Hi... need somewhere to process all of this

[twistedknots]

Hi there,

Been lurking for a while, reading posts, and just feel the need to get some of this off my chest. Been a difficult few months. My MIL has been increasingly difficult, manipulative, and controlling. DH is trying but wades in and Out of the FOG depending on the day.

After setting a very important to us boundary not too long ago, DH received blame, shame, and ultimately was told he was no longer welcome to visit. We both were ok with this and didn't reach out further. Recently it was all swept under the rug and we are supposed to go and have a visit and "talk it all out". After being twisted up in knots for days (hence the username) I came to the conclusion that I just can't anymore. I wrote down my feelings in an email and sent it a few days ago. I've blocked her email and phone but DH has not and I'm in so much anxiety waiting for the inevitable blowout that I'm making myself sick.

I don't know how to feel better, or move forward, we have kids and it's complicated of course. I know I have to have space to heal but that space feels like it can be shattered any second if the rest of my family somehow gets dragged back in. I just want to write this down and feel less alone for the moment, but I also want to read through some more threads and perhaps post more specific scenarios in the future for advice and support. I feel like there is still a lot of road ahead.

[Penny Lane]

Hi, welcome! You are definitely not alone!

I'm glad you posted - I think many people here can identify with your feelings of being stuck in limbo and always waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Sounds like you've already set some pretty firm boundaries, so kudos for that.

Glad you're here and looking forward to hearing more specifics as you get settled in.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome. You are alone and you have done something really important for yourself in reaching out for support. There is something incredibly powerful and healing in seeing so many similarities in the stories posted here and to have others that believe and understand when we share what we have experienced at the hands of a person with disordered traits and behaviors.

I look forward to seeing you on the Dealing with PD In Laws Board and supporting you! I'm glad you officially joined this amazing community.

[all4peace]

twistedknots, great screenname! And welcome, although I'm sorry you're facing an IL situation that made you need to find us.

In the beginning of my journey, when I was in the place you are now, it helped to imagine various scenarios and then visualize how I would handle each one of them. It was total hypervigilance and probably added to the anxiety, but it also helped me feel prepared at a time I was terrified.

Really, though, only you will be able to figure out you. And it may be a matter of taking the time to observe yourself, what ratchets up the anxiety, what calms it down, what you can count on at this point in time, what you cannot.

It also has helped me to remember (at the advice of many here!) what the ILs (or parents, for many of us) cannot do:
they cannot beat us
they cannot send us to bed without supper
they cannot take away our meaning in life
they cannot take away our strengths, joys, relationships (although it sure feels like it at times!)

They CAN grow to be so large in our minds and hearts that the world starts to go gray and we start to lose sight of all we have, but WE can reframe, refocus and remember all the beauty that this world and our lives still hold.

I am so sorry you're facing disordered behavior, especially with children in the mix, and I do hope you will keep posting, keep reading and let us help you through.

[twistedknots]

Thank you all for the welcome! I really appreciate that there's somewhere to get support from people who get it. DH is normally my support and rock in everything, but this topic is obviously just not a good one to lean on him for. He's on his own journey through all of this. He's made progress but it's so much easier for me to detach because it's not my family.

[SerenityCat]

Welcome!  We definitely understand here.