PD parents allowing teen sex in the home

bunnie · August 19, 2019, 03:43:19 PM

I've written before about my uPD sister and bil's extreme dysfunction. I have a situation I'd like to bounce off of you.
My niece returned home this spring after her first year of college. She attended on an academic scholarship. In addition to the usual adjustments of first year college life, my bil called her weekly and would complain for hours about his marriage, finances and job situations. This was a major source of stress for her, of course.

A few nights ago, my sister asks me to go to her house to care for one of the minor kids. When I arrived at the house, my niece and her teen boyfriend are in her bed. I ask them who gave permission to be in her bedroom and they tell me my bil and sister. I make sure the minor kids are sleeping in bed before I leave. Oh and my bil is in his bed "sleeping". My sister calls asking why I questioned my niece and her boyfriend. You can imagine the deflection, gaslighting, crazy making, etc. I stood my ground and proceeded to tell her off for making the situation about me.

In an effort to keep my post as simple as possible, I will stop here. I'm willing to answer any questions and/or elaborate, if anyone cares to respond. I'm interested in your experiences with PDs allowing teen sex in the home, particularly when minor children are present. Ugh! What, if anything, would you do?

Poison Ivy · August 19, 2019, 05:34:29 PM

My now-adult children have never had sex in the house where they grew up (and where I still live), but I would have allowed them to do so if they were quiet and respectful of other people in the house.

bunnie · August 19, 2019, 07:05:51 PM

Thanks for responding

notrightinthehead · August 20, 2019, 01:28:14 AM

I also would have allowed it.

It depends a lot on what is acceptable where you live. Where I am, the general opinion is that teenagers will engage sexually, whether you allow it or not. And then it is better to allow it in a safe place rather than in a car or a park.

bunnie · August 20, 2019, 05:04:38 AM

Thank you for replying.
I realize I left out the most important questions.
Would you have allowed it with grade school children (siblings) in the home? What about younger teen siblings? And would you allow the boyfriend/girlfriend to come and go as they please and/or stay the night? Move in?

Drawing_boundaries · August 20, 2019, 05:25:24 AM

It is inappropriate for young children to be made aware of sexual intimacy which is what I would be concerned about with having teenagers being sexually active in a dysfunctional home. Your sister making it about you and gaslighting makes me think there is more to it than just teenagers in bed together. Teenagers are sexual beings and likely to do it elsewhere if not in the home but the younger children should be sheltered from it for sure.

bunnie · August 20, 2019, 05:40:54 AM

Quote from: Drawing_boundaries on August 20, 2019, 05:25:24 AM
It is inappropriate for young children to be made aware of sexual intimacy which is what I would be concerned about with having teenagers being sexually active in a dysfunctional home. Your sister making it about you and gaslighting makes me think there is more to it than just teenagers in bed together. Teenagers are sexual beings and likely to do it elsewhere if not in the home but the younger children should be sheltered from it for sure.

Can you elaborate on the red? More to what?

bunnie · August 20, 2019, 07:20:05 AM

On second thought, I understand the red. I initially read it as separate from the rest of your post. I agree.

Call Me Cordelia · August 20, 2019, 07:45:31 AM

In answer to your question, I don't happen to agree that teenagers should be allowed to have sex. In my view that is an adult (married) privilege and responsibility. However that's not really the issue.

We're low on details here, but I don't think it's unreasonable to question whether that was allowed. I doubt bunnie burst into the bedroom looking to catch them out. At least that's not what it sounded like. Maybe she can clarify. But it sounds like the teens were being rather indiscreet. Which is an issue.

If bunnie is uncomfortable being there with the boyfriend in bed, I think that's a reasonable boundary for you to state. That might be in bounds at their house, but it's ok for you to have different boundaries for yourself. If they invite you or ask you to come help, they ought to respect your feelings while you are present.

As far as the minor children, I don't think small kids should ever be aware of sex going on in the house. It's a private, adult thing. Sex in front of children is sexual abuse, as some posters here can personally attest. It's not clear that was an issue in this case.

bunnie · August 20, 2019, 07:07:11 PM

My sister called me to go care for one of my younger nieces. That niece presented to me as extremely distraught and anxious. Before I left she said , " Auntie, PLEASE go check on '18 year old niece', PLEASE" My minor niece's issue was of a physical nature that now requires me to follow up on possible sexual abuse. My sister and her husband are allowing sexual acts in the home with 3 minor children in the home. You're right, Cordelia, It is sexual abuse. My sister screamed at me that "18 year old is an adult and she's VERY mad and upset with you, and so am I". I shared the situation because of the gaslighting and verbal abuse my sister hurled at me instead of addressing the problem. She wasn't even concerned about my young niece's pain.

I know it's hard to convey everything in a post. I needed to share some of this with those who understand how PD behavior makes everything so much worse. Thank you, everyone.
To add insult to injury, my Ndad, took my sister's side and yelled at me that I shouldn't have gone over there and should have been obedient and stayed on task with what Nsis told me to do and nothing more. Ugh! It never ends.

Poison Ivy · August 20, 2019, 07:33:40 PM

Putting aside my opinions about where sex between two young adults should occur, I do find it very concerning that your sister asked you to go to her house to take care of another one of her children and then went off on you when you did as she asked.

bunnie · August 20, 2019, 07:45:59 PM

The other issue also is that to the public my sister is a staunch opposer of teen sex. She recently put up a FB post stating her horrors at sexualizing young children. Yet she pushed my niece into teen sex, constantly asking her "have you had sex yet?" and arranging hotel rooms with other teens , etc. She also allows this teenage boy to stay overnight at the house while the kids are home. When I've questioned her about this in the past, she adamantly denies that the kid is over the house. It is very concerning for many reasons.

momnthefog · August 22, 2019, 09:11:39 AM

bunnie,

It almost seems like the uPD sis set you up.

If there was a teen in the house....who finished college....then I would expect that individual could attend to the needs of a minor child. I have kids from 17-31 and I would have expected that the older teen/young adult would help with minor children unless there was an emergency and in that event, I would be on my way home.

I have BPDd and this is exactly the kind of thing I can imagine her doing.....as difficult as it is....I'd back up and let her raise her kids they way she wants. My BPDd has a 7 yo child.....my grandchild.....and I focus on trying to be a safe harbor for her and offer her a place where she is safe and loved.

Maybe that's the best you can do for the nieces.

I've noticed that BPDd seems to live vicariously though her daughter....sounds like your sis may be doing the same thing....I would never DREAM of asking my teens/young adults if they'd had sex yet....in fact it's something I've encouraged them to wait for.

momnthefog

bunnie · August 23, 2019, 05:18:25 PM

I agree, momnthefog. uPD sis is very manipulative. I don't usually wake up in the middle of the night and go to my sister's house to check on anyone. I went there because she stated that "18 year old" wouldn't tend to the 9 year old. Fortunately, I can't be harmed by my sister.

Free2Bme · September 03, 2019, 09:46:00 PM

Hi bunnie,
This is an appalling situation, on many levels. At a minimum you were placed in the middle of this dysfunction and worse case, set up as momnthefog suggested. I agree with Cordellia, it seems as your sis and bil are pushing boundaries. I encourage you to decide what you think an appropriate response would be with the children's best interests in mind, and follow through. Your bil/sis are roping you into their mess for whatever reason, you should send them a clear message, the children are watching to see what aunt bunnie will do with this situation. Maybe you can find meaningful ways to show love and support to these young people and also protect yourself from exploitation. So sorry that you are dealing with this.

bunnie · September 04, 2019, 09:15:03 AM

Thanks for replying, Free2Bme.
My sister went on a text tirade slamming me about "minding my own business" and "overstepping" my bounds. My 18 year old niece also sent a barrage of text messages calling me names and saying that "all of this" started bc I invaded her privacy. So I should accept some type of blame bc I questioned her? My youngest niece has been sending emojis to reach out. I'm hesitant to reply because I don't want her to get caught and punished. I have no idea how I should respond or what I should do next? Any suggestions?