How to set boundaries with a consistently passive aggressive narcissist?

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losingmyself

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Oh, my gosh, I sat and read every word in this thread, and will again and again!  Thank you for sharing your thoughts, experiences and wisdom here, so we can all learn ideas on how to respond to our spouses and other 'challenging' people in our lives.  It's so nice to read a conversation where people have different thoughts and they're shared respectfully and honestly. Sharing differing views, and talking about things until both parties come to understand what the other is saying without judgement or anger is so refreshing, and missing in my life, and I'm assuming other's as well. Thank you for letting me follow, and for being so open and honest. I'm hoping for the best outcome for all of us.

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SparkStillLit

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Re: How to set boundaries with a consistently passive aggressive narcissist?
« Reply #21 on: August 31, 2019, 01:51:53 PM »
Yes, I just read all this as well. Also in another thread SoT has some more techniques and some phrases that I remember from books and therapy in the past. There were more phrases, and I used to practice them in secret in the car on my way home. My H's rageouts and bad moods and lows and stuff always follow the same pattern and he says the same stuff, so it isn't hard for me to imagine the scenarios.
Sometimes he comes up with new things, like now everything is a "clique", but it always ultimately goes the same way.
I hear you about the PETS. He's always on about getting rid of our dogs and renting! We have a pair of 10 year old Scottish Deerhounds that we've had since pups. We have cats too, but he isn't concerned about them. He isn't good at looking after the pets, either. When I used to do shift work, he would call me mid shift with some giant dog drama. After I got off duty I would take pains to work with the dogs (I never had all these issues with them, they're naturally very good, calm dogs, and well trained), but sure as sunrise, next shift I would get some high drama call about dogs. I stopped taking calls while on duty, I'd pretend I had a flight.
As everyone says, I just took over care of the helpless, and shifted some of it to the kids as they got older. Same with household chores and meals. He actually actively resists this and undermines as much as possible.
The only thing I can't shift is household maintenance. He lets the place fall down around our ears, did the same with our other place. He'll only do it if it's emergent or it inconveniences him some way. Then of course it's accompanied by a rage.
I just try to stay cool.
GOSH SORRY this turned into a Spark tangent, you'd think I was one of them!!