MIL is turning the family against me

[Beachy27]

Hi all, I'm new to this forum and looking for some support. My DH and I have been married for a year and a half and I'm at my breaking point with my in laws. Since I met her, my MIL hasn't been kind to me.  During my bridal shower, she called my mom and sister bitches and went on a screaming tirade about how disrespectful my family is bc she didn't feel included in the planning process. That was the first time she showed her true colors. She tries to meddle in our finances (she still controls my 32 year old married SIL's budget and dictates what she and her husband can spend and we won't allow that). She didn't like that my DH and I set boundaries around how much notice his family should give before dropping by. She and my FIL keep saying that my DH has "changed" and that I am pulling him away from their family. The reality is that he doesn't want to be around them either. The last straw was when we didn't use her as our realtor to sell our house. She went behind our backs and started talking to our real estate lawyer, including herself on communication without our consent. When I asked her to stop contacting the lawyer (as it is illegal for her to meddle in this way) she went ballistic. She sent my DH multiple long ranting texts saying how disrespectful I am, trashing my family again, threatening to call my new employer, saying untrue things about me. She refused to speak to me directly and still does a week later. My FIL uninvited just me to his birthday through a passive aggressive email (my DH didn't go either to show solidarity) and took me off of the "family text chain." My DH is supportive but feels caught in the middle. I haven't said anything at all to address the texts and my DH didn't respond to them except to say that if my MIL has an issue with me then she should speak to me directly instead of putting him in the middle of the communication. 
Anyway, I'm not sure what to do. I'm so fed up I'm tempted to go low or no contact but I feel like my MIL will just twist it and use it as more evidence of how terrible I am that I don't want to be around the family.

[Solong]

Only have a moment to respond...

I am really sorry this is happening to you. It sounds so painful.

If you can get your husband to understand, I'd start there. If not, get into couples counseling to sort this out. You are going to need to be unified.

Your MIL should not "talk to you" if she "has a problem with you". Your DH needs to manage or at least co-manage this with you. It's his mom and by the sound of it his mom is not a healthy or kind person. You don't deserve this kind of treatment.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Your MIL is smearing you already, whether you stay in contact or not. You don't want to be around the family not because you are terrible, but because you respect yourself and they do not. There is a long history of awful behavior and it appears no responsibility accepted for any of it. You don't have to accept that from anyone. Your giving a consequence and protecting yourself in any way is going to provoke a narcissistic rage, so best stay clear of the blast as much as possible. I mean this woman feels entitled to manage your budget and call your family members profane names at a party for crying out loud. If the rest of the family believes her that YOU are the b*tch in this relationship, well God bless their poor deluded hearts. 

I have similar issues with my MIL. Not the same or as overtly intrusive (contacting your lawyer, OMG!). I did try to directly address the issues with her more than once, only to have it outright ignored or blow up in my face. Then DH tried, and I got blasted for not being an "adult" and putting DH in the middle, even though she does that constantly. 

Your MIL sounds like a similar high-conflict, no-win personality. Don't let fear of a smear campaign stop you from doing what's healthy for you. Because as I said, it's happening anyway, as evidenced by FIL's uninvitation. You're pretty firmly in the scapegoat role. There may be no way out of being hated, even if you do exactly what she wants. And that would be unthinkable!

[caramelia]

I mean this woman feels entitled to manage your budget and call your family members profane names at a party for crying out loud. If the rest of the family believes her that YOU are the b*tch in this relationship, well God bless their poor deluded hearts.

So true - they're probably actually jealous that you've been able to set boundaries while they're all still quivering in fear of her.

You and your husband need to be a unified front. I know that can be easier said than done, but he must know her behavior is not normal.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. I am really thankful you have reached out for support. There are great tools in the toolbox and resources at the dropdown menus above. Make very good use of those to handle specific toxic behaviors you are encountering with your mil.

You are in compassionate and understanding company here. Many of us have very similar experiences and sharing and encouraging each other here and offering resources to help can go a long way to easing the angst.

A couple of things that stood out:
"My DH is supportive but feels caught in the middle."

Your DH may feel in the middle, but he is actually not. Feelings are not equal to facts. They are important indicators that we learn to pay attention to and work with, but the reality is he has a place, and it is right by your side. The best decision we ever made in our own marriage was for my DH to be the point person with all in law communication. We talk about how/when/if to respond, but he is on the front lines and is our spokesperson and I stand with him. I no longer have conversations with my in laws one on one because they are not safe or trustworthy people.

One of our hero members all4peace says it something like this... some problems that come into our lives are an "us" problem. This is your DH's mother and father who are behaving in disrespectful and dishonoring ways toward you. That is an US problem if I've ever seen one and something to be worked through together.

Boundaries In Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.... I can't strongly suggest more that you get it and read it together! Seriously such an important time in your marriage to read this book!

It has been a big help in our marriage to have a starting gate position that we have left our family's of origin (FOO), are each other's number one priority, and anything or anyone that attempts to harm our connection or come between us or divide us is dealt with in unity and strength. And sadly, if someone is unwilling or unable to manage their harmful behaviors in respectful ways toward either of us or both of us that may be someone that has to be moved out to a more distant level of intimacy or contact.

Another resource, I caution is faith based, but the concepts taught here have been so helpful to me and may be to you in working through circles of intimacy work as you and your DH establish your life and home together is found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3l3ST7z7ps

Part of your side of the street may be to identify together with your DH your core values and most strongly held beliefs as a family all of your own - one such value may be that you do not allow yourselves to be abused verbally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. This can then be your compass and a guide in what is acceptable and unacceptable to you in relationships. You have already begun the hard work of setting appropriate boundaries around your home and the intrusive behaviors. 

You are a separate and complete family free to make your own choices, set your own course and stay with it. This kind of in law stuff can shake your foundation and tear down the bonds and trust we have with one another as husband and wife. Keep loving each other and supporting each other, learning and growing together.