time you spend with you spouse - a new form of shaming?

[Pepin]

As a wife and mother, I have encountered a certain kind of behavior that I do not understand.  To me it seems like it falls under the shaming category.

Years ago when I was a young mother, certain women in my circle bragged about taking vacations with only their husbands....sometimes lasting 1-2 weeks.  This was before social media and the internet.

Today, as I approach becoming an empty nester, women in my circle are now posting about all the time they spend with their husbands aka weekend getaways and extended trips without their teens -- I don't understand what this is.  I guess I don't see my life like theirs.  I am very sensitive about the time we have as a family and am well aware of my teens leaving the nest and then it will be back to me and DH...DH and I never considered needing a break from our kids when they were young, either.  It was part of the job we signed up for.

What I am taking away from the above is that by not spending more intimate time with DH, that I may be weakening my marriage?  In fact, I feel almost shamed as if I am doing something wrong by not having vacationed alone with my husband....years worth of missed opportunities.  While I understand the importance of having a strong marriage, I just cannot fathom leaving my kids for extended periods of time to have fun alone with DH while they have to stay back and be babysat.   

It wouldn't occur to me to blast to others all the time I spend with DH and all the stuff we would do together.  What is this?  Time you spend with your spouse shaming?  Seems like there is always something to shame about these days....

I will never forget when my kids were younger and DH had to travel a lot for work and how I was shamed for not having him around and that he was missing out on many things...while it was true, we were doing the best we could while DH was looking for a better work situation.  As it is now yes, I would like to spend more time with DH alone but life isn't letting us do this.  Our teens are a priority and DH has to deal with his aging PD mother...but I wouldn't be bragging about the time I spend with my DH to anyone else. 

[treesgrowslowly]

Social media has definitely given everyone thier own photo album to share in real time with the world. "Look what I have" and "Look what I did!"

I'm reminded of when a kid comes home from school and shows mom or grandma their art project. It's the adults who have a relationship with that kid who think the art is beautiful. Who feel proud when their child says "Look what I did!" .

The same thing seems to be on social media but it's adults going up to casual acquaintances saying look what I did! It's kinda wierd when you think about how daily these posts are when we lived without daily updates for so long and it wasn't a problem.

Being able to share their stuff daily is very exciting to some people.

The thing we seem to forget about being a wife and being a mother is that there are lots of different ways to be a good mom and a good partner to our mate. They are doing their thing, and you are doing your thing.

Think of how often we showed each other photos of our vacations, weddings and babies before social media existed. That's about the same amount of time I want to spend looking at other peoples lives via photos and hearing about it nowadays.

It's not daily. This doesnt make me a bad person, just a luddite lol.

Maybe mute some of your feed so you don't get a daily dose of other peoples photo albums.

For all you know They are posting these so that grandma sees them, and its an easy way for them to show their family how they are doing. For people with big families across different places, social media becomes their way of sharing their photo album. It doesn't have anything to do with us and our enjoyment of our family.

[Hazy111]

Narcs love to boast and brag and draw attention to themselves. Social media is designed for and used by narcs. Its pure narc supply. Look at me , notice me, are you jealous?

Why would any secure person be remotely be interested in the minutae of other peoples lives . You only get an edited positive view , its never the truth, so why bother??

"The more the posts the more the narc"

[Andeza]

I kinda think that people primarily use social media for bragging rights too. I'm amazed by how shallow and pointless much of it is, so I've taken to ignoring it altogether. You do you. So long as you're happy, that's what counts.

[Poison Ivy]

I don't think that time spent only with one's spouse should be used to shame other people.  However, in retrospect, I do wonder if my marriage would have been stronger if I had spent more time only with my spouse (that is, away from the children).  My marriage started having problems while our children were still living at home.  I hoped to work on the marriage after they were both in college. My then husband had other ideas.  The day after we took our younger daughter to college, my husband started his "part-time, temporary" job as his parents' caregiver 150 miles away.  That was the beginning of the end of our marriage. I don't regret all the time we spent with our children, and I continue to have strong relationships with them. But the marriage probably could have used some time, too.

[Pepin]

You only get an edited positive view , its never the truth, so why bother??

"The more the posts the more the narc"

Yes....this is what I was thinking.  All of sudden seeing all these pics of husband and wife time seemed a bit out of place. 

In addition, before the Internet, it was odd to suddenly have the grandparents show up one day and realize that my neighbors had left town...this happened a few times a year and as a new mom it wasn't something I could understand since the kids were younger than mine but ok...

I don't think that time spent only with one's spouse should be used to shame other people.  However, in retrospect, I do wonder if my marriage would have been stronger if I had spent more time only with my spouse (that is, away from the children).  My marriage started having problems while our children were still living at home.  I hoped to work on the marriage after they were both in college. My then husband had other ideas.  The day after we took our younger daughter to college, my husband started his "part-time, temporary" job as his parents' caregiver 150 miles away.  That was the beginning of the end of our marriage. I don't regret all the time we spent with our children, and I continue to have strong relationships with them. But the marriage probably could have used some time, too.

That is hard for me to swallow since I, too struggle to have enough meaningful time with DH due to his ailing PD mother that lives 20 minutes from us.  In fact, if she is still alive when we become empty nesters in a few years....I cannot even think about how he will divide his time and it scares the **** out of me.  I don't know if I can trust him based on his previous and current behavior with her.  Their relationship has often made me question my own marriage...I feel as though I am a stranger sometimes and have detached in certain ways and turned to myself for comfort instead.   While my husband can see clearly within other peoples strained relationships with their parents, he cannot see it with his own mother.  And I find it fascinating that he gets frustrated that they cannot see what he sees...if only he could see what I see.  *sigh*

Anyway, I know it is difficult not to insert the internet into a conversation like this but I wasn't really feeling that the internet is the main culprit here.  I failed to mention that I run into people regularly who feel the need to give me a summation of their activity without kids since we are all older parents.  Everyone seems to rekindling what they had pre kids and I'm like.....hello?  I guess they don't have PD parent problems like I do. 

[p123]

My brother does it. Him and his wife post things like "my wonderful wife" etc etc.

Week later shes calling him the c word for some childish picture hes posted on facebook. For all to see...

[athene1399]

I'm not sure if it's shaming as much as it is their insecurities coming out, like "look at my perfect life even though I hate it most of the time". Personally, SO and I always take SD on vacation with us. If we can't afford to, we don't go. But there are some parents that like the vacation from their families. I find it weird, but to each their own I guess. Maybe they try to spin it as a brag because they feel insecure/selfish about it. IDK for sure, just speculating.

[blacksheep7]

The time you spend with your spouse is your affair, what works for you and what your values are.  Some people are happy staying home with the kids, family time while other get their enjoyment from going out.   To each his own.

I have to tell you that my narc parents left for to go on vacation to visit family in Europe for 3-4 weeks.  My NF told his boss his mother was dying. 
We were four kids 17, 16, 10, 8 years old.  NF convinced my aunt NF sister to babysit us as she was single and promised to bring us on vacation in Florida the same summer.  We did go.

My aunt did the grocery shopping, cooking and bathed the two youngest. I did most of the rest, cleaning, laundry, dishes.... They went in May  year end of school,  I was 16.  They didn't care about  the mental and physical  load they left us with.

I didn't think much of it for decades until coming Out of the FOG.   That was just horribly selfish/narc of them.  They had the spotlight all the time.  But NF expected good grade from his kids.  The two eldest which included me did miserably in high school.   We went back later in life.

There is so much that we can't understand how other people "operate" in life...that's their business.  Pepin, you have strong values and morals and are doing great for your family and kids...keep it up

[1footouttadefog]

My pds symtomes werw not so bad when we first had the kids. 

We enjoyed having them with us and doing things that catered to them.  We never wanted to use baby sitters and such.  We were a pack and traveled as a pack, happily with all members being catered to , entertained and accomodated.

Thebkids always sat at the tavle from the beginning and had good manners, taking them to a good restaurant was not an issue.  There were few issues with public behaviour and we woukd leave a public olace at the first hint even if it meant one of us lost out on seeing a movie or such.

When I ejcounter peooke who are always ditching the kids and tsking kidless vacarions I think the following thoughts:

Too bad their kids dont behave enough for them to enjoy time out of the home with them.  Too bad they dont look forward to family time together. 

Too bad they have to be away from the house and the kids to have decent sex.  Its said if you cannot have decent sex without being in a fancy hotel room or on a cruise.

I wonder if one or the other has to be bribed. 

Too bad there is not enough order in the home thst the adults can have alone time together either in the morning, at night or both.  To bad the kids cant be exoected to entertsin themselves or watch a movie while the parents chat and catch up.

Anyway, different strokes for different folks.   I not judgeing those who need to vacstion away from the kids, it's just not what we needed.

Likely some families feel that the grandparents having time extended with the kids like that part of being a family.  Some couples likely welcome the opportunity to drink and parry without being responsibke for kids at the same time.  I get it, just did not choose it for me.

Besides hotel suites with separate sleeping areas exist for a reason.  Lol

Some of those facebook pictures do not tell the story behind those vacation choices.  Some are lifestyle opportunities and others are desparate escapes.