I always seem to feel 50:50

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Jsinjin

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I always seem to feel 50:50
« on: July 14, 2019, 09:56:49 PM »
I pray and ask God for a sign and I see that she yells and blows up and think "ok, it's here, time to bail" and then immediately after there is a calm nice period where her natural strengths and organization really work with things and I think, "ok maybe it's not so bad"     Things swing back like a great pendulum where the kids and I go from calm comfort to terror never knowing which way to think.   I just never know what to do.
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli

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Poison Ivy

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Re: I always seem to feel 50:50
« Reply #1 on: July 14, 2019, 10:06:27 PM »
I don't know if the following will help but I'll share it anyway.  I've been divorced for more than 3 years.  I filed for divorce a few years after my husband decided to become his parents' full-time caregiver in a town 150 miles away, but the issues with my husband (including many involving his parents) began to appear early in our marriage, in the 1980s.  There are still times when I wish he was around, so that we could do things together.  For example, right now, I'm preparing to take a trip to visit one of our children, and I'd really prefer to travel with someone, even (especially) my ex.  But I never think, "Oh, I wish we were still married!"  Instead, I think, "I wish we had the type of relationship after divorce that some lucky people do, but if we had that type of relationship, we'd probably never have gotten a divorce in the first place."

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bohemian butterfly

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Re: I always seem to feel 50:50
« Reply #2 on: July 15, 2019, 04:29:52 PM »
I am in the same exact position. 

If memory serves, you have a house that youíre renovating that you can go to?   Right?  If not, I apologize.

I have a house that I can escape to at any time, but Iím dragging my feet because of the 50/50 conflict. 

For me, itís because Iím trying to survive (peacefully) until I can leave.  I just need him to be away from the house for a few hours.  But in the meantime, in trying to keep the peace and act normal, my brain feels like itís partly split (which it is I guess) one foot out the door, the other still in. 

I will post in a bit about something that happened over the weekend where I too was like ďIím outta here!Ē And it was a few hours after praying for a sign.  I am getting plenty of signs, I just need to take the leap

Just wanted to let you know that youíre not alone and I think in these sorts of circumstances, itís perfectly normal.  We are normal. 

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mrstring

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Re: I always seem to feel 50:50
« Reply #3 on: July 15, 2019, 07:37:20 PM »
I had felt the same way, it's like always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even when you are in a "good" time it's that tension of things could change in a moment and trying to over think things figuring that if I act the right way, say the right things the "bad" can be delayed.

People not in these situations don't understand that it is not always bad and the person we were with has some great qualities. It's easier to paint them as all bad. The question I had to ask myself was "Is it worth it"? It is a very tough way to live.

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not broken

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Re: I always seem to feel 50:50
« Reply #4 on: July 16, 2019, 02:27:09 AM »
I realized today that I am waiting for an "event" to make me do it, or him.  Stems from my past....but I too feel like I have to have everything in order....when I don't think that's really possible for me (kids, etc). I am also realizing that he never will be the one to do it, and that I need to work through my baggage to allow myself to deserve it ...because I am frozen where I am now.  I can't do it anymore, but I can't see the other side fully yet. 

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notrightinthehead

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Re: I always seem to feel 50:50
« Reply #5 on: July 16, 2019, 04:38:42 AM »
I remember that phase very well. I continued to use the tools from the toolbox, protect myself, went to therapy, and worked on my own behaviour. In the end I was so useless as a supply for him that he found another.
Our march to freedom is irreversible. We must not allow fear to stand in our way.  Nelson Mandela

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DJ

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Re: I always seem to feel 50:50
« Reply #6 on: July 16, 2019, 01:12:41 PM »
What you are all describing is exactly where I am right now.  About a week ago, out of the blue, she texted to inform me she was going forward with the divorce.  (We have been separated off and on for 2 years).  She has been threatening this for over a year and actually filed over a month ago, but never had the petition served.  I have typically responded to these threats with a question like "why now" or "can we talk" which I realized is just what she wants, to draw me back in.  This last time, however, I responded by agreeing that I realized that she was not serious about working on any of her issues and invited her to let me know when she wanted to get some of the things she still had in our house.  I felt somewhat empowered.

Her response to me has been complete silence.  She has not texted or called.  She has not had the divorce papers served or done anything to further it along.  Just silence. I just cannot take the lead and push the divorce forward.  I'm just stuck, which I assume is just what she was aiming for.  For me, I think the finality of it is what is causing my hesitation.  Kind of like the fear of the unknown.

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Kat54

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Re: I always seem to feel 50:50
« Reply #7 on: July 16, 2019, 01:37:04 PM »
Can very much relate to that behavior. That's why it took me several years to end things. It was this Jekyll and Hyde thing with my ex. So nice, fun to be with, the laugh of the party.  But I figured out he was the nicest guy in the world when anyone was around or observing and he still is doing it for the most part. It gets me off balance and confused thinking we will be OK as separate but maybe remain friends and get along. 

Thankfully with therapy, and reading this site and using the tools its now easy to distinguish how he will be and when.  I've gotten better at protecting myself from his craziness. 
He's been very very nice lately but what brought me back to reality was the other day I walked outside of my sisters house where I live, and he was up on the deck of our house sitting having a drink after the beach. Our house is directly behind my sisters house. I didn't see him at first but as I was walking back into the house I saw him and waved and said Hi!  He just stared at me with this look of hate, like he probably wished he could off me or something. He just kept staring at me until i walked into the house. It was creepy, and I thought, Oh right, there he is, the real guy I left. Haven't seen him in a few weeks.

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pushit

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Re: I always seem to feel 50:50
« Reply #8 on: July 16, 2019, 04:13:01 PM »
But I figured out he was the nicest guy in the world when anyone was around or observing and he still is doing it for the most part.

 :yeahthat:

I've observed the exact same thing in my stbxPDw.  Nasty as can be behind closed doors, sweet and wholesome as soon as anyone else is there to observe it.  It sure can knock you off balance unless you're aware and naturally expect it.

In my case: after an initial round of craziness after I filed, followed by low-key control and manipulation, she has been the world's biggest sweetheart the last month or so.  She has even reached out to try and reconcile.  The good thing for me (now) is that I stuck it out WAY to long for the kids' sake.  I'm way past the 50/50 point, and I know what lies underneath.  None of her behavior can fool me now. 

There was certainly a point in time when I still would have been 50/50, and if you're not past that point you're just not there yet.  You could either give it more time and thought, or move ahead with your plans.  I guess I would just say to not let fear of their reaction hold you there, if you know you need to leave.

its now easy to distinguish how he will be and when.  I've gotten better at protecting myself from his craziness. 

This is the funny part I've noticed over the last year.  Once you're completely Out of the FOG, it's uncanny how easy it can be to predict a PD's behavior.  Not that my stbxPDw doesn't surprise me sometimes, (unpredictability is one of their best weapons), but it doesn't knock me off balance.  My reactions now are more like "hmmm....I expected her to lash out, instead she is manipulating the kids in private".  Now I can respond to her behavior more easily, adjust my expectations of any given situation beforehand, and keep myself out of situations where she'll be able to drop the mask and get nasty with me or the kids.