What is worse? "Unfriending" or not being a friend?

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Dinah-sore

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What is worse? "Unfriending" or not being a friend?
« on: July 17, 2019, 08:58:43 PM »
One more quick question. I unfriended a "friend" of mine on social media a few days ago. I feel so bad, because when I did it I know it was the "hurt six year old" in me just reacting to pain. But it was also a moment when I felt like, "This person is not a friend. I am going to unfriend her." And I am just barely learning how to set boundaries, so this time I may have went a bit overboard, but at least I stood up for what I felt at that moment.

I would like some feedback. Because maybe instead of unfriending her I should have had a talk with her.

I have known her for several years and she is someone who has an exaggerated sense of self importance, she is grandiose, she brags about how amazing she is, she puts a ton of pressure on her kids to be outwardly perfect, she is always trying to get attention or look better than people. (that is fine, it is none of my business, but it is backstory). So this woman has been hurtful to one of my kids lately. Her teenage daughter is pretty difficult for two of my children to be friends with. That is normal at this age. And both of my kids keep giving her chances. The thing that hurts me though is that her daughter is ALWAYS telling my daughter how much her parents hate my kid. First it was, "My dad has never liked you. He hates that we are friends." And when my daughter asked why, she said, "You need to spend more time with my dad so he can get to know you better." That seemed weird to me. My dd was like, "WTH? I don't want to come to your house to spend time with your dad and prove to him that he shouldn't hate me." So my DD even declined to go to her house for a party, because she felt uncomfortable with the whole "my dad hates you" comment.

And last week, my DD was telling me of a conversation she had with this girl, where she was trying to confront some of the rude behavior, while trying to reconcile the friendship. My DD gave her the benefit of the doubt for a bunch of stuff she had done to my DD, and DD felt so much better, but she tells me that in the conversation this girl was saying how her mom is always telling her to ignore my DD, to pretend she isn't in the room, and to pretend she can't hear my DD if my DD says hi. I had to stop DD and say, "Wait, what?"  I have no problem with the mom talking about my kid; it is their home, she has that right. But the girl does these things to my dd and it is so embarrassing!  This girl came up to all my DD's friends this weekend gave hugs to everyone, and when my DD went to give her a hug she looked at her, held her arm out to stop it, and walked away. Also, this mom will see my kids at church and go out of her way to hug and kiss and fawn loudly over my dd's other friends, and go out of her way to pretend like my kids are invisible. They are standing right next to her and she will not even make eye contact or say hi (for hours). She will totally ignore them, the same way she tells her daughter too.

I have experienced her treat me this way too. One day back in February she totally did this to me. I wondered what I had done. I remember even talking to my DH about how weird it was. The next time I saw her I went out of my way to walk straight up to her and give her a hug and ask how she was doing. When I did that she seemed to be nice to me. But then a few weeks later she ghosted me again in public. It is okay if she doesn't want to be my friend. I know I haven't done anything to hurt her. She has a history of people totally cutting off friendship with her. It just feels so weird.

But aside from me, I think it is rude to my kids to do that. I am polite to kids even when they do something rude to my kids. I am even nice to her daughter when she does all kinds of weird stuff to my kids. I maybe should confront the mom? But she usually spiritualizes things like this and acts like she is a "better christian" and might act shocked and appalled that I unfriended her. I get it. Totally my fault. I really made myself look like the jerk in this situation.

But after all of this, I am sitting here with the reality that I don't like this woman. I think she has behaved unkindly and she acts fake because she is so nice and over affectionate with people she wants to get close too. Mostly "important" people in leadership at the church (she used to think I was "important" because my husband works there). I put that in quotes because EVERYONE is important. But you know she wants to be "popular" and I am not about that, so she "moved on" to other people to befriend. Is it okay that I unfriended her? I mean she really isn't my friend. Should I apologize? Should I talk to her about her behavior? It seems almost pointless, and also, she can deny ignoring people ("I didn't see them"). I would be so thankful for any thoughts. <3 Thank you!!!
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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SerenityCat

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Re: What is worse? "Unfriending" or not being a friend?
« Reply #1 on: July 17, 2019, 09:08:16 PM »
You can unfriend her on social media. For any reason or none, this is your right.

You don't need to apologize. You don't need to try to discuss things with her, sounds like that would just end up in a circular conversation.

You aren't a jerk.

I totally understand why you are thinking a lot about this, I would be doing the same. I'd probably ruminate and find it hard to let go of. I'd worry that maybe I was mean/stupid/a jerk. I'd probably feel embarrassed. All because of how I was raised (dysfunctional family).

But eventually I'd figure out that I have the right to walk away from people however and whenever I need to. I'd make myself get occupied by something else. I'd feel ashamed for awhile but would make myself move on.

 :hug:

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notrightinthehead

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Re: What is worse? "Unfriending" or not being a friend?
« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2019, 05:23:59 AM »
Seems that this woman treats you and your daughter very badly. Do you think you should encourage people to treat you badly? Unfriending a person who treats you badly is just protecting yourself from further harm. Do you believe it is ok for yourself to protect yourself and your child from further harm?
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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PeanutButter

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Re: What is worse? "Unfriending" or not being a friend?
« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2019, 10:56:06 AM »
I think your gut instinct lead you to unfriend her. I think it was the right decision. If it was me I would stand by my decision and i would not have any conversations with her about it let alone apologise. She sounds very passive aggressive and is training her dd to be the same way. There may be some jealousy of you and your daughter going on here IMO. MC might be the easiest way forward now to further protect yourself and children. Good luck.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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Dinah-sore

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Re: What is worse? "Unfriending" or not being a friend?
« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2019, 11:26:33 PM »
You can unfriend her on social media. For any reason or none, this is your right.

You don't need to apologize. You don't need to try to discuss things with her, sounds like that would just end up in a circular conversation.

You aren't a jerk.

I totally understand why you are thinking a lot about this, I would be doing the same. I'd probably ruminate and find it hard to let go of. I'd worry that maybe I was mean/stupid/a jerk. I'd probably feel embarrassed. All because of how I was raised (dysfunctional family).

But eventually I'd figure out that I have the right to walk away from people however and whenever I need to. I'd make myself get occupied by something else. I'd feel ashamed for awhile but would make myself move on.

 :hug:

Thank you so much. Yeah, totally ruminating!!! Thank you for your suggestions.

Seems that this woman treats you and your daughter very badly. Do you think you should encourage people to treat you badly? Unfriending a person who treats you badly is just protecting yourself from further harm. Do you believe it is ok for yourself to protect yourself and your child from further harm?

Your questions may be rhetorical, but I will answer them anyways because I think I need to! I don't think I should encourage people to treat me badly. I am still working out how to discourage them. And you are right, unfriending them is one way to protect me from further harm. And I do believe it is okay to protect my child from further harm. I don't know if in this situation it is okay to protect myself though, because it is all unprovable. I feel like I need to JADE to myself that it is okay to unfriend her. But you are right and I agree with you. And I also have this voice in my head that considers how it will affect me at church that says, "Can't you just be nice to her Dinah? Maybe she will be nice if you are just nicer to her." --And that is proof I still have healing to do. <3
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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1footouttadefog

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Re: What is worse? "Unfriending" or not being a friend?
« Reply #5 on: July 19, 2019, 02:05:03 AM »
So un-friending on social media may seem unkind but ot sounds like she os publicly rude quite often.

The method might not be as you might habe wanted bit the result is useful.  Perhaps with practice you can find ways you feel better with.

On the other side of things this sounds like a very toxic relationship.  For both the adults, kids and adults with kid interactions.  All stressed and weird. 

I am glad you ended things.  Had you not your daughter might think she has to continue on with situations like this.  People are being abusive towards her and you showed her to end it,  to end abuse.

What a great example to lead your children with.  Even if not your preferred approach, you acted from a position of strength to end abuse in your child's life as well as your own.  Good deal.

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clara

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Re: What is worse? "Unfriending" or not being a friend?
« Reply #6 on: July 20, 2019, 11:25:20 AM »
 :yeahthat: :yeahthat: :yeahthat:
You need to reclaim your life from this woman, because she has had way too much control over you in the past, and she knows it.  She knows it hurts and embarrasses you when she treats you the way she does.  She knows fully well the reaction she's getting, and she's seeking it out.  It' sad that she's teaching her daughter to be the same, but that's an issue that family has to deal with.  People don't have the right to behave as they please towards others.  They'll try to brainwash you into thinking they do, but they don't.  I think, because most of us are decent people and wouldn't even consider behaving in such a manner, we have a hard time accepting it in others.  We want to think the best of them, becomes sometimes people are just acting out because of some personal issue, but this woman has shown herself over and over.  Who needs that?  So...unfriend those types of people both in social media and in your life.  You don't need them since they add nothing to the conversation.  Put their bad behavior back on them.  Make them own it, for a change.

And no, discussing it with her will accomplish nothing.  Absolutely nothing, since she won't ever accept that what she's doing is wrong.  She's convinced herself you deserve it, in some way.  If anything, it will just make her double down, and you honestly don't owe her an explanation.

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TriedTooHard

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Re: What is worse? "Unfriending" or not being a friend?
« Reply #7 on: July 20, 2019, 12:53:57 PM »
Lets practice a realistic scenario that my occur as a result of this.  You bump into her and she asks why she doesn't have you on FB anymore.   You struggle to respond and don't feel comfortable with the conversation, but in the end, you end up becoming FB friends again.  She and her daughters try to get you and yours back into the fold.  Then the cycle starts all over again.

I recently went through this with a relative of mine, after decades of using me for free babysitting, back stabbing me, acting cheaply towards me, not inviting me to her family functions while bragging about the good times she had at them, and dropping hints to me abut how she disapproves.  After decades of this, I saw one of her FB posts that was just ridiculous with not much room for interpretation.  I had already "un-followed" her but good old FB just had to make sure I still saw some of her stuff!  I couldn't take it any more, and unfriended her. 

I totally understand how you feel.  I still feel embarrassment and remorse for doing it.  But we know why we had to do it.  Its one more situation where the tactics we use to protect ourselves and FOC seem eerily similar to the tactics the uPDs use.  I believe the embarrassment is mis-placed because we think we did it in such a public manner, but in reality, its just a drop in the bucket in FB world.  I believe the remorse is from wondering if we killed any hope of ever having a good relationship with this person.  As an outsider reading your description of how this woman and her family treated you, all I could think was that you needed to get as far away from these people as possible and never look back!


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xredshoesx

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Re: What is worse? "Unfriending" or not being a friend?
« Reply #8 on: July 20, 2019, 01:02:29 PM »
she's mean and her daughter is just like her.  proud of you.  if she asks, tell her the truth.

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TriedTooHard

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Re: What is worse? "Unfriending" or not being a friend?
« Reply #9 on: July 20, 2019, 01:14:02 PM »
 :yeahthat:

Quote
she's mean and her daughter is just like her.  proud of you.  if she asks, tell her the truth.

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: What is worse? "Unfriending" or not being a friend?
« Reply #10 on: July 20, 2019, 02:18:22 PM »
What she’s doing to you and coaching her daughter to do used to be known as “the cut direct.” It’s use was an absolute last resort to fully banish someone from your social sphere. There was no going back from it. In other words, she’s gone for the nuclear option without explanation or intermediate measures. Your “relationship” is over. Your defriending merely reflects the reality she already chose. The only sane response to being cut is to accept it, so good on you.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: What is worse? "Unfriending" or not being a friend?
« Reply #11 on: July 21, 2019, 02:11:16 AM »
I agree - one way or the other, this "friendship" was going to end, with one of you unfriending the other - you just headed her off at the pass.   :yes:

Beware - if she's anything like people I've unfriended IRL, she's probably *not* going to take it well.  Just ignore anything she tries saying or doing (smear campaign, getting others to shun you), and carry on.   8-)

In college, 2 young women I'd been tight with decided they didn't want me around anymore - they didn't say anything, they just started actively avoiding me.   :roll:

Okay - I know this one.  I'm not going to play fawning puppy, so I stayed away from them and got on with things.   :)

Suddenly I'm hearing that these two women can't say enough bad things about me.  I shrugged and said, "They don't want to hang around with me, so I don't know why they won't stop talking about me...anyway..." - and I'd change the subject.   :ninja:

Inside, I was seething, but I wasn't going to give *them* the pleasure of knowing it.  In the circle I hung with, we just didn't talk about them or what they were saying, since I wasn't making a big deal out of it, and *acted like it was no skin off my nose.*  People will gossip - and I don't want to be a part of it.   :no:

Six months later, we all wound up in the same class together  and we had to do a project in teams.  *Both* of them approached me about being on the same team, and I rebuffed them.  Sorry.  I've already got another team.   :ninja:

In other words, I was *done* - but for some reason, they hadn't moved on, because in Their World, THEY do the discarding - not *me.*   :blink:

I knew *that* was probably the only reason they wanted me on the team - so they could discard me at the end of it, after filling me with the false hope of friendship again.

Sorry - not playing that game, either.   :ninja:

If the woman starts making comments to others about you unfriending her, and somebody says something to you, I'd just smile, shake my head, and say, "I don't understand why she's upset, because we were ever actually friends...anyway..." - and change the subject.   :yes:

It'll probably become a non-issue a lot faster than you think.   :thumbup:

 :hug:

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clara

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Re: What is worse? "Unfriending" or not being a friend?
« Reply #12 on: July 22, 2019, 11:16:27 AM »
Looking back, I've experienced this more than once, WomanInterrupted, but had a hard time learning from it.  The "friend" would ditch me for some overblown reason (rather than just let the relationship wither and die, because where's the control and drama in that?!), then later re-approach acting like nothing happened or it was no big deal, only to ditch me again.  It's a total power move and people who use it enjoy that feeling of power, most likely because they feel powerless in other aspects of their lives.  What makes it worse is their expectation that you'll beg for their so-called "friendship."  That's also part of the need for power--they will now either grant you the privilege of friendship, or not.  It's up to them.  Like I said, it took several instances of this dynamic to play in my life before I saw it for what it is.  I had a hard time believing people would actually behave like that. 

And never, ever, do these people return to being an actual friend.  There's really no going back once they pull a stunt like that.  Once you open your eyes, you start to see a different person--the person they really are. 

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StayWithMe

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Re: What is worse? "Unfriending" or not being a friend?
« Reply #13 on: July 22, 2019, 03:44:47 PM »
she's mean and her daughter is just like her.  proud of you.  if she asks, tell her the truth.

Do not give her the valuable package of material that she can work with; repeat to whomever and twist anyway she wants.

If you want to be really cutting, you could give her a wide smile and respond very sweetly to anything that she asks "What are you talking about?" and then change the subject.

Remember in polite society, communication skills are the real Weapons of Mass Destruction.

You may want to be ready with an alternative topic in your mind if should see her first.
« Last Edit: July 22, 2019, 03:46:55 PM by StayWithMe »

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NotFooled

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Re: What is worse? "Unfriending" or not being a friend?
« Reply #14 on: July 25, 2019, 06:25:14 PM »
I don't think you should say anything just quietly unfriend.   I had a couple of people on my social media that I generally just didn't like.  I use to have these people in my home regularly and even had them in my wedding.  But I generally never liked them but was friends with their spouses and did my best to be friends with them over the years even after being treated pretty rudely at times.  Once I came Out of the FOG I realized how toxic these friendships were and I unfriended them on FB.  I still remain friends with their spouses but no longer feel obligated to entertain, buy xmas presents ect.. for them and I didn't feel like I wanted to be friends on social media either because it all felt so fake and phony.