Never thought it would happen...

  • 6 Replies
  • 705 Views
*

Whiteheron

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 2777
Never thought it would happen...
« on: July 22, 2019, 08:56:56 PM »
I can't count the number of times I've read stories on this board and though "wow, that's awful, but I don't see it happening to me" only to have it happen to me. They truly have a playbook and it's widely circulated.

I couldn't decide which board to post this on, but I guess it fits here. A year or so ago there was a poster who wrote about how her ex/stbx was moving closer to her...and I thought "that would never happen to me" because stbx can't stand me. Well, I was wrong.

He's been looking for a new house (because the current house is the problem, not his mental state). He found one he likes and I think the kids like, but the entire time they were looking at it he was going on and on about how the house was so much closer to mine. To the point that DD12 asked him straight out "what is your obsession with mom's house??" Apparently he didn't like that one bit.

Then he told the kids that it was closer to my house, so that if they ever have a problem being with me, they can go to his house  :blink:
Excuse me?!?! To even plant that seed. I am beside myself. I'm just going to try to pretend he meant the opposite.

DD tells me when he said that she thought to herself "if I have a problem, it's going to be with dad, not mom. why would he say that?"

Sigh.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

*

11JB68

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1977
Re: Never thought it would happen...
« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2019, 12:39:23 AM »
You and your dd may have hit the nail on the head, he may be projecting.

*

athene1399

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1314
Re: Never thought it would happen...
« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2019, 08:55:49 AM »
As upsetting as the situation is, I am glad DD could see it as projecting (even if she doesn't maybe know the word). SD used to believe all the projecting things BM would said about SO. I think she's starting to realize BM is the one with the issues. It's a sad place to be even if we feel a bit of relief that we are no longer being blamed for things we aren't causing.

I know it's really not funny, but this did give me a chuckle: "He's been looking for a new house (because the current house is the problem, not his mental state)." They are never the problem, are they? I get so frustrated over this, but you can't come out and tell them. Sometimes when BM says something delusional like this we just laugh because as sad as it is, it's just so ridiculous. SO and I have to find the humor in it to feel better I guess.

I hope the whole house-hunting thing blows over. Maybe he will get bored with it and move on to something else (hopefully less annoying).

*

Penny Lane

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 1980
Re: Never thought it would happen...
« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2019, 01:36:18 PM »
Yikes, IMO that's definitely projection and I am wondering, what problem does he think he's going to have that the kids will need to be close to your house??

Again, it sounds like your DD is taking away the EXACT right message from such a tough and scary time. Kudos to her and to you.

I am with you on the playbook. Like you said every time I think "well at least THAT situation isn't happening with us" it comes up. I guess I should be ready for BM to move even closer to us than she already lives :aaauuugh:

Take care of yourself! This is such a tough time for you, between your stbx's escalations as well as court. You'll get through it and things will get easier, hopefully soon.
« Last Edit: July 23, 2019, 01:51:15 PM by Penny Lane »

*

hhaw

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 3604
Re: Never thought it would happen...
« Reply #4 on: July 24, 2019, 07:23:31 PM »
Watching a PD's wheels spin, before they come up with an excuse that sheds a poor light on someone else, is an excercise in watching them think, IME.

They're always looking for ways to finger point, blame, and sidestep responsibility, IME.

Him getting called out by dd, about being obsessed with you/your home, is reassuring.  She SEES him.

That he shifted into crazy town excuse making is what PDs DO.   

DD has his number, and that means you don't have to worry so much, IMO.

He's shooting himself in the foot. 

DD is paying attention. 

IME, she'll be much wiser bc of this turmoil. 

You're doing a great jon, WH: )



hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

*

Findingmyvoice

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 431
Re: Never thought it would happen...
« Reply #5 on: July 26, 2019, 07:58:02 PM »
WH,
It might also be just a fantasy in his mind.  I often noticed that exPDw and her mother both would fantasize about things.
Often these things would not be based in reality or would not reflect the current situation.
Maybe he has an idea that he will see his kids more if he moves closer and saying it out loud will make it happen.
There can often be a lot of magical thinking that goes on.

In the spring my exPDw invited me to come to dinner with her on her birthday.  For context, she still has not let me have my personal belongings, she won't let me see our dog, she won't agree to split any of our joint financial dealings ( I pay, she benefits), she fights tooth and nail over changes in parenting schedule, she lies to the kids about me, posts defamatory things about me on social media,
Yet she doesn't understand why I don't want to celebrate her birthday with her.

uPDMIL would make huge meals for family get togethers when there were 5 or 6 people coming.  It was like she was feeding 40 people and in her mind she probably was.
She has 5 kids but most of them don't have much contact with her, some are no contact or low contact.  One time she bought a cake that said "family is love" on it because her son was coming to visit after being virtually no contact for about 5 years.  She built the event up in her mind to be huge celebration and sees herself as the one that brings everyone together, but has no realization that she is the one that has driven her family apart.
 
uPDMIL would also tell stories about much younger men hitting on her or that she was being persecuted, followed or harassed because of the car she drives.
She fantasizes about being thought of as rich and desirable so she comes up with situations that fit her narrative even if they aren't true.
 

*

athene1399

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1314
Re: Never thought it would happen...
« Reply #6 on: July 29, 2019, 10:50:20 AM »
I think FMV may be on to something. Last year BM told us she was going to move to the city she worked in to be closer to work and was going to take SD with her. Two months later she got fired. And years ago when SO and I first got together, BM would talk about how great her fiance was and how they were together for al the right reasons. Then a month later he left her. BM also says how great her job of the month is and how she's excited to retire from there one day, then gets fired or does not get hired on permanently.

But that's probably what makes this move so scary for you. In the back of your mind you're thinking "What's really going on?" I've not found a good way to deal with this. Maybe a bit of radical acceptance. BM will sometimes do weird things. Sometimes she will tell us what is going on and sometimes she will report the opposite. But I try to accept that it is not our job to babysit BM. We just deal with things as they come up and do our best to support SD and help her manage her anxiety. BM knows how to make SD extremely anxious. We try to remind SD the problem is not as big as it may seem and we will help her work towards a solution.