Feeling judged for NC with PDM

[Sunny77]

Hi
Having had a conversation with a colleague at work today-it has left me out of sorts.
Basically she has a lovely family and a mother who does so much for her,very close knit.All in all lovely-I know them and they are.
I said how lucky she was as I have had NC with my mother for a year.She then said "oh you aren't one of Those who doesn't speak to people!" I then had to quickly say we don't get along and she has a PD.So in the grand scheme of things-this had to be done for my own sanity.
Obviously I couldn't go into the mental torture I had for years from my mother or that I've had to have therapy ect....
But I left the conversation feeling super judged.My colleague is really nice and I know she didn't mean anything by it.But it's left me feeling like I have to justify myself to people and that nobody will ever understand, unless you have been in the situation.I KNOW that this is 100% the case and but I still feel.......I don't know the word-maybe empty?
I've been doing and feeling great with NC.But its strange how a few words can let the guilt and upset creep back in.

[Amadahy]

I'm sorry, Sunny77! Those from healthy situations really can't fathom the depth of our woundedness from the dysfunction of PD. It still hurts when treated lightly! I have a dear, darling friend that I know loves me tons and she can't understand my LC/MC with Nmom .... it's the only thing I can't discuss with her and it sure does feel empty, isolating. 

I hope you can regain inner peace as your head reminds your heart that we must protect ourselves and that doing so is loving and really the best we can do with an impossible situation.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh yeah, pretty rude. Because of this one fact of you not having contact for one year she's assuming a lot about you personally and your other relationships.  It was a judgmental thing to say. Fortunately you know the truth, and I'm glad you're doing well.

These things do affect us. I have people who I considered close friends who have heard my story, as it was happening, and still haven't got much in the way of empathy. They mostly just don't know how to react, because it's completely outside their experience or ability to imagine. I protect myself by not sharing so much with them now, but it is disappointing.

You're one of those people who has enough self-esteem to protect herself from abuse.

You're one of those people who got stuck with a poor excuse for a mother.

You're one of those people who values her mental health.

You're one of those people who are aware of how far you've come and that there is still growth potential.

You're one of those people who are sensitive to nuances of people's words.

You're one of those people who have been through a lot and are healing every day.

Your colleague might not get any of it, and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't try again with her. You shared and got a bit burned. It does happen, unfortunately. But it's a reflection of her, not you.

[P&K]

Oh yeah, pretty rude. Because of this one fact of you not having contact for one year she’s assuming a lot about you personally and your other relationships.  It was a judgmental thing to say. Fortunately you know the truth, and I’m glad you’re doing well.

These things do affect us. I have people who I considered close friends who have heard my story, as it was happening, and still haven’t got much in the way of empathy. They mostly just don’t know how to react, because it’s completely outside their experience or ability to imagine. I protect myself by not sharing so much with them now, but it is disappointing..

Your colleague might not get any of it, and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t try again with her. You shared and got a bit burned. It does happen, unfortunately. But it’s a reflection of her, not you.

Yes. This. All of this.  I would go as far as to say  most people I would try to explain this to really can’t grasp the idea, let alone understand what has happened. I’ve had friendships that suffered when I tried to share my experience. I’ve had some friends that quietly turned their backs on me and made assumptions. I later learned they had battles of their own that influenced those assumptions. Coming Out of the FOG opened my eyes to lots of dysfunctional behaviours too. Every time I turned around something caught my attention and it took a lot of processing and time to turn down my hyper vigilance.
I feel my personal growth has been huge. I no longer resent those friends for the reactions they had and I’ve learned not to discuss the matter with people not involved or affected. It a sense, I was continuing the very triangulating behaviours I hated by bringing it up. Minimal discussion and trying not to give up head space have been a good thing for me. I know this is not what happened in your case, you were being an honest, complimentary friend who didn’t get the best reaction. I personally wouldn’t read too much into your friend’s response.
Be the very best friend you can to yourself, you are worth it.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes! These particular friends I can see have dysfunction in their own FOOs not unlike my own, although perhaps not as extreme. I see codependent tendencies. Although if they set a solid boundary their parents very well may become extreme.... I did have the thought that they were afraid of my experience having implications for their lives, and they just couldn't deal with that. I thought I was projecting/perhaps being judgmental right back, but what you wrote validates that intuition. It's still not really my business, but underlines that it's not MY problem how other people react.

[Sunny77]

Thanks to everyone for their responses!
Being able to vent to people who have very real understanding, brings me so much comfort and gives me clarity when times are tricky!
You have all helped me a lot 😊

[Lilyloo]

Hi Sunny77, First I want to send you a    We all want others to understand us.

I totally understand! This is the issue that upsets me the most and I have not yet come to terms with other peoples reactions. I am very LC with my mother. You describe your feeling as 'empty' I hear you!  It is also frustrating to feel nobody hears us. I also feel that they do judge us.  I think your colleague was judgmental. I used to excuse people, but It's just my opinion that they know what they do.

I have a best friend who has a mother who upsets her at times. My friend talks to me about how she just wants to get up and run when she's visiting her mother. She doesn't run and visits her like clockwork every Sunday, takes her food, cleans her house, yet her mother favors my friends brother and knowingly brags on him all the time to my friend. My friend has not found her way Out of the FOG yet

So many people, even a few who I thought I could trust just don't understand. They say "I don't know what to say"  Hey folks, just give a hug, if you can't say anything, just show a little compassion.  They don't and they won't.

I had one person my SIL who actually met with me to talk about my mother. She vented, said things about my mother, then days later put my Mothers picture as her  face book profile picture

So my trust is gone and I slowly learning to not tell anyone anything, except here of course! I trust here!   I am working hard on overcoming worrying what others think. It is not easy. I just want you to know that most of us here know just how much that hurt you. I am very sorry it is so important to feel validated.  Blessings

[doglady]

Hi Sunny77, well...your colleague may be very ‘nice’ (hmmmm) but she made a hugely sweeping statement. ‘One of those people’. Good grief, really?  As others in this thread have said, her comment says way more about her than it ever will about you. It sucks that she said that. But she has no clue. And I get that you were pissed off. I would’ve been too. It just never ceases to astound me the lack of empathy I read about and have experienced myself in regards to our being LC or NC with FOO. I mean I’m by no means perfect but if someone told me something that’s obviously difficult for them, even if I had no experience of it myself, I’d show empathy for their difficult situation and certainly not make it worse with some totally lame generalisation. People!! Anyway, I get it Sunny and I’m annoyed on your behalf. It would be great if she’s had a bit of a chance to have a good think about it and decided upon reflection that she could’ve done better. (In an ideal world maybe.) Hugs to you.

[Solong]

I have had this happen to me many times!

Your colleague may be "nice", but she also has some major blind spots. Using a "one of those" type of statements is quit judgemental; "your not one.." is an added layer of personalizing that judgement; and then her timing of saying it immediately following your expression of pain is - at best- oblivious. I'd keep my distance from her, because she doesn't sound like an understanding person at all and you don't need that right now.

Some on this board once said that people judge NC because it makes them question whether or not you share the same values. I think it's natural for anyone to want to be with others who bring them comfort and safety.  I also would not want to befriend someone who "cut off" others often- it brings up that fear that you would one day reject her too. But this isn't you and it isn't your situation at all. She just doesn't know or understand that- and I am not sure she's a person you should waste your energy on with this either.

From my experience of going NC with ILs, I tried so hard to gain allies to validate my choices. I just never could get there- even with some of the "nicest" people or those closest to me. It's just too painful and uncomfortable for some to imagine cutting off their mothers.

Continue your internal work- get into therapy, journal, read books, etc. One day those little comments will (mostly) roll off.

[Brooke]

I understand. My niece doesn't want to invite her mother to her wedding and people are horrified by that. One of my friends said "That's just weird. I hope she changes her mind."

I nicely said "You're talking from the perspective of someone with a normal mother. This kid has been emotionally abused her whole life. She's not required to invite her abuser to her wedding." She looked like she understood a little better, but I'm sure others will judge as well. It's frustrating.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you for standing up for your niece!

[Ariel]

Emotional and verbal abuse are not taken seriously. And if you have a normal mom you have no idea of the abuse we endured. If we were physically or sexually abused people would understand. But you don't need their approval. It hurts but they don't know. Unless you want to tell your story just ignore it. So very sorry.

[Groundhog Day]

Sunny,
I'm sorry you had to hear your coworker's comment about being "one of those". I've also had similar conversation with a coworker about "mothers". She had an amazing relationship with her mother and contacts her M on regular basis wich is great! But as I explained to her, not all mothers are like that. She is lucky to have had a wonderful mother and a great childhood. Not everyone has had this positive experience and to make the decision to break the connection is very difficult. We are not breaking ties out of hate or revenge. We are doing so to keep our sanity, a healthy life, to stop mental/emotional abuse.
As Ariel mentioned previously; if we were physically or sexually abused people would understand. Mental and emotional abuse leaves no visible scars. You don't need to justify anything to this coworker. She has not walked in your shoes.

[Fuzzydog]

Sunny, I'm sorry this happened to you. It's probably not the last time. I've been NC from most of my FOO for 4 years, and a couple of times a year I have to field those remarks. I no longer have patience when someone says "Just call your mother. She won't be around forever!" or "Just be the bigger person", I get pretty blunt. Mostly, I just say "No, I value my life." which sounds vaguely dangerous and witness protection-y. If they press, I say "I've said too much already" and clam up.
If it's something like that incredibly rude co-worker says, I just say "Wow! So judgey!" which just pisses them off, but too bad.  Grrrr.
Hang tough, you got this. 

[Sunny_day]

I recall a simiar thread where someone's suggestion was to say something along the lines 'oh aren't you a sweetheart' and change subject 😊

I realised feeling I need to explain my reasons and JADE- ing makes me feel annoyed- but it's my choince to explain, I can also let the comment drop and move on. A lot people do not get it, not because they're unkind in general but because it's hard to get your head around if you've supportive family and it is a fairly radical step. Even my therapist struggled to get a full extent of the mind games for a while. I'm glad when others can see things from my perspective but a lot of people may not be able to. As long as we get along otherwise I can be ok with it.

[Sunny_day]

""oh you aren't one of Those who doesn't speak to people!""

If you'd like to set a very clear boundary with this person you could say something like 'I know you don't mean in that way but what you just said felt quite judgemental to me. I do not need to explain my reasons to you. I wish you could listen to me without passing judgements."

[blues_cruise]

I think she was very judgemental and rude. Unfortunately being a 'nice' person doesn't always mean that someone has much emotional maturity.

I don't share my situation with anyone off here because of this very reason. It's always such a disappointment having your experience invalidated and being made to feel like you're over-exaggerating. People usually won't get it unless they've lived it.

This is one of those situations where you could ask her to repeat her comment just to reinforce that it was insensitive:

Her: Oh you're not one of those.

You: (after a few seconds silence to let the comment hang in the air)...um, I beg your pardon?

It allows the person to reconsider what they've just said and suggests that it was inappropriate, without you then feeling that you have to automatically defend yourself.

I no longer have patience when someone says "Just call your mother. She won't be around forever!" or "Just be the bigger person", I get pretty blunt.

Ugh, I don't blame you. I have no time for people who are that judgemental. I think I'd probably just walk away from someone if they started saying things like that!

[newlife33]

I feel you and can relate to your struggles. I stopped having conversations with most of my co-workers and just keep everything businesslike. I have one friend that I trust and tell everything at work, and that's enough. Everyone else can buzz off.

And if there is the odd time that somehow family does come up and someone makes a rude comment like that, I usually respond like this.

" I know where you're coming from, it must be nice to have a family that has ups and downs and arguments, but it's mostly there for each other. My family wasn't like that, and that's all I'm comfortable saying right now."

[Lillith65]

" I know where you're coming from, it must be nice to have a family that has ups and downs and arguments, but it's mostly there for each other. My family wasn't like that, and that's all I'm comfortable saying right now."

That is really helpful. Thank you.

I have a set of friends and those of whom who still parents alive are very actively involved in their care. I sometimes feel sad and upset that my family isn't like this, but I since coming Out of the FOG I take a more robust stance and remind myself why I am NC.

[Some One]

On my road through NC the people I've met who've been judgey have family issues of their own; although, that might not be the picture they or the family is painting for the world.