Twins on the way...how to tell BPex

[Dixon678]

I've been visiting this sight for years for advice on dealing with my BP ex whom I share two young teen children with.  It helped me get a good custody arrangement, helped me understand I can't reason with my ex when she sees everything in black/white and eventually I went NC and deal mostly with her parents.

I've remarried, she hasn't, doesn't date and tells anyone that will listen that I'm still in love with her if my "new wife" (she uses a different more degrading term) would just get out of the picture we would get back together.

Well....I had my vasectomy reversed almost a year ago.  The vasectomy I got when married to my BPex .  I told her I wouldn't have more children with her because she wouldn't participate in raising them.  Now my wife and I have been trying for a baby.  Wow.... we are now expecting TWINS!!  My boys with BP ex know and are excited....after the twins shock wore off, but they don't want me to tell their mom or her family.  I don't want to tell their mom.  My wife doesn't want me to tell their mom.  In reality we don't want to tell anyone that will tell their mom because we are all scared of what her reaction will be and that she will take it out on the boys.

We know she is going to realize it...we will have maybe a month before it's going to be obvious we are expecting.  Any advice on how to deal with this and how to prepare the boys would be greatly appreciated.

[Penny Lane]

Hi Dixon and welcome! I'm glad this site has already helped you so much and it sounds like you have a really healthy attitude about dealing with your ex.

And congratulations! What a special happy time for you. I hope you and your family can enjoy this great news without worrying too much about your ex.

My husband and I dealt with a similar situation last year when we told the kids we were getting married. His kids are younger and we decided that we'd tell his ex immediately after we told the kids. The idea was that she could have her immediate, terrible reaction and then sort of calm down before the kids went back to her house. In retrospect I wish I had spent less time worrying what my husband's ex would do and more time enjoying our engagement.

I really hear you on no one wanting to tell her. I would not blame you for delaying it as long as possible. Unfortunately there's no way to keep her from knowing this forever (if only!). The thing to keep in mind is: She IS going to find out, she almost certainly is going to have a bad reaction, none of that is your problem although she's going to try as hard as she can to make it your problem. What if you just decided you don't care what she will do, and you just ripped off the band aid by telling her on your timeline? You certainly don't have to but it gives you a tiny bit of control, at least over the timing of her finding out. And it takes your power back, to some degree, to send the message "I don't care if you throw a temper tantrum about this, it IS happening."

I suggest a short email at a time when she's not with the kids: "I wanted to let you know that (wife) and I are expecting twins. They are due around (month). I've already told the boys and they are excited." Depending on your relationship and level of NC, maybe the email just goes to her parents. And from there it's out of your hands - but just remember you don't have to answer any of her questions or accusations that follow.

On helping the boys prepare: When we told the kids we were getting married, we explicitly told them it was ok to have conflicting feelings about it. We also told them that they could play any role they wanted in the wedding, from none to being a large part of the wedding party. They chose to participate fully and I was glad because it was really their choice, not an obligation. But I also think that inoculated them against the stuff their mom said. If she did try to convince them it was a bad thing (and I'm sure she did in some form) they had already considered whether they had any bad feelings and thought through it on their own.

Depending on how open you can be with the teens about their mom's limitations, I think some version of "Your mom is going to find out, I imagine she will not handle the news well but just remember that her feelings don't have to become your feelings." Depending on their ages maybe it makes sense to work on some scripts for things they think she might do in regards to taking it out on them. Let this be a good lesson for them, where you model how to gracefully stand up to their mom's temper tantrum and unabashedly pursue your own happiness.

I'd also encourage you to check out the coparenting forum. There's a lot of people there who've seen similar situations and who might have good suggestions for preparing older kids for their mom's behavior.

Again, congratulations!

[GentleSoul]

Many congratulations on your exciting news. 

I don't know what would be the best way to tell BP ex as I imagine she will not take it at all well whatever way you do it.   I agree that you telling her rather than her finding out by accident is much the better way to handle it.   You can then manage the situation.

I very much hope her acting out (if it happens) does not spoil things for you.