My love has (OCPD) fleas

[Wilderhearts]

I'm seeing a lot of OCPD traits in my partner, but I'm certain he doesn't actually have a personality disorder.  From what he's told me, his father is a "control freak" and has the rages to go with it, and even as an adult my partner is learning to not be afraid of not following his father's commands.  They are very low contact.

I think he has fleas.

Like other people with OCPD spouses/partners  have said, on the surface it looks like many of the behaviours come from growing up in poverty.  He's more obsessive about food waste than anyone I've ever met (including people who I believe actually are OCPD), and how money is spent (although I do respect how responsible he is). I've had to remind him we don't share finances when he objects to purchases I make because it's not the right value or isn't *the most* ethical or environmentally conscious choice.  There's a "right" way to do most things, he has a lengthy justification for why he's right, and the micro-managing is a problem at times (when I don't have the patience to have him hovering over me making sure I cut the vegetables exactly to his specifications).  He also seemed to come into conflict with landlords and roommates when things in his living space weren't predictable/as he expected, i.e. when he didn't have control over what happened in his home.

However, those are the worst things I have to deal with.  He is by far the most loving and supportive person I've ever been with, there are daily caring gestures, he communicates respectfully and is self-aware and accountable for his behaviour if I say it somehow upset me.  The empathy and compassion are far too genuine for him to be PD'd, and he never rages.  In a lot of ways he's the most emotionally intelligent man I've ever known, and it's because he's put the work in.

I've sort of started addressing the fleas one-by-one by setting boundaries (and more recently by getting frustrated, or just getting him to do the things he tends to micromanage me on), but this is unchartered territory for me.  Yeah, he has some control issues, I'm guessing cause he's experienced a lack of control, stability, certainty etc. in his life due to his father's controlling behaviour, or it's just learned behaviour.

How have others gone about addressing fleas in loved ones? 

[notrightinthehead]

It is difficult to decide if you are dealing with fleas or character traits.
However, it is much easier to look into your own heart and pay close attention to how his behaviour makes you feel. And how you behave then. What is the outcome of his behaviour? Do you feel insecure? Frustrated? Do you find it increasingly more difficult to make decisions? In the small example about vegetable cutting - what was the result of his hovering over you? Did you turn around, hand him the knife, tell him 'do it yourself if you don't like how I do it.' and was that what he wanted from the beginning? Or did you become nervous and continued, trying to prove to him that you can do it in such a way that it pleases him?
What are the consequences for him, if he behaves in such a way? How do you implement boundaries? It seems that you still buy what you want, even if he objects. What about, if he starts to object to friends and activities?
Finally, remember - you cannot make up for the shortcomings of his childhood. You are not responsible for that, nor should you have to pay the price. You can expect from your partner that he is responsible for his own behaviour. If he is open to you and takes your feedback into consideration and works on himself, you might be in with a chance.

[Wilderhearts]

Those are great questions, NotRight.  I think it becomes a problem when I start to feel disempowered, frustrated, and paralyzed when trying to make decisions, not to mention incompetent for not doing things "right".  I'm generally pretty accommodating because I don't really care either way about some of these things.  But lately don't want to be treated like I can't be trusted with simple tasks & decisions.

You're right, I don't really know enough details of his FOO to know if in fact these are fleas, but the one scenario I heard screamed of OCPD. 

I thankfully have never become nervous and anxiously tried to please him - last time this happened I put the knife down and told him to do it.  Thankfully I feel safe enough with him that I can have fight responses and show irritation/frustration. I don't think it's manipulation, and it sure as hell isn't subtle coercion cause there's nothing subtle about it!  I think he literally just cares too much about how the veggies turn out. 

I didn't realize this until just now, but he's backed off in the areas where he was micromanaging before.  With the shopping and cooking we're still doing things together but a little more independently, and he hasn't been correcting me.  We just make a general plan together then do our parts.

I know control can start small and escalate gradually, but I can't see this escalating to controlling where I go, what I do, how I appear etc.  This partner doesn't use guilt, shame, or fear and there is absolutely zero belittling - he's too respectful in everything outside of these minor things he micromanages to resort to that.

That's a good reminder I don't have to tolerate behaviours I don't think are acceptable.  I think I'm just figuring out what healthy boundaries and reactions to these behaviours look like when the behaviours seem to be fleas, and if that's any different from how we handle general unacceptable behaviours.

[1footouttadefog]

When we were first married, I was working part time and going to college part time and pdh was working full time.

I wound come home and do some chores between school and work or on days when I did only one or the other.  He would come home and fold laundry, reorder drawers, and cabinets etc.  A few months in I realized these were simply his job to start with.  He needed to fold the towers because he finds it relaxing to exert control and make them perfect. He needed the action of spacing the closet hangers evenly.  And on and on.

I started leaving this stiff for hom and I did the yard work, work on the cars etc.  For decades this worked for us.  A non traditional division or work, worked.

He worked in a hot warehouse and wanted to be in the A C on weekends.  I was inside at school and work all day and wanted ihtsode and to visit with neighbors also outside.  It was a win win for many years.

Maybe divide up work and cooking so it's less annoying.