Self-doubt and self-blame

[Phoenix Rising]

Hi everyone

I was hoping to receive some insight on any experiences with doubting/blaming one-self after being abused by individuals with PD. I am at the point of significant awareness and clarity: who has abused me, how they abused me and the steps I want to take to limit or end contact. It's a lot to take in. This process is coming with a lot of pain as I am remembering a lot of trauma that I must have blocked out. Then I blame myself, most likely, because that is what I have been conditioned to believe for at least 20+ years. From parents, family members, friends, police, counsellors, courts.. people and places of safety or trust.

Today, I am really struggling with doubting myself. I find that it takes long to formulate responses with others on and off the net. I'm spending a lot of time making sure I am not sounding mean or dramatic or making things about me. I'm recognizing that I haven't had many experiences with validation of the abuse or feelings coming from it, however, when I channel it by sharing, I start picking apart what I say. Labelling it as dramatic or uninteresting. Other times, I doubt if anything I've experienced is real or whether I should feel anything I feel or not.

What has helped you affirm your lived experience or move forward from self-blame/doubt to a healthier place?

[11JB68]

It comes with the territory. Journal, of you've kept a journal, re read it to remind yourself of things that happened. Use the toolbox. Talk with an understanding friend.

[Phoenix Rising]

It comes with the territory. Journal, of you've kept a journal, re read it to remind yourself of things that happened. Use the toolbox. Talk with an understanding friend.

Thanks so much, I really appreciate your reply and for sharing this with me. I started a journal a few days ago to make note of what I am remembering, feelings, etc,. I am finding so far that it is really helpful in that regard. It provides little validation, which may be another piece of the puzzle. I love my circle of friends but looking for a safer alternative before I try again. I'll figure it out... I guess I am looking for a "me too", a space where people don't downplay abuse and my friends cant share what they haven't experienced or understand. I'll give the forums here some more time too

About the Toolbox here, I can see there are pages (What it feels like, what to do, not to do etc) but there doesn't appear to be more than brief explanations of words/acronyms. Is there more to it that I am not seeing on my phone or computer?

Thank you again for your ideas. 

[11JB68]

Re toolbox, if you click On the yellow heading/term, it gives you more detail.
Journaling-I have found it helps me to put things in perspective. Not just current incidents, but like you said, writing down memories of things that happened in the past helps me feel like I'm not crazy.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Shopsuey,

I'll share a bit of what I have learned about self doubt and self blame.

I also agree with the posts and advice so far too. Journaling really helps me.

Self blame is something that is hard for your friends to understand unless they happen to have gone through the process you are going through. Do you have access to counselling of any sort? A counsellor can be a person you get to vent to and they can respond with compassion for you when you talk to them about the things you blame yourself for.

It takes a lot of courage to look at our past . Consider that. You're reaching for a better way for yourself.

Try complimenting yourself for 2 things you did this week that were hard but you did them anyway. Notice how it feels when you try to feel proud of yourself.

This is what good therapy does too but we can also do it ourselves. I myself really struggle to feel proud of myself so I'm speaking from experiemce and know that when I try to compliment my self, I tend to quickly think of 10 ways I could have done more!

It's actually hard to feel proud. Even having self doubt is something you can compliment yourself on. You can say hey self, thank you for wanting to consider different options, for not rushing, for using this self doubt stuff to make me pause and journal again. Thanks Self for this. I'm gonna outgrow some of the self doubt but for now I see it as something I do and that's ok.

I think that over time, our self doubt lessens as we find ways to grieve what we lost. The more that I gave myself permission to grieve what I lost, the easier it was to recognize my hesitancy or self doubt as part of a process. An unfolding if you will. Where each day a bit more of yourself unfolds because you are unfreezing your self.  after being around the abuse.

If you have some good friends in your life, my advice would be to imagine that after getting away from abusers, we are like caterpillars who go into a cocoon before becoming a butterfly. Good friends can appreciate that a part of you is renewing, growing and becoming more free. You're going through a very important process with yourself.

[Wilderhearts]

Today, I am really struggling with doubting myself. I find that it takes long to formulate responses with others on and off the net. I'm spending a lot of time making sure I am not sounding mean or dramatic or making things about me.

I just wanted to affirm that if you want to make your posts 100% about you, or a bit dramatic or mean (within Out of the FOG's expectations for respect, of course) you can.

Sometimes my posts on here are for myself.  Sometimes other people's responses to original posters are 100% about their own experiences that are relevant to the original post.  Sometimes I hear my bitterness and resentment creeping out in my posts...but I remind myself resentment is a known symptom of surviving PD abuse. 

What pwPDs put us through is dramatic.  And sometimes the feelings we feel and thoughts we think are straight up mean.  Maybe this is a safe place to learn to express those sentiments respectfully, without fear of repercussion.  I for one sure won't judge.

I wonder if there's an underlying message you've been taught that you've taken into yourself, like "If I make myself the focus of anything, I'm selfish, self-centred, and bad."  I've had to learn to recognize and name the "groundwork" the trauma taught me in order to start overcoming it.

[11JB68]

I agree with wilder hearts.
And I'll add to that, sometimes someone here will share something and it's like - wow, yes! A light bulb goes off and it's really helpful for others to read, and starts a great conversation.
Also I'm finding that by interacting here, I'm less inclined to 'spill'/vent elsewhere, which helps me with boundaries, and I'm sure is a relief to my dear friends, who are good listeners but probably were getting a little tired of hearing about it

[me01t]

I have also really struggled with this recently. When I left the abusive situation it was by a group and i still don't know for sure who was the root cause of it which really compounded the doubt for me. I suspect it could be possible that some of the self doubt (including worrying whether you are being dramatic and worrying what you say) is a side effect of the abuse and possible gaslighting that occurred and you likely are not being either of those things. For me, It is still work in progress, Some days are good, Some days it fills my head more and the doubt still creeps in. What has worked for me is going through this down the middle and I can assure you with the right 'work' by which i mean reading, Talking to the right people, Healing etc in time this will fade. I look at my past and I consider that up until this occurred I have very little history of even having conflict with anyone and the year of this abuse was like a intense show of boundary crossing, Chaos, Drama and aggression and all the blame was put on my shoulders by everyone. Logically it doesn't make sense that this can be all me you don't go through decades of none of that and suddenly acquire it, Or at least that would be highly unlikely. It helped me to speak to older friends who assured me it wasn't me.

I think there is a big point to make though in that, You can't talk to anyone about this who hasn't experienced it and expect them to understand. This is one of the most painful things about what has happened because you have to go a certain amount alone. I also think the fact that you are self aware enough to even be asking these questions means you should go easy on yourself with the blame for a while. I am now very cautious as to how i word things about what happened to anyone (even family) because I learnt that I cannot expect them to understand, For a while that felt excruciatingly lonely at the time I most needed support but on the other side I have learnt compassion that they are fortunate not to have had to experience this and it is just what it is. My head was full of tonnes of questions and I was in such a hyper vigilant/adrenalised state nobody can think clearly at that time- writing (I was told as soon as one wakes up) can be incredibly helpful. I more struggle now with a bit of self blame that i somehow pushed away people when the abuse was so hard and what did i do that made people believe the smear campaign, That said it also is what it is and as time has gone on I have realised I do have values and I have never treated anyone badly and you can't be responsible for the way another person thinks.

The one thing i will end with though is that when the time is right I have started to find it useful to introspect about things in my past. For example, I think it is an important part in avoiding the victim mentality to think about the things that one can control. For me, I think I need stronger boundaries and I think not having these have played a role in enabling the abuse. I also think I could have put a stop to things sooner if I had been more self aware about how things that happen in ones childhood/being in scapegoat positions can attract predatory people. Sometimes I get frustrated in how much I reacted and tried to justify things and I do feel this exacerbated the situation. However, We do the best we can do and as long as you can reframe this as a way to learn about things such as boundaries etc then you have to be compassionate with yourself also. The past is done and the future is the most important time for you. The longer time you have no contact then the more time you have living in clarity and within that clarity peace does come and you will find your voice and self assuredness again but it does take time and some big amounts of radical acceptance.

[athene1399]

Even if you think something is uninteresting, you were triggered emotionally by it for a reason. Sometimes writing about it, so matter how mundane the issues is, can help you to get to the root of the problem so you can process the underlying trauma. No matter how mundane the issue may feel after the fact, if it felt traumatic for you, then it was traumatic.

Also, people on this site are very compassionate. I sometimes feel I post dumb stuff, but sometimes just writing about it makes me feel better. Also, no one has ever said "wow, Athene, that's the dumbest problem ever." I am always validated for how I feel. And it helps me to process or get to the deeper issue. And I have learned that all that self-doubt is just M in my head saying what she used to say to me. I'm starting to separate that voice out from my thoughts. When I hear  "I can't believe you got upset over that. You're too sensitive... too weak... " I can now say, "nope. That's M talking". Then I think about why I got upset and go from there. Usually for me it's because I felt ignored or invalidated, but we're all different.

You deserve to take up space and have feelings. We are more than happy to help you work through this/work through it together. 

[Phoenix Rising]

Re toolbox, if you click On the yellow heading/term, it gives you more detail.
Journaling-I have found it helps me to put things in perspective. Not just current incidents, but like you said, writing down memories of things that happened in the past helps me feel like I'm not crazy.

Ah! Thanks for all of that, it has helped. I've scaled it back a bit so I can work with my therapist when unpacking stuff. It's nice to learn that journaling has helped you too

[Phoenix Rising]

Hi Shopsuey,

I'll share a bit of what I have learned about self doubt and self blame.

I also agree with the posts and advice so far too. Journaling really helps me.

Self blame is something that is hard for your friends to understand unless they happen to have gone through the process you are going through. Do you have access to counselling of any sort? A counsellor can be a person you get to vent to and they can respond with compassion for you when you talk to them about the things you blame yourself for.

It takes a lot of courage to look at our past . Consider that. You're reaching for a better way for yourself.

Try complimenting yourself for 2 things you did this week that were hard but you did them anyway. Notice how it feels when you try to feel proud of yourself.

This is what good therapy does too but we can also do it ourselves. I myself really struggle to feel proud of myself so I'm speaking from experiemce and know that when I try to compliment my self, I tend to quickly think of 10 ways I could have done more!

It's actually hard to feel proud. Even having self doubt is something you can compliment yourself on. You can say hey self, thank you for wanting to consider different options, for not rushing, for using this self doubt stuff to make me pause and journal again. Thanks Self for this. I'm gonna outgrow some of the self doubt but for now I see it as something I do and that's ok.

I think that over time, our self doubt lessens as we find ways to grieve what we lost. The more that I gave myself permission to grieve what I lost, the easier it was to recognize my hesitancy or self doubt as part of a process. An unfolding if you will. Where each day a bit more of yourself unfolds because you are unfreezing your self.  after being around the abuse.

If you have some good friends in your life, my advice would be to imagine that after getting away from abusers, we are like caterpillars who go into a cocoon before becoming a butterfly. Good friends can appreciate that a part of you is renewing, growing and becoming more free. You're going through a very important process with yourself.

Hi, thanks for your insight! I was seeing a psychiatrist - whose dismissal of my experiences of abuse actually triggered me (and one of the results was starting this thread). I am seeing a therapist now instead. I think she will be able to help me in the ways you mentioned but also to help me get into a pattern of self love and compassion vs negative self talk and doubt.

We have a lot of work to do together.. because of my shame and feeling that I can't relate or that I'm a Debbie Downer (about my family, the history is so sour, etc), I have isolated myself from my friends. It is troublesome to get past the awkwardness when people ask about your parent or family history and you haven't had the positive typical experiences they have. A lot have not been through any kind of abuse so I think for now, working with the therapist about these challenges and how to slowly be comfortable around friends again will probably lead to me feeling safe/confident again.

[Phoenix Rising]

Today, I am really struggling with doubting myself. I find that it takes long to formulate responses with others on and off the net. I'm spending a lot of time making sure I am not sounding mean or dramatic or making things about me.

I just wanted to affirm that if you want to make your posts 100% about you, or a bit dramatic or mean (within Out of the FOG's expectations for respect, of course) you can.

Sometimes my posts on here are for myself.  Sometimes other people's responses to original posters are 100% about their own experiences that are relevant to the original post.  Sometimes I hear my bitterness and resentment creeping out in my posts...but I remind myself resentment is a known symptom of surviving PD abuse. 

What pwPDs put us through is dramatic.  And sometimes the feelings we feel and thoughts we think are straight up mean.  Maybe this is a safe place to learn to express those sentiments respectfully, without fear of repercussion.  I for one sure won't judge.

I wonder if there's an underlying message you've been taught that you've taken into yourself, like "If I make myself the focus of anything, I'm selfish, self-centred, and bad."  I've had to learn to recognize and name the "groundwork" the trauma taught me in order to start overcoming it.

Thank you for this! I appreciate what you've shared with me. It has given me something to think on.

I've been definitely taught not to put myself first. Any expression of feeling that wasn't to PD liking was harshly criticized so I think I've learned internalize what's on my mind and the ways I relate to others. Sometimes I feel bad that e.g. when I read some posts on here, I can relate but I am more likely to share my past experience .. and I know inside its perfectly ok to do this yet there is that feeling like I have hogged the stage. I think my therapist can help me help myself in sorting that out. Your affirmation helps too, thank you!