inform parents of break-up? fear of enmeshment tactics

Started by bohemian butterfly, July 17, 2019, 02:03:10 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

bohemian butterfly

I'm straddling two forums right now, this one and separating/divorcing.  I've mostly been in the separation/divorcing.

I'm getting ready to break up with my boyfriend and move out, but I have a fear (which concerns my parents) and I wanted to get your input.

My uBPD mother is very intrusive, codependent and desperately wants to re-enmesh with me.  For the past 4 years, my boyfriend and our lifestyle (farming) has helped buffer interactions with my dysfunctional family and has helped me unentangle myself from enmeshment (ie.  oh, sorry mom, can't visit this weekend, we are working on the farm.  Nope, can't talk right now, I just got home and have chores, etc)

Now, as I near the end my relationship, I fear that I am not going to be strong enough (on my own) to keep my mother at bay.  I also feel like I need to tell my family that I am severing the relationship because I fear that my boyfriend may call them and catch them off guard.  My ex-husband did this.  Called my mother and talked to her for hours.  She then called me (to have a talk) and asked me if I was an alcoholic (because he told her that I was...)   :stars:   My parents sometimes text my boyfriend and they are Facebook friends.  I fear that my boyfriend and my parents will team up and discuss my "mental issues" (translation= BB is distant and I am worried about her sanity) 

Any ideas?  I know that I don't need to explain myself to them, but part of me feels like I should?  I was thinking about sending a short text to let them know that my relationship has ended and that I've moved.  My parents nor boyfriend know that I have bought a house and I am fearful that when my mother finds out about the break-up and the house, my parents will be pushing to come over and check it out, etc. I don't want them there, at least not now.  I need space and time. 

Any  suggestions for a medium chill/informative text that I can send that doesn't JADE?   And what do I do if my boyfriend talks to my parents?  I know that I can't control anyone else, nor their behavior, and I don't know for sure that this would actually happen, but how do I handle this if it does happen?  I shouldn't have used my relationship as a shield of protection because now that shield will be gone and now it is just me on the battlefield.

Thanks for reading.

looloo

Maybe don't say anything at all to your parents.  Not a thing.  If they do hear from your soon to be ex, or see a reference to your breakup on social media and then call or text you, don't call back.  Text if you want, just a very brief message ("I am doing fine, taking some space").  That's it.  Just enough info to prevent more intrusion.
"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you."  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

moglow

 :yeahthat:   That's very much what I was thinking. Your relationship or ending thereof is your stuff, not theirs. If you choose to talk about it, that's your decision - also your decision if you choose to NOT discuss it with them. You don't owe anyone an explanation, regardless of how much they may push for it. What he says or chooses to share with them is all on him. I'd steer clear of any/all conversations about him, the relationship or anything else you feel is more information than they need. Some times, truly, the less said the better.


Try to keep in mind, what others think about us is none of our business. Some things I'd rather not know anyway, kwim? :bigwink:
"She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom." ~Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter
"Expectations are disappointments under construction." ~Capn Spanky, The Nook circa 2005ish

WomanInterrupted

I agree - I wouldn't say anything, and if you're contacted, text back only something along the lines of, "I'm doing well - very busy, though." - and that's it.  Or you can use what Looloo wrote.  Either one works and tells them *nothing* - keeping them out of your business.   :yes:

If you start getting all kinds of invasive questions in the form of VM's or texts, you don't *have* to reply -and I wouldn't.  It's none of their damned business.

If you do decide to text back, I'd wait a while and say, "I'd rather not discuss it - please respect my privacy."   :ninja:

If they hear that you've moved and want to come visit, I'd wait a day or so before texting back, "Now isn't a good time.  I'll keep you posted." (Then you just *don't.*)  :evil2:  :ninja:

They want the addy?  IGNORE.  :ninja:

Repeated requests or demands for the addy?  IGNORE.  :ninja:

Non-stop pushing for a visit, after you've already told them  you'll keep them posted?

1.  "I've already told you it isn't a good time and I'll keep you posted."   :ninja:

Still pushing?  Time for some hard-ball:

2.  "Every time you ask, I tack on a month before I'll invite you, and at the rate you're going, you won't be invited until sometime in 2028."   :evil2: :bigwink: :ninja:

If they just will not stop, you always have the option of *blocking their number* for a period of time of your choosing - or permanently, once you discover you like the blessed silence.   :yahoo:

When they want you enmeshed, it's *rough* - but YOU actually have all the power, and call *all the shots.*  YOU can determine how much - or little contact you actually have.  8-)

You've GOT this, BB!   :cheer: :cheer:

:hug:

SerenityCat

 :yeahthat: for everyone in this thread

BB, although this is a stressful time, it is actually a -great- time to set really firm boundaries. You have a new house and you have even more opportunity to escape the dysfunction junction.

Pro ninja stealth is indeed the way to go  :ninja:

Cat of the Canals

I agree that you're probably better off dealing with the immediate issues (the break-up and the move) before spilling the beans to your family. Move into your new house, get settled, take some time for yourself... then worry about what to tell your parents and when.

It's hard, I know. I had a health issue about a year and a half ago that required about a bajillion tests and ultimately surgery. I knew I couldn't tell my mom about any of it -- she'd be intrusive, make it all about her, and tell everyone she knew with no concern for my privacy. So I kept it from her until everything had been set, and I could say, "I'm having surgery. It's this date. The surgeon is very confident it'll all go smoothly. Everything is handled." And it worked! The only response she could muster when I finally told her was, "Oh.... well.... thanks for telling us."

Of course I wasn't completely Out of the FOG then, so I spent the month *not* telling her absolutely consumed by guilt (What kind of daughter keeps this kind of thing from her mother?) and worry (What if she somehow finds out, and I have to explain myself?). Now I know that I did exactly the right thing and had nothing to feel guilty about. The kind of daughter that keeps this kind of thing from her mother? The daughter of a PD. That's who. And for good effing reason.

Anyway, now I jokingly refer to this kind of thing as "holding a grenade in my lap." The trick is not pulling the pin until you absolutely have to.  ;)

caramelia

Excellent advice above. Good luck with your move and this new beginning!

caramelia

Quote from: Cat of the Canals on July 17, 2019, 03:46:15 PM
Anyway, now I jokingly refer to this kind of thing as "holding a grenade in my lap." The trick is not pulling the pin until you absolutely have to.  ;)

Perfect metaphor!!!