that they care about me and respect our relationship.  Being independent and making her own choices is great - that's how it ought to be - but those choices should show integrity, respect, and trust.  Acting selfishly in direct defiance of the love and honesty we're trying to build is not something I can take.

By exposing her lies, she's blaming me now for "ruining things when they seemed to be going so well" but I'm not buying it.  I think "seemed" is the key word there because she was deliberately keeping secrets while simultaneously expressing her desire to be with me.  Things aren't actually going well if we have to avoid the truth to be happy.  I'm not going to pretend like I'm ok with it and set myself up for tolerating it over and over again.

She has her apartment leased through next July and she opened her own bank accounts so she can pay her own way starting next month, so there's plenty of time ahead to figure things out.  I have a therapist appt tomorrow which can't come soon enough.

[SerenityCat]

Glad that you have a therapist appointment lined up. I think getting a STI test is a great idea too, your health is important.

Am I reading right: you want a monogamous relationship and she does not? That is an important point right there. She may try to engage you in a circular confusing conversation about this but don't fall for that. If you want a relationship that is monogamous emotionally/physically/sexually you have the right to want that. This is not about you supposedly being "controlling". This is about you making choices that work for you.

If she directly  offered you a non-monogamous relationship with her - would you want it?

[eyesopen]

You've got that right, I want a monogamous relationship and she doesn't.

Trouble is, I don't think her issue is with monogamy but with what she mentally piles on with it.  When she thinks monogamy, I'm not sure why, but she equates that to also demanding old fashioned gender roles.  Like being a monogamous wife also means she needs to be a stay at home mom, do all the housework, prepare all the meals, and accept that the man of the house makes all the decisions.

If that's what monogamy means to her, then it's obvious why she doesn't want it.  I just have no idea where that's coming from and have tried to clarify that I just mean emotional/physical/sexual monogamy and that none of the other expectations exist for me.  She can't reconcile it, she's either trapped as a slave in a monogamous relationship or she's free.

If she wants non-monogamy with me, I won't do that.  I'm all but certain that if I did anything, even just a date with another woman, then she'd become incredibly jealous and see it as a betrayal to her.  She'd constantly hold it over my head, "why don't you just call HER because you obviously don't need me anymore."  I think non-monogamy to her means I remain a devoted lover while she does what she wants.

That life isn't for me.  The emotional/physical/sexual aspect of a relationship can only exist for me if we're exclusive with each other.  I don't want to be bitter with her.  I'm willing to let the past go if we can be honest with each other now and in the future.  But acceptance of continued extramarital relations is a line I won't cross.  If that's what being with her demands, then I'll file for divorce, be her friend, be a cooperative co-parent, but not wrap myself up emotionally with someone that deliberately hurts me.

[SerenityCat]

Good to hear that you know what works for you and that you won't settle for less.

If only she could understand that monogamy doesn't have to mean restrictive inflexible gender roles. And that non-monogamy by no means guarantees independence and equality.

Having multiple relationships, and doing so well, can actually be a lot of work. All the usual possible issues are still there, since we are all humans dealing with humans. Someone can be non-monogamous and find themselves feeling trapped, unhappy, jealous, and confused. "Sexual freedom" doesn't guarantee anything.

But she needs to learn this on her own, or not. You are wise to not just go along for the ride.

not wrap myself up emotionally with someone that deliberately hurts me

[mrstring]

eyesopen,

It's very hard to make the decision and it's never bad to take your time to evaluate it. You'll get there when the time is right.

Something that I have done over the last 5 months is to keep an online, private journal. One of my journal entries is a summary of all of the unhealthy ways I or my kids have been treated. I journal often, but bad, important things get copied into this summary so it's a "living document". When I am feeling like I'm getting looped back in or am not sure why I find myself wanting to leave, I take a few minutes and review the summary. I really knew it was time to go when I couldn't make it a quarter of the way through the summary without putting it down and thinking "this is BS - no one should endure what I have been through".

That doesn't mean I don't struggle daily with the decision, but I do have something to refer back to that makes sure I don't forget the details.

Yes, my journal, which is this forum helped me. It is anonymous and she couldn't find it. Even if she did, she would not know who mrstring is. It sometimes takes a long time to decide to get out. My brother who was screaming on the inside for me to get out, never pressured me to get out. Never judged how long it was taking. For that reason I spoke with him the most. When I did decide, he obviously was very very happy but was still very calm and encouraging because of the possibility that I may want to get back. When my ex and I broke up I spoke with him pretty much every day for about 5 or 6 months.

[not broken]

eyesopen,
As my T would say to me- you have the logical piece down, it's the emotional side that you aren't addressing.  Essentially you have stated that you deserve better, so ask yourself, what is holding you back from believing it?  Focus on you- what YOU believe, how YOU FEEL, what YOU WANT.  Do not focus on her changing- that is out of your control.  I have found that this is truly the only way Out of the FOG. 

Also, one of the favorite things I have read recently (Stop Caretaking the Borderline Narcissist) is this phrase:  "..everything that happens to you in your relationships is because you allow it, encourage it or put up with it...."  When I realized that yes, I have indeed put up with the treatment of my swNPD, I opened my eyes to why I have allowed it.  If I hadn't, I would be putting up with more of the same, or moving on to another relationship of allowing, encouraging or putting up with similar treatment.  And we all do deserve better!

[eyesopen]

I'm finding that journaling, by way of writing about my experiences and thoughts here is helping me to make sense of them and begin taking actions to improve myself.  Prior to this year, I never put much thought into my needs, my feelings, or my boundaries.  I was just living life without consciously addressing those things, thinking everything was going to end up fine... then it all seemed to fall apart when my wife said she wanted a divorce.  She later dialed that back and settled on moving out, but it shocked me nonetheless.

When she told me she wanted a divorce, it was via text message while I was at work (easier that way for her, I guess, but not for me).  I panicked and actually fainted in my office - collapsed to the floor and hit my head on a door on the way down.  I woke up to concerned coworkers checking up on me because they heard the loud and unusual sound of me going down.  I was the manager/supervisor for everyone in the office and it was probably very alarming for them to see the boss on the floor.  I scheduled my first therapy session right after that happened because it was finally obvious to me that I wasn't handling my stress and I needed help.

Since then, I got a new job with lower stress.  I'm paying attention to what I like/don't like, what I want/don't want, the way my emotions affect the way I interact with others, the way others' emotions affect the way they interact with me, and what I'm willing/not willing to accept from a romantic partner.  It's helping me to more clearly identify my needs and, where necessary, define boundaries to enforce so my situation can improve.

If you asked me a month ago whether I wanted my wife to move back home, I would have given an unequivocal YES.  But now in a way, I'm kind of relieved that the apartment lease has been extended for another year.  With all the changes in direction that she's had recently, I can't trust that her current desire to be together isn't just temporary.  She's being much more self reflective, acknowledging her contributions to our dysfunction and taking steps to correct them.  That's a good sign, but consistent progress in that direction for the next year would be a better sign that maybe I can trust her again.

But more importantly, I'm realizing that I need that extra year to work on me.  I need to define and live my life the way I choose and not cave in to being disrespected by those I care about.  If she treats me and our daughter respectfully, with honesty, and shows care for our needs, then I welcome it.  But there's more to life than her and no longer should I let my own happiness be so dependent upon the actions of others.

As you said not broken, I have the logical piece down...  That's my strength.  I can think through and plan everything so it all makes perfect sense, but there's more to living life than that.  Not that I initially wanted it, but I have the next year to begin exploring and learning about everything else that my logical mind hasn't considered.