Competing with adult children

Started by Cascade, July 16, 2019, 05:03:56 PM

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Cascade

Since our children have grown up, I have noticed my husband trying to compete with them. One child bought a nearly new vehicle, so my husband all of a sudden, decided to buy a new vehicle. Then when my husband found out that another child was thinking of buying an apartment my husband said we could buy an apartment, we could rent it out, we can afford to do that (doubtful). He was so obviously competing even though our child was not in the room at the time he said that. He usually saves his worst behaviour for me alone. Have you seen a lot of this in your PD's life too?
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sunshine702

#1
Yes this is very common with NPD.  Yet every bit as crazy creepy inappropriate as you describe.

Recently my husband and I got new coutertops.  We love them and are very happy.  My mom keeps wanting a picture. I know to never get her one.  It would be a completion about who has NICER countertops - my GoldenChild Brother or them versus me.  It sadly would have nothing to do if WE like them and are happy. 

Blank slate is a tool I use.  I try not to tell them anything real in my life - nothing good or bad (they really don't care anyway it is just a measuring tool or weapon for later) so boring grey rock.  Medium chill. How about that summer heat...

Call Me Cordelia

Yup. All the freakin' time. I get a new pan, my mother goes and buys the same ones but a bigger set. I get sick, mom gets a similar but worse illness. I receive a compliment, well everyone knows I got that trait from HER, let me tell you what all these people said about ME. It's an abomination.

athene1399

This doesn't happen with my uPD mom (aside from I have to Blank Slate with her or she'll pick apart what I am saying), but SO's BPDxw does this with me. It's so weird. She must hear it from SD because we don't tell her anything. When I was interning on top of working full time I had to do 12 hours days at my job since two days a week I was interning. xw told SO how she was working 12 hour days and it was so exhausting (she was actually unemployed, so we were baffled). SO's car died, so xw claimed hers did too and bought a new one. When my car had costly repairs so I decided to get a new one the next year, xw wanted a new car as well. She couldn't afford it, so had her mom help her buy one.

She's been diagnoses BPD, but she floats between NPD and HPD traits depending on her mood or the situation. I think it's the NPD traits that bring about this competition side of her. She has to look like she works the hardest, is the smartest, has the best things, is the better parent. We just don't respond in the hopes that it will one day discourage the behavior.  :ninja: it hasn't worked yet.

Summer Sun

Yes, yes, yes.  I could write paragraphs, details, examples of how my UPDparents competed.  At first, I was naive, until it just kept adding up, so specifically, it was obvious.  It felt hurtful once a I realized what was going on.  Parents are supposed to feel happy for their adult children's accomplishments, successes, realization of dreams or even just small joys... or so I thought.  I think healthy parents do.  This is something I strive for with my own. 

I found that an I formation diet worked the best.  Nope.  Not much new.  Same old.  How's the weather your way?  When it's your spouse though, how to deal?  I'm sure others have insight to offer.

Summer Sun
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

Andeza

Yep. This is exactly why my M got almost no details of my pregnancy and accompanying issues. I just didn't want to hear her carry on and on about how much worse her health problems were, ultimately barely even recognizing that I had anything going on. Silence was my best friend.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

Stillirise

#6
Our children aren’t yet grown. However, I have noticed my FIL is often competing with uPDh, and his siblings. For FIL, we know he’s been a successful businessman, so I suppose he doesn’t feel the need to compete with buying things. It’s more like: SIL tells about a particularly harrowing day at work. FIL: that’s nothing. You should have had to deal with the b*tch I dealt with today.

UPDh: tells his dad about something he accomplished outside of work that he’s proud of...FIL: why would you want to waste your time doing that? I spent my day doing....

His competition seems to be who works the hardest, is the smartest, or is the biggest martyr.  I rarely ever hear him pay any compliments, or give any type of validation.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
—Maya Angelou

Daywalker

My father did this. It was so stupid and made him look like an idiot and child.
Example: he was telling about his house ( which was of course the most amazing house ever. Which it absolutely was not but ok. )  Then he asked with a bragging voice: " how big do you think my house is? "  me: " euhhh I dont know "
Him: " 240 square mtr. "
I really wasnt interested at all. But I had just bought a house and the contract was right in front of me and the size was printed on the cover. So I just read out loud " mine is 350" 
Then he starts yelling: " NOT POSSIBLE! NOT POSSIBLE "
I said ( awake now, because I dont stand for that kind of behaviour. " well first of all a toddler can see my house is much bigger, because I have 3 large floors, you have 1 and 2 tiny rooms upstairs. Second of all it says so on my contract. Youd think they know right? "
He was silent for one second, then said: " that's including your garden! "
Me : " no, incl my gardens its 450"
Then he starts bullshit he has an outside too.
Me: " you mean that one square meter place you share with your neighbours? "
He then started yelling that was not the case and nonsense nonsense nonsense.

I said: " I'm gonna hang up. Bye "

What an idiot 🤣

An mind you , he is a contractor and has a perfect eye for spaces and measurements. Thats how much they will lie to themself to win.

Win... a competition with your daughter because your house HAS to be the biggest.

Again: I had 3 large floors. Plus 2 huge gardens.
He had 1 large floor, one very tiny upstairs and a shared place from 1 square meter. 🤣

So pathetic.

I'm so glad I cut the NPD and BPDs out of my life YEARS ago.

I highly recommend it.

Cascade

Yes, that is pathetic, so when is he moving to a bigger house?  ;D 

athene1399

I am dreaming of the day we can cut SO's BPDxw out. We just did a grad party together and we was trying to compete with us. When we just asked her to split what we paid for food she didn't want to. Instead she had to buy the same dollar amount of food last minute so we ended up with way too much. I will never be apart of another joint party. Hopefully we can cut her out soon as SD is 18.

Sidney37

Oh the competition and jealousy.   Both my uPDm and uPD aunt do this. 

My mom can't stand if I go on a holiday without her or better than hers.  My FIL took us on a holiday last year to a specific overseas country.  He paid as a once-in-a-lifetime, final gift of sorts to his children and our families before he stopped traveling for health reasons.  He wanted to share his final trip with his children/grandchildren  and JUST his children/grandchildren.  My PDm couldn't stand it.  She couldn't afford to do something similar, so she complained for months that my FIL didn't invite her to go, too. :stars:  He hardly knows her.  She decided that she should have been invited to pay her own way to go with us on this holiday.  No.   :stars: Not happening.  So she found a trip through her church to go to the same country on a mission trip.  She just couldn't have us going to that country without her finding a way to go, too.  Hers was cheaper and was going to be better.  She was there just after we returned.  Well her experience was totally different than ours because ours was a holiday and hers was a mission trip.  She complained and complained again that we didn't take her on our trip with FIL because ours was better.  She then had me nearly convinced to take her on a second trip this summer to that country to make up for her less than perfect holiday.  First she was going to pay her own way.  In the end she decided that she would pay her flight and I would pay everything else for her.  I would take her to the places I saw on my first trip  but we couldn't go any place she happened to go on her trip.  I finally said no.  We didn't go at all. 

So my NPD aunt has to have the best purchases at the best price/deal.  So if she needs a new appliance, she calls me and asks what I have.  I usually tell her I don't know.  She demands that I walk to my kitchen and tell her.  Sometimes I give in and tell her.  Now that I know better, I tell her that I'm not at home and will tell her later.  I never do.  She will then research all of the reasons that my appliance isn't as good as the one that she is going to buy and the price that I paid was too high.  She has to have the better item at the better price.  She'll call me up every day for weeks while she decides what appliance to buy to tell me why her purchase is better and the price she is paying is better and how I failed to get a good deal like she did. She says that  I must be rich, have too much money and waste it because her deal is better on a better appliance.  When I used to visit her, she would go through my toiletry bag in her guest bathroom and inspect all of my toiletries.  She'd go on line on her phone and price it all out and then lecture me about why the makeup she uses is better, better for your skin, less toxic, less expensive, etc. and how I had made a wrong choice in buying what was in my bag.  Same with my shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, etc.  That's after she actually used my toiletries in my bag when I wasn't looking! 

Cascade

Wow Sidney that has to be really frustrating! I'm glad you said no to the holiday. I'm sure it wouldn't have been much of a holiday for you!