When the narcissist in your life is your own child

Started by PatriciaBateman, July 18, 2019, 05:22:47 PM

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PatriciaBateman

I'm fairly certain my almost 20 year old daughter is a narcissist. I've finally come to terms with the fact that she may never change... this may be who she is, despite the numerous chances we've given her and times we've tried to love and support the narcissism away. Every time I think that's it, I'm done, it's quiet for a while, and I begin to regain some equilibrium in my life... and then inevitably she comes crashing back into our world with an even bigger dramatic event occurring in her life and a need for our help.

She's been living in Arizona with her (mentally ill) boyfriend who was recently discharged from the Navy for threatening suicide. She moved down there despite our advice that it was a very bad idea. They're living with his mother and aunt, as well as his teen brother. Both are unemployed, living in a tiny town with zero job prospects. She never stays at a job for very long anyway, and she usually ghosts her employers when she's decided she just can't possibly bear going into her job another day. I can think of five different occasions in which she has ended her employment in this manner. I frequently receive text messages from her throughout the day, complaining about her boyfriend, her living situation, the climate in Arizona (she was born and raised in Seattle), and whatever health malady du jour she's decided she has. She's always been a hypochondriac. Never a good morning, how are you? How are things at home? It's always straight into her complaints about her relationship, health, and shitty life circumstances, and what she needs from us.

A month or so ago, she texted me telling me she had made a terrible mistake moving down there, her relationship was a disaster and she should've listened to her dad and me. We were resolved to let her figure out her own issues and live with the repercussions of her life choices, so I didn't bite. So she upped the ante. He has a gun and I'm being abused. So of course that got our attention. I'm scared to death of him Mom. If he thinks I want out, I'm pretty sure he's going to shoot me and then himself. So, naturally we were very alarmed, and we bought her a plane ticket back to Seattle for later that day.

And then the very next day, she started hedging. Well, we haven't officially broken up yet. I still love him. I just needed time to think. No, we told her. That's not what you told us. You didn't say you wanted a break from him so you could think, you told us you were afraid for your life. If you go back to him, you will no longer have our support. So I'll no longer have parents? she asked us incredulously. You'll have parents, but there will not be another rescue mission.

A few days later, he called her and broke things off. We were elated. Maybe this will bring the clarity that she needs to move on and get her act together. She was on his phone plan, and he asked her to immediately send back the phone. We complied. I asked her what her plans for moving forward were. She explained how she needed a phone to be able to apply for work. I needed an upgraded phone for myself, and AT&T was having a BOGO iPhone sale. She promised once she had a job she would pay me back for what I spent to add a line to my plan, as well as the taxes I had to pay on both phones at the time of purchase. I told her she needed to block him and the rest of his family, and move on for good. She agreed.

She applied for a job on the Oregon coast, and was hired starting July 13th. Things were really looking up. Last Saturday, my husband drove her to Oregon, dropped her off at her new place of employment (who was also providing room and board and all meals) and headed back home. In all, approximately 10 hours of driving. No thank you for driving me Dad. As soon as she arrived, she began texting me telling me she hated everyone else working there, they were all mean to her, she wasn't going to be happy there. Can Dad come pick me up? I want to leave. Absolutely not, you need to give it a chance, and frankly, you are out of options. We explained that we were doing her a favor by not taking her back home, as she needed to learn about fulfilling one's adult responsibilities.

The next morning at 6:00 AM, I was awakened to a text message from her, telling me how the ex had reached out to her the previous evening after weeks of no contact (interesting timing), and they decided to reconcile. He bought her a plane ticket, and she was at the Portland airport waiting for her flight back to Arizona. She abandoned the bedding that she was required to bring, which my elderly mother bought for her just before she left for Oregon, to the tune of $250, and ghosted the people who had just agreed to hire her. I reminded her that I trusted her when I put her on my phone plan and that we were out quite a bit of money as a result. If I take her off the plan, I'll have to pay $700 for the brand new phone. If I leave her on, I get to pay $85 a month until December of 2021 when the phone is paid off. I reminded her we spent a lot of money getting her here when she said she was afraid for her life. I reminded her that her dad spent the entire day before driving to Oregon and back. She said "I did what made me happy". At the expense of her family, I reminded her.

I checked phone records yesterday, and sure enough, she had been texting / talking to him the entire time. She never intended on staying at that job in Oregon. She hatched an elaborate exit strategy so that she didn't have to face us and tell us in person that she was going back to him. I reminded her how terrified she said she was. Oh, he got rid of the gun and he's changed. Then when I continued to press her, her tone changed and she became hostile and aggressive. She tried insinuating that she had been abused by me growing up. She's tried this in the past as well, even reporting to her high school that she was being abused, and because they are mandatory reporters, I was investigated by CPS. This was because I tried to take her phone away from her when she was not abiding by house rules. Luckily, her teachers and CPS all agreed that she was making it up. CPS dismissed the allegations. I warned her that while she was typing these words to me on a phone that was in my name and that I was paying for, maybe she should think carefully about what she says to me. Maybe I will screenshot some choice text conversations and send them to the boyfriend about how miserable and bored you were in your relationship and see what he has to say. That quieted her down.

So here we are. I think I need to be done. She has always been a pathological liar, since she learned to speak. We have always tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and time and time again, taken her back in and given her what she needs, hoping that this will be the time that she appreciates us and realizes that we aren't shitty parents. This will be the event that resonates with her, and maybe she can begin maturing and taking care of her responsibilities and treating others with respect and kindness. We've now given up on that hope.

I've muted her on my phone. She's not blocked, but I won't get notifications from her if she calls or texts. She blocked me on all of her social media accounts, which I'm not terribly upset about. My husband plans on telling her today that we are shutting the phone off in three weeks. We will eat the $700. I will consider it tax on trusting someone who should have never been trusted. I will never make that mistake again.

I hate that it's come to this, but this is the reality. I would rather have no relationship with her at all than the relationship we've had for the past several years. I need peace in my life again, and she only brings chaos. I will always love her, but I think it's time to let her go. Thanks for reading.

Frankie14

#1
We are going thru nearly identical same situation.

Won't work, lies constantly, dropped out of college, (was kicked out after spring semester due to failing grades). 

Is living in a friend's grandmothers apartment in a large city (1 hour from our home).

She's been home from college for 3 months and we gave her 3 weeks to get a job or cut her phone and now it's at 3 months and today still no job, not even part time.

We had relative quiet for a month; then she started texting me non stop today, as I drove in torrential storm and I almost crashed my car - getting text after text after text from her demanding money.

I said no, we gave you the last we are giving you last week. We set that deadline. So she called me the c word (yup the c word).  I sent the screen shots to my H.

And my husband text her and said you cannot speak to your mother like that; and she said she has been a toxic and terrible mother my entire life. It takes more than "having a baby to be a mother, and she's going to call my elderly parents for money and to tell them what a worthless mother I have been all her life, and how I terrorized and abused her)."

Never happened. No record of abuse - not even a spanking - she had a normal typical childhood  - as her younger two siblings have.

And then called me the C word again to my H and my H blocked her - then cut her phone.

She's 22 and we are done.

I'm done.

I hope you get there too.

I will always love her. But I'm done.  The hell we have been thru with 20 years of therapists, her adhd and meds, school drama, and she has been kicked out of camps, schools, been in nonstop trouble, refused to work, yelling and screaming in our house scaring my two younger sons.

Done.

PatriciaBateman

#2
Thank you for your reply and kind words. I hate that you are going through this as well but it's nice to not feel so alone. I've never felt so broken.

notrightinthehead

Patricia have you read the book 'Boundaries with kids' by Townsend and Cloud?  It comes from a christian perspective. You might find a lot of good advice in it and it might help you to strengthen your resolve if you are tempted to give in once again. There is another book you might find helpful, 'I don't have to make everything all better' by Lundberg.
Also read the TOOLBOX, what to do and what not to do whenever you are in doubt. It has helped me so much.
I am sorry that you are in this situation but you have found a good place for information and support.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

LemonLime

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this as a mom.   It has to be heartbreaking.   I know that my mom feels like she has lost a daughter, in that my sister has raged and me and my mom in such a terrible way this year.    My sister is a more subtle PD, in that she is highly functional and quite a responsible person.   But it has really confounded and distressed our family, the way she blames us for everything.    Some of these PD's are born, not created.  There is a genetic component in my sib's case.  I'm totally convinced of that.   Our family is not dysfunctional (at least in any major way).   We are loving, nonabusive people.  My sister was not abused, physically or emotionally.  But she is convinced she was emotionally abused by us.    Her/my  aunt is the same way.   Now elderly and still complaining about how her mom abused her by making her fix dinner while her Dad was away at war.   Sad.   

looloo

I don't have kids, but I am so sorry for what you're going through.  Hoping you can also do whatever is necessary, be it very limited contact or no contact) knowing that it is the healthy and sane thing to do.
"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you."  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

PatriciaBateman

Quote from: notrightinthehead on July 19, 2019, 05:25:11 AM
Patricia have you read the book 'Boundaries with kids' by Townsend and Cloud?  It comes from a christian perspective. You might find a lot of good advice in it and it might help you to strengthen your resolve if you are tempted to give in once again. There is another book you might find helpful, 'I don't have to make everything all better' by Lundberg.
Also read the TOOLBOX, what to do and what not to do whenever you are in doubt. It has helped me so much.
I am sorry that you are in this situation but you have found a good place for information and support.

Thank you for the reading suggestions.  I have been studying toolbox, and I did order a book that someone on here recommended... something about when our adult children disappoint us.  I got it for free on Amazon Prime day lol.  I will look into these as well. 
Quote from: Kat1984 on July 19, 2019, 08:58:23 AM
I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this as a mom.   It has to be heartbreaking.   I know that my mom feels like she has lost a daughter, in that my sister has raged and me and my mom in such a terrible way this year.    My sister is a more subtle PD, in that she is highly functional and quite a responsible person.   But it has really confounded and distressed our family, the way she blames us for everything.    Some of these PD's are born, not created.  There is a genetic component in my sib's case.  I'm totally convinced of that.   Our family is not dysfunctional (at least in any major way).   We are loving, nonabusive people.  My sister was not abused, physically or emotionally.  But she is convinced she was emotionally abused by us.    Her/my  aunt is the same way.   Now elderly and still complaining about how her mom abused her by making her fix dinner while her Dad was away at war.   Sad.   

Thank you for your words.  I have remarked over the past few years that maybe my daughter was switched at birth, because I can't believe she shares my DNA.  We are a loving couple and raised her in a functional, healthy, loving home.  I don't know what went wrong with her. 
Quote from: looloo on July 19, 2019, 09:09:40 AM
I don't have kids, but I am so sorry for what you're going through.  Hoping you can also do whatever is necessary, be it very limited contact or no contact) knowing that it is the healthy and sane thing to do.

Thank you.  I actually blocked her phone number today.  She'll only  have this phone for 3 weeks anyway, and if she needs to, she can reach out to my husband.  I have nothing left to say to her. 

Brooke

This is my daughter to a T. We are distant and she's closer with my husband, but not by much. She pulls the exact same types of stunts.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think blocking her was the right thing to do.

Brooke

Quote from: Brooke on July 23, 2019, 09:03:16 PM
This is my daughter to a T. We are distant and she's closer with my husband, but not by much. She pulls the exact same types of stunts.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think blocking her was the right thing to do.

Ugh, meant to say niece, but she's like a daughter to me and she does call me mom. Her mother is uNPD.

PeanutButter

Quote from: PatriciaBateman on July 18, 2019, 05:22:47 PM
We have always tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and time and time again, taken her back in and given her what she needs, hoping that this will be the time that she appreciates us and realizes that we aren't shitty parents. This will be the event that resonates with her, and maybe she can begin maturing and taking care of her responsibilities and treating others with respect and kindness.
Patricia this is what kept me stuck for years and years. I beleived my love, loyalty, and trustworthiness could be proven. Eventually. How they could not see it was very confusing and painful. I now know that because of the uNPD/BPD it was projections, deflections, and denial causing the unfounded accusations always the basis of arguments and disconnecting.
It was so hard to accept this limitation the PD caused in my family member. Accepting it for me meant no contact, but once I did accept it; then I could start to heal.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

PatriciaBateman


[/quote]
Quote from: Brooke on July 23, 2019, 09:03:16 PM
This is my daughter to a T. We are distant and she's closer with my husband, but not by much. She pulls the exact same types of stunts.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think blocking her was the right thing to do.

It's nice to know that we're not alone and that others have experienced what we have... but it really sucks that this is a thing.  I used to feel so jealous of parents of her friends starting in middle school and high school, wondering why she just seemed so completely different than her girlfriends, and what were we doing wrong?  They all went off to UW, USC, and Stanford.  Mine went insane.  :(

Quote from: PeanutButter on July 25, 2019, 10:43:54 AM
Quote from: PatriciaBateman on July 18, 2019, 05:22:47 PM
We have always tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and time and time again, taken her back in and given her what she needs, hoping that this will be the time that she appreciates us and realizes that we aren't shitty parents. This will be the event that resonates with her, and maybe she can begin maturing and taking care of her responsibilities and treating others with respect and kindness.
Patricia this is what kept me stuck for years and years. I beleived my love, loyalty, and trustworthiness could be proven. Eventually. How they could not see it was very confusing and painful. I now know that because of the uNPD/BPD it was projections, deflections, and denial causing the unfounded accusations always the basis of arguments and disconnecting.
It was so hard to accept this limitation the PD caused in my family member. Accepting it for me meant no contact, but once I did accept it; then I could start to heal.

We are officially no contact now.  Shortly after my initial post, I decided that I would block her on my phone.  The reason being, if she were to text me, I know I wouldn't be strong enough to not answer her.  Now the phone is suspended and I've noticed she's no longer using it as of a few days ago.  So we don't even have a phone number for her.  We may never hear from her again. 

PeanutButter

Quote from: PatriciaBateman on July 26, 2019, 01:43:59 PM
We are officially no contact now. ...... We may never hear from her again.
Patricia I am so sorry. I hear your pain. I hope you dont mind if I share my thoughts.
I think its possible that you will hear from her again.
IMO you can concentrate on taking care of yourself with compassion right now so that you can be stonger, healthier, and maybe able to do VLC or LC in the future when she calls. Its all up to you.
IMO Your NC can be temporary to give you a break from the emotional pain.
IME the important thing is that you are seeing her patterns of behaviors and practicing self awareness so you can decide how you will or will not react.
That was an important boundary you enforced by cancling the phone. IMO that might have surprised her.
Take care for now. Come back often. I do.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

PatriciaBateman

Quote from: PeanutButter on July 26, 2019, 02:40:49 PM
Quote from: PatriciaBateman on July 26, 2019, 01:43:59 PM
We are officially no contact now. ...... We may never hear from her again.
Patricia I am so sorry. I hear your pain. I hope you dont mind if I share my thoughts.
I think its possible that you will hear from her again.
IMO you can concentrate on taking care of yourself with compassion right now so that you can be stonger, healthier, and maybe able to do VLC or LC in the future when she calls. Its all up to you.
IMO Your NC can be temporary to give you a break from the emotional pain.
IME the important thing is that you are seeing her patterns of behaviors and practicing self awareness so you can decide how you will or will not react.
That was an important boundary you enforced by cancling the phone. IMO that might have surprised her.
Take care for now. Come back often. I do.

Thank you for this.  I am working hard on being kind to myself and trying to find a way through this darkness to hopefully some light on the other side.  It's so painful.  <3

PeanutButter

Quote from: PatriciaBateman on July 26, 2019, 03:37:53 PM
Quote from: PeanutButter on July 26, 2019, 02:40:49 PM
Quote from: PatriciaBateman on July 26, 2019, 01:43:59 PM
We are officially no contact now. ...... We may never hear from her again.
Patricia I am so sorry. I hear your pain. I hope you dont mind if I share my thoughts.
I think its possible that you will hear from her again.
IMO you can concentrate on taking care of yourself with compassion right now so that you can be stonger, healthier, and maybe able to do VLC or LC in the future when she calls. Its all up to you.
IMO Your NC can be temporary to give you a break from the emotional pain.
IME the important thing is that you are seeing her patterns of behaviors and practicing self awareness so you can decide how you will or will not react.
That was an important boundary you enforced by cancling the phone. IMO that might have surprised her.
Take care for now. Come back often. I do.

Thank you for this.  I am working hard on being kind to myself and trying to find a way through this darkness to hopefully some light on the other side.  It's so painful.  <3
Your welcome. I think that is so important to give yourself love, compassion, and even forgiveness. Before, I didnt realize I needed to forgive myself. After I started really trying to dig down deep to the origin of my core wounds, I found that I did need to forgive myself. Its not that I had done some terrible thing but that starting in my foo and through each of my relationships over the years, I had held myself solely responsible for all the failures. I also held myself responsible for things I had no control over ie other peoples feelings. It was very freeing to let it go.
I still make mistakes. I unintentionally hurt or am hurt or 'triggered' in my current relationships. I think Bloomie told me she tries not to take things personally. That has helped me alot.
There is light on the other side but the only way to get to it is to go through the grief. I wish we could skip that step. There was a time that I had nightmares of reliving the loss every single night. I thought it was a permanent state of mind. It was very hard.
Im glad you are here for support because this is a very significant loss you are dealing with. Hugs.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

Brooke

I'm so sorry Patricia. You truly had no other choice. Be kind to yourself right now.

BigBird

Thanks for sharing Patricia,
My wife and I are in the same boat and we also are trying to figure things out. I hope you don't mind if I try to ask
Francis29 who commented that she also has a child with NPD  a question.
Today my wife finally snapped at the behavior of our NPD 32yr child to the point that it sounds like you finally got to before you pulled the plug.
My wife is an absolute angel who has been dragged down to hell by her NPD child (our NPD child) I realized a couple of years ago what my wife is finally realizing now.  She has been a very abused victim of our NPD adult child and as much as she wants to be a part of this NPD's life, she is now realizing that the health problems that she is suffering these last 3 or so years are due to her trying so much to help our NPD child.  Depression was never part of my wife's life until recent years and it has effected her terribly not only with the depression but also added much more to her health problems.  All my wife wants to do is love and support our NPD child but it's very obvious now that our NPD only cares about themselves and knows all the right buttons to manipulating mom to get what she needs.  She went just too far this time and mom realizes NPD will not change.
Like I'm sure most mothers are with their children, you and my wife would do anything for their child.  But there comes a time where you will have to make the decision to allow a NPD to drive your health down to the point of putting you in the hospital or cut them off realizing that you are being used with no concept of love from the NPD.
I know it's going to be very hard emotionally on my wife due to the motherly instincts and I just wanted to ask how do you make it through the process?
Myself, I finally got to the point where my wife is today about two years ago.  I love my child but after studying NPD I realize you can't expect NPD's to live as normal people without this disorder live, think or act.  It's a travesty but it's something you've got to try to wrap your head around and realize they can't think nor do they have the ability to think and feel like others regardless of the way you try helping them.
I'm a newby to this forum and still trying to figure out what we as parents can and need to do with NPD child.  It's very tough.  I appreciate you and others as we try helping each other.  Some of you have much more experience and knowledge and I thank you for helping those like me. And Patricia here, good like Patricia, you're not alone.

hhaw

https://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/courses/courseoverview.cgi?cid=868

The course From Codependent to Independent is offered through the website DailyOM.  I believe there's a sliding scale for costs, and you can move through the course at your own pace. 

I think anyone taking this course would get a lot out of it, IME.

Codependency isn't just for parents and loved ones of addicts.  It's for everyone who has trouble with boundaries, doing too much, and wearing themselves think doing for others.  It's about learning how to gain emotional distance, forgive yourself, and shift into observation mode so you have more to give from a position of strength and rejuvination. 

It's about learning how to take care of ourselves, and live a life full of meaning, and joy, no matter what's going on around us.

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

Frankie14

Quote from: BigBird on September 16, 2019, 12:51:45 AM
Thanks for sharing Patricia,
My wife and I are in the same boat and we also are trying to figure things out. I hope you don't mind if I try to ask
Francis29 who commented that she also has a child with NPD  a question.
Today my wife finally snapped at the behavior of our NPD 32yr child to the point that it sounds like you finally got to before you pulled the plug.
My wife is an absolute angel who has been dragged down to hell by her NPD child (our NPD child) I realized a couple of years ago what my wife is finally realizing now.  She has been a very abused victim of our NPD adult child and as much as she wants to be a part of this NPD's life, she is now realizing that the health problems that she is suffering these last 3 or so years are due to her trying so much to help our NPD child.  Depression was never part of my wife's life until recent years and it has effected her terribly not only with the depression but also added much more to her health problems.  All my wife wants to do is love and support our NPD child but it's very obvious now that our NPD only cares about themselves and knows all the right buttons to manipulating mom to get what she needs.  She went just too far this time and mom realizes NPD will not change.
Like I'm sure most mothers are with their children, you and my wife would do anything for their child.  But there comes a time where you will have to make the decision to allow a NPD to drive your health down to the point of putting you in the hospital or cut them off realizing that you are being used with no concept of love from the NPD.
I know it's going to be very hard emotionally on my wife due to the motherly instincts and I just wanted to ask how do you make it through the process?
Myself, I finally got to the point where my wife is today about two years ago.  I love my child but after studying NPD I realize you can't expect NPD's to live as normal people without this disorder live, think or act.  It's a travesty but it's something you've got to try to wrap your head around and realize they can't think nor do they have the ability to think and feel like others regardless of the way you try helping them.
I'm a newby to this forum and still trying to figure out what we as parents can and need to do with NPD child.  It's very tough.  I appreciate you and others as we try helping each other.  Some of you have much more experience and knowledge and I thank you for helping those like me. And Patricia here, good like Patricia, you're not alone.

Big Bird...

It's been a hellacious summer = hellacious with our DC...name calling, harassing for money, wouldn't work, full stop work refusal, demanding we pay for her cell phone, medical bills, medical insurance, she's also a hypochondriac so spends a lot of time going to doctors (nothing ever wrong but the bipolar and the NPD)..

We ended up turning her phone back on out of the G in FOG...Guilt...what if she needed to get ahold of us...so we turned it back on...

A few things I have done...I block her # at night from 10 pm to 6 am when I get up; I cannot have her disturbing my sleep, WILL NOT...

We are paying for her 5th and final year of college and hoping to see some maturity this year, her pediatrician (we still see for our two little ones) said there 'won't be a light at the end of the tunnel until closer to THIRTY FIVE YEARS OLD)...I said ...WHATTTTT....She said at 35 the former ADHD child, turned bipolar adults = don't really mature until 35 but they are seeing some change for the better around 26-27...so a few more years for us, if that's even true..

At 32 your DC .. is unlikely to change..set boundaries for yourself in your dealings with her, if she is rude, hang up, if she is abusive on text, block her for a week...if she is asking for money, pay for the items if you wish don't hand her cash money dollars...

If you want to know how we mentally stay strong though our children are not the happy well adjusted adults we desired both for them and for us; that's never solved...Daily I wish DD was different...but its not the case, daily I see FB posts with happy well adjusted young adults, who I know for a fact don't call their mothers C word and toxic b*itch..etc...its painful, it always will be, but you just keep keeping on...

I have a lot of PD's in my life...I am on a lot of boards here; but this one is the most painful..this board is a special hell, not to play pain Olympics on the entire forum of course, but PD siblings, eh a nuisance, PD drunk in law's, eh...but when its your child, its daily, its constant and you never stop wondering what you do to cause it...even tho we know the 3 C's, we didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it...

Your wife needs to focus on her health, her mental stability, hobbies, her job...your marriage..if you have other children...Compartmentalize the 32 year old...and focus on your own happiness..

It's very very difficult...but you can keep up boundaries for civility while you mourn for what you won't have with this particular child of yours..

BigBird

Thank You Fransis29
Nearly a month later I'm reading your comments.
After some counseling and answers to prayer we made that move to cut off finances in hopes D will open her eyes and get a job and start her independence.  Also my wife has shut her phone off to D.  I'm going to let my wife read your comments to help her see that we are not alone.  That she is not alone.  She knows others are suffering the same kinds of things but it's quite revealing for me to note that you seem to be experiencing the same thing my wife has been going through.  I sincerely am sorry because I know how hard that is on a mother by watching my wife.
Thanks again