Dealing with PD friends from the internet?

[Phoenix Rising]

Hi everyone

I was hoping for some guidance on another PD relationship I have. I am at a point where I have identified what in me makes me seek out certain people and have decided to end or lessen my contact with the PD in my life. I have an ex-uNPD/APD on and off for the last four years. Did not know he was PD, missed out on A LOT of red flags back then. Initially he was prince charming, very "reachable" then he began gaslighting me, sabotaging, discarded repeatedly. Tried to stay friends but I am not happy with the relationship. Very one-sided, boring, always feeling like I am chasing breadcrumbs of "friendship". I find myself asking if I am losing it or being unreasonable and I'm often confused by his actions/behaviours towards me. When he makes contact after I have gone NC, I feel triggered all over again and don't know that to do. I've experienced a lot of unwanted, intrusive thoughts. Same thing occurs when I see him on social media sites. We end up talking again and the whole cycle repeats itself.

A challenge in the past has been that even if I block him on social media, he finds another way to reach out. The frequency in which he reaches out is also unpredictable. It has ranged anywhere from a full year to a week. The last two times we have made contact, I tried adapting to his PD self... managing expectations, changing what I do, etc, but it's just not working for me. I am not at fault for his PD and whenever I am engaged with him, I am left feeling all kinds of negative things. I'm also married now and ex-uNPD's behaviour has become really volatile/cyber-stalkerish since learning about the marriage. I don't want to let myself get sucked in any more, at any point in the future. 

We have a lot of mutual friends and interests which makes things difficult but I'm really open to anything that will work.  Any there strategies either overtly or covertly in ending the relationship for good? Thank you

[SerenityCat]

I've been in versions of your situation.

I'm glad that you are telling yourself the truth about just how bad this is. I know how crazy making it can be.  We can end up triggered, in denial, thinking we are stupid and to blame.

ex-uNPD's behaviour has become really volatile/cyber-stalkerish since learning about the marriage

I'd have to cut this person off. Completely. No more responding, nothing. No discussion, no excuses, no more giving him any information at all.

I'd probably go through withdrawal of sorts. Just like in any intermittently bad relationship. But I'd have to hold firm.

I'd block him completely everywhere. I'd stay out of any chat rooms etc. where he also hangs out.

I'd do everything I could to disappear.

It has helped me to delete apps,, messenger programs, all images that remind me of the relationship, and to even change how my wallpaper and browser etc looks. This is just like house cleaning.

You can cut him off completely, forever. Refocus yourself on what is healthy currently in your life.

If he manages to contact you, block that avenue, report anything that is negative. He might tell you that he is suicidal, whatever. Report that and block him.

You may go through some withdrawal too because of perhaps needing to take a break from mutual online friends and interests. But this will be worth it.

I compare online social spaces to coffee houses or pubs. Sometimes we have to stay clear of not only an individual or group online, we can't even go to that pub again.

"cyber-stalkerish" truly equals cyber-stalker. No "ish".  You may try to convince yourself that this isn't "that bad". But it is. 

[Phoenix Rising]

I've been in versions of your situation.

I'm glad that you are telling yourself the truth about just how bad this is. I know how crazy making it can be.  We can end up triggered, in denial, thinking we are stupid and to blame.

ex-uNPD's behaviour has become really volatile/cyber-stalkerish since learning about the marriage

I'd have to cut this person off. Completely. No more responding, nothing. No discussion, no excuses, no more giving him any information at all.

I'd probably go through withdrawal of sorts. Just like in any intermittently bad relationship. But I'd have to hold firm.

I'd block him completely everywhere. I'd stay out of any chat rooms etc. where he also hangs out.

I'd do everything I could to disappear.

It has helped me to delete apps,, messenger programs, all images that remind me of the relationship, and to even change how my wallpaper and browser etc looks. This is just like house cleaning.

You can cut him off completely, forever. Refocus yourself on what is healthy currently in your life.

If he manages to contact you, block that avenue, report anything that is negative. He might tell you that he is suicidal, whatever. Report that and block him.

You may go through some withdrawal too because of perhaps needing to take a break from mutual online friends and interests. But this will be worth it.

I compare online social spaces to coffee houses or pubs. Sometimes we have to stay clear of not only an individual or group online, we can't even go to that pub again.

"cyber-stalkerish" truly equals cyber-stalker. No "ish".  You may try to convince yourself that this isn't "that bad". But it is. 

Thanks SerenityCat - it feels good to have someone identify with what's happening here and validate that. You make a lot of wonderful points and I am so appreciative. Everything is just in my head I guess.. thankfully he isn't the suicidal threatening type, that I know of, prefer NOT to find out. I think I am in a position to be rid of him for good as my husband and I haven't been frequenting any friends or places that are linked with exNPD. We are not in the same country anymore either so that really helps in the moment! Maybe both a good and bad thing but I've actually isolated myself online - completely deleted all old social media accounts and used one type for interacting in special interest groups. I've been working a lot on myself and I'm still figuring out who to re-add if anybody yet.

I guess I need to make a choice if I can even have those friends anymore too because the past has shown me that even just getting a message from him derails months or a year of progress. I definitely have not provided him with any information, I didn't think it was his business and he didn't care at the time it came out. Basically he never knew but during one of his tantrums last month, I told him I couldn't come to something he wanted me to come to because of the wedding. Then my surname changed some time after and I assume he saw that then send a barrage of messages wanting to know who I was married to and where I was living. 

I agree cyber-stalker/ing is just that. Cyberstalking. I think my own experiences, not having abuse taken seriously by authorities may have influenced my previous post a bit. Sorry about that. What I meant to say perhaps more clearly is that it is one of those behaviours that can't be proved and not actionable but just too coincidental to be shrugged off. E.g. Facebook and friend suggestions - when you have no added friends of any kind on the account, haven't linked a phone number, using different IP and device, etc yet the NPD comes up out of the blue. 

Thank you again for your supportive answer. I have a few days of NC under my belt now and starting to feel more confident about maintaining it. I think my mobile and desktop wallpaper could use a change too. Might do some good

Haha, I like the idea of purging the

[SerenityCat]

I'm so sorry that authorities haven't been taking this seriously. Various social media sites aren't yet up to speed with how to moderate and stop stalking. Some law enforcement has no clue. Many folks don't understand that online interactions can be as disturbing as offline, sometimes even more so.

I guess I need to make a choice if I can even have those friends anymore too because the past has shown me that even just getting a message from him derails months or a year of progress.

My suggestion then is to let go of them too. Your health and safety come first.

If you aren't doing so already, it might help to read up on cyber-stalking, domestic violence, personality disorders and anything else relevant. That helped me a lot. I've also been reading about online trolls. Much of this maybe did not entirely fit my situations, but I always found things that applied.

In a recent case, I left one platform to get away from an abusive person. After about three months I tried connecting with mutual online friends on another platform. This did not work. I found myself getting anxious again. So I needed to let it all go.

I was really uncomfortable for awhile but all is easing up now. I'm no longer ruminating so much. I know I cannot engage again. For me it would be like trying just a little bit of a drug I was addicted to, that sometimes was fun but eventually was awful.