Disturbing Behavior in Undiagnosed DSS18

[Magnolia34]

I don't think I've posted here and if I have it's been a bit. My DH's ex wife is Ubpd. The last few years have been crazy and we're starting to see some really concerning behaviors in his 18 year old son. Here's a little breakdown.

2 years ago- Right before DH and I got married. DSS(then)16 became very verbally aggressive with me one afternoon that I was caring for the kids alone. He then ran away, stayed with his mother for almost a year and played a big part in dragging his younger siblings into the conflict. There were abuse accusations, breaking into our house to stage things (turning doorknobs around then accusing us of locking them in their rooms, etc.)

1 year ago- DSS17 came back into the 50/50 time sharing plan. It took a little while for things to feel normal but he did okay for the most part aside from a few issues with school.

This past spring: DSS17 didn't graduate from high school, quit his job and has refused to get another but all in all remained pleasant and helpful around the house.

Two weeks ago: DH started turning up the heat on DSS's job hunt. We went on vacation, he came with us, and DH made it really clear that he was to find a job when we returned home and until he did he would not be hanging out with friends or leaving the house unless it was job related.

Needless to say our vacation didn't go well. After several blowups, being hateful to me, DH and his siblings, DSS17 (18 very soon) had UbpdBM book him a plane ticket home. He harassed DH all day via text message, demanding to get into our house to get his things and threatening to call the police to do so. H told him that because of his behavior he would not be allowed in the house until we were home. He offered to have our house sitter put his things on the front porch but DSS declined, continuing to demand access to the house. DH texted BM and let her know that DSS would not be allowed in the house. She didn't respond, instead, taking him straight there after she picked him up from the airport. We watched the entire thing unfold on our security system. He beat on the door, paced around the front yard screaming and yelling (at 11:00 at night) while BM sat in the car. He called DH and I both no less than 10 times in a period of only a few minutes. DH finally called the police and asked them to go make sure he was okay and to explain that he was not allowed in the house until we returned home. It took 30 minutes of convincing but they eventually left. After that, DSS texted two of his siblings multiple times asking for the code to enter our house.

In the middle of one of his rants he very randomly said he needed his sleeping bag (to stay at your mom's?) So DH of course checked said sleeping back when we got home and we found what looks like nicotine vape pens and maybe a thc vape pen. DH ordered a residue test kit to confirm. Neither of these things are the end of the world (I've never gone through withdrawals) but what we observed from DSS seemed SO MUCH MORE than just that. It was all really upsetting to watch.

I'm not sure why I'm posting other than to see if anyone else has gone through anything similar (I know the answer to that!) We're strongly suspecting some type of disorder but unfortunately, he's almost 18 and I'm afraid we've run out of time to get him help. DH emailed BM with his concerns and she responded that she sees nothing wrong with the way he's acting... of course, everything is fine at her house.

[hhaw]

I'm so sorry your family is going through this.  It's terrible, and heartbreaking to read. 

Having just gone through the job conversation with my dd18, bc she hasn't applied to any colleges yet, I'm going to share a bit with you.

First, the book THE PARALLEL PROCESS was super helpful in my relationship with this particular dd.  I learned to ask dd what she was going to do about a problem, then go off and let her have it to herself for a bit.  Before I moved into consequences for not meeting a deadline, I reminded her gently, and with some curiosity, then let it go again. 

Now, I had to go away for a week on business, and my sister was staying at our house.  While I was away, I received texts from my sister about DD18 setting up several job interviews herself.  DD fell in love with one business, and the manager/co workers, and found another place completely wrong.  DD felt great about the responses she recieved from the interviewers.  The fear turned into confidence,  and gratitude that she was in demand, and a position to be choosey.  DD18 began practicing driving for her road test, which is amazing,  bc she's been experiencing anxiety, depression, and school refusal since Christmas, which she barely managed to figure out.  I supported her.  I didn't do anything for her, outside set up a secondary meeting.   
   

Anyway, when I manage to stay neutral with her, and completely hooked into compassion and curiosity for what SHE'LL DO to solve her problem, it makes it impossible for her to make it about me.  There's nothing to argue about, bc the consequences are logical, and most of the time she helps come up with the consequences herself.   I try to keep my message very positive.  I have faith in her ability to handle her situation, and the expectation she will do well with it.  I turn my attention back to something I'm responsible for, and I've been seeing a wonderful T weekly.  It helps.   

If I have to apply consequences, I do it with compassion... very sorry the choice is what it is, and I wish it wasn't so.   Of course, it's up to dd to choose something else for herself... it has nothing to do with me, again.  It's about her, and I want the best for her.  I'm always hopeful, and compassionate.... well.  That's not true, but I do strive.   Earlier today she had to clean a 10 foot long cusion with a dog pee stain right in the middle.  NOT EASY, and I got frustrated, then remembered she doesn't know how to perform that job.  I've done it before, and it's hard, tedious, lots of rinsing hours of work.   I'd lose my patience, remember to step in, teach, and step out.  She's almost done with the job, and it's only been 10 hours of me urging her,  as gently as could be managed, with her knowing this is her dog, and her problem to solve.  Now she has the skills,  and knowledge.  Now she knows the consequences of not taking her dog out on a schedule.  Not mom being a hard arse... this is her failing to be consistent with her Pug.  It's about her, and her dog. 

I don't know if this helps, or if it's at all relevant to your situation.

My sympathies are with you. 

Good luck,

[notrightinthehead]

acc1984, it seems your SS had a massive reaction to the boundaries you implemented.  Could it be possible that he just is not used to no meaning NO?  Not getting into your home while you were away seems to have really enraged him and he found it hard to accept that you meant what you said.  His behaviour seems like a temper tantrum from a much younger child. Maybe he is still a bit immature.
I would not give up just yet. With 18 he still can change a lot.  You made your point and showed him some limits. Now you could continue being consistent with your boundaries while at the same time being supportive and kind.
I like Hhaw's suggestion to give the message 'I have trust in your ability to sort out your own problems. I am interested in how you will go about it.' That way you convey that you have high regard for him and that you will not do the work for him.
Good luck!

[Magnolia34]

Thank you both for your incredibly helpful responses!

hhaw, that is a really wonderful perspective. I'm a BIG FAN of natural consequences and it's so great that your DD was able to navigate those tough situations! We've had "grass mowing" incidents much like your "cushion cleaning" one. It can be tedious but so rewarding when they figure it out. DH and I have tried really hard to lean on the natural consequences of DSS's choices. We don't give DSS money for things, however, we have offered to help him in specifics ways should he choose to make good decisions for himself- use of one of our cars should he get his grades high enough to get his license-he didn't, help with car insurance should he get a job and save enough money to buy his own vehicle-he hasn't. But it was getting really hard to have him either laying around the house or running around with friends having not graduated from high school and showing very little effort to get a job (we found out from one of his siblings that he was stealing money from them at Ubpd BM's to pay for things). DH turned up the heat, restricted his "fun time" with the explanation that "If I quit my job or don't go into work then I don't have money for fun things and hanging out with friends" and he did. not. like. it.

Notrightinthehead you are exactly right about DSS's maturity and his reaction to our boundaries. Although he has been put in a "parental" role with his siblings at BM's because she leaves them alone a lot (and in many ways he acts as BM's main source of support), he is very immature for his age and has a hard time with very simple tasks (he didn't even know which city we were vacationing in and BM initially booked his flight from the wrong airport a hundred miles or more from where we were staying). He has also had a lot of freedom because of BM's lack of supervision. DH has admitted that in order to soften the blow of a lot of BM's decisions and the chaos he grew up with he hasn't said "no" or stuck with boundaries very well in the past. I think this new "no means no" line DH has drawn was VERY jolting for DSS.

So far DH and DSS haven't spoken since we returned from vacation on Tuesday. BM is denying that she sees any issue with how DSS is behaving or the state of his life so DH is pressing and has requested an appointment with our parent coordinator. The hardest part of all of this is that yes, DH and I are on the same page but when DSS can run to BM for fun, freedom, and reinforcement of his behavior (because BM would rather hurt DH by alienating them than do what's best for DSS) all we can do is draw those boundaries and wait. I know much of this is age-related but I seriously suspect some mental health issues as well. BM, her mother and her sister have all struggled with mood and personality disorders (BM is undiagnosed but her mother and sister have both been diagnosed bpd and bi polar). My younger brother went through a REALLY hard time during college, drugs, mental health, homelessness, etc. He has an incredible life today! But he also had two parents working together to help him.

Thank you both for your encouragement, ideas and feedback! You've given me a lot to think on!

[Brooke]

First, the book THE PARALLEL PROCESS was super helpful in my relationship with this particular dd.  I learned to ask dd what she was going to do about a problem, then go off and let her have it to herself for a bit.  Before I moved into consequences for not meeting a deadline, I reminded her gently, and with some curiosity, then let it go again. 

This is excellent advice and I'm going to go order that book right now!

acc1984 I have similar problems with my niece, who I sort of see as similar to a stepchild in our family. It's so hard when you're a parent but not a parent, if you know what I mean.

[Magnolia34]

Brooke, I absolutely do know. Thank you for understanding. As anxious and stressed out as I am I can't even imagine how my DH feels. I just try to offer advice and support him. I think we're both kind of done for now. DSS18 is too old for anything to be legally done. We haven't heard from him in a month (I haven't been on here for a while. Sometimes I need a little break from the forum because it can make my anxiety worse) and although DH and BM have a meeting with our Parent Coordinator today I don't know that there is anything she can do but encourage BM to get him help.

[hhaw]

Getting this young man help learning to regulate his emotions would be the greatest gift any 18yo could possibly receive, IMO.

Some therapists specialize in trauma, and addiction.  Those with Buddhist leanings are more helpful, IME. 

Good luck,

[Magnolia34]

Thank you, hhaw,

Unfortunately, we have tried and gotten nowhere. DH had a meeting with uBPDbm and a Parent Coordinator last week and it was completely useless. DH had hoped that because this PC helped with reunification a few years ago when DSS18 (then 16) ran off and lived with BM for a year, she would require them to do something now. As I suspected, she said "DSS is 18 so there really isn't anything to do." She encouraged BM and DH to work together, admitted that the two of them working together to get him to counseling would be a positive thing. BM said "He's 18 and I'm not making him do anything. The only issue he was having was because he had DH in his life. Now that he's not everything is great!"

So. It did dawn on me that the more DH tries to hang onto his relationship with DSS18 (which at this point is non-existent because we haven't seen or heard from him in a month) the more BM is going to attempt to drive a wedge between them. DH has reached out to DSS but at this point the best thing I think he can do is back off. When BM is no longer hoovering DSS to hurt DH things will break down between them (BM and DSS) very quickly and I think DSS may come back for help.

[hhaw]

DH needs to take care of himself, and DS has been told he's always welcome, and knows where to find dad.

That's all your dh can do for now, IME.

Drop the roap, and see if that change rings any new bells for DSS.

Sometimes, when we're faced with the consequences of our actions, we perk up, feel the sting, and change course, IME.

I hope your dh can find some peace in the moment.