Avoidance - TV

[11JB68]

I just sort of realized this last night, and in some ways it doesn't bother me because I'm using a lot of mc anyway.
UOCPDH always has the tv on. All evening. It used to be that if I wanted to say something to him, I had to wait for a commercial, or he'd get annoyed. Recently he discovered Netflix and you tube and hardly ever watches anything with commercials anymore. One side effect of this is that I don't have those commercial breaks in which to speak or have a conversation...
Interesting.

[losingmyself]

Yes! Also, if there isn't a tv, he will be staring at his phone. The best way I know to get him off of his phone is to begin looking at mine. Then he'll say "oh, I guess you don't want to talk to me..." He'll very often have the tv on while watching videos on his phone. He likes to say that I'm addicted to my phone, which couldn't be farther from the truth. I have tried to show him the phone bill that shows our usage, separately, and that he is on his phone WAY more than I am. He just says that it's BS. Now when he says I'm addicted, I just use mc, and say "Oh,ok."  It does seem like avoidance, or he needs a pacifier

[Stillirise]

Same here.  I'm thrilled uPDh has discovered Amazon TV and Netflix, even if it is due to avoidance.  He also spends tons of time on his phone, sadly ignoring the children most evenings.  Other than that, I can live with it.   I basically use the same tactics that worked when the kids were babies.  Never wake them, unless it's an emergency, and don't disrupt them when they are peacefully engaged in an activity.  When there's something that must be discussed, I try to do it right after work, or text him about it after he leaves the next morning.  I say I "forgot" to mention it the night before. It works, because obviously, I'm an idiot. 

I've started reading books from the library to unwind at night.  I do enjoy reading a real book.  However, I will admit I partially quit downloading everything to my device, so I could avoid the interrogations about what I'm reading, why I would want to read that, and why I'm constantly on my phone.  Now, if he wants to know what a book is about, it's sitting on the nightstand. He's welcome to google it—or actually read it, which he would never do.

[TooLiteral]

Wow. My uNPDh is exactly the same way. He turns on the tv, plays on his phone, then accuses me of being addicted to mine. Or if I start to read or crochet (because I hate the tv) he'll say "You can't spend time with me? You always have to be doing something else!" Soooo, sitting here, watching him watch tv is spending time? 🙄

[11JB68]

Too literal 

[Lauren17]

This!
TV on, phone in front of his face. And if I try to talk to him, he goes into the bathroom for 45 minutes or longer!
Funny thing, stillirise, I read on my kindle. I get the belittling comments on what I'm reading and why only if it's a paper and ink book.

[losingmyself]

  also, if I choose to read a book, he expects me to read it to him...

[1footouttadefog]

Common narc stuff.  The can ignore you but want to occupy your brain space while doing so. 

This is why they call and have you look for stuff they are missing when they work late, or need to you stop and buy some obscure thing when you are away from home.  Etc etc.

We must be thinking about them or they will cease to exist.

[Veloter]

Wow, never realized this was a narc trait too.  My uNPDH has the TV on non-stop.  He will just flip through hundreds of channels and complain that there is nothing on.  I have been trying to talk him into cutting the cord or eliminating some channels to save money.  You would think I asked him to chop of his hand.   Also, if I am not interested in the TV shows he is watching, I go upstairs.   Then he complains that I don't spend time with him.....     Lately I just say I'm doing laundry but then he gets mad about that and says..."the washing machine washes the clothes, why do you have to stay up there".   

I also get accused of being addicted to my phone, but then he will take his Ipad into the bathroom for 45 minutes.  Craziness!

[1footouttadefog]

I would be worried about that 45 minutes in bathroom with phone. 

There is no way that can be good.  He is not researching fishing lures or organic smooth recipes. 

Don't sweep this under the rug.


It took me along time to realize some of that periodic complaining served a dual purpose.  To keep my on my toes and in defense mode while the pdh was up to no good but also to verify my location or to distract me while he did stuff like move porn in and out of the house etc.     

[Frankie14]

You are definitely not alone on this one...

My H usually walks in the door after work, while I am in the middle of dinner, the clean up, homework, dog care, 2 kids, and he doesn't step in to do anything.  Just plops himself down on the couch, then proceeds to stare at his phone for half an hour or an hour.  My children witness a grown man, sprawled out on a couch like a child, feet in the air, staring at a phone, texting away, and liking things on social media (he's almost 50 btw)..

I find the phone stuff odd because he commutes on a train to work, he has a half an hour + to stare at that phone on the way home from work.  H doesn't have any hobbies, he doesn't go the extra mile at work, he may as well work in a factory and clock in and clock out.  Not a go getter, non ambitious, never goes out of his way to lose weight, work harder, make more money, but whines about not being able to afford this/that/the other or complain about being obese - honestly he should have stayed a bachelor..

H is one of 4 brothers; H married first to 'show them all' he was the most mature of the 4 - tho the youngest brother, ya he really showed them...one brother is divorced twice, one got married at 51 (and just moved in with his wife after living solo for the 1st 3 years of their marriage); and one brother never married.  I oft wonder went on in their home to have turned out 4 men that either are bachelors or should have stayed bachelors.  My SIL married to the now 54 year old, wonders why he married her (I don't, her divorce settlement), and he gets to come and go like a married bachelor, as he is laid off and she is the main breadwinner now, with her own 2 kids from her prior marriage..My SIL says he operates as still single...(I said so does my H and we have been together a long long time)... all 4 men have had trouble staying employed, all laid of multiple times, all have issues with any authority, all 4 men - if they are working make excuses nearly weekly to stay home at least one of the 5 weekdays to sleep late, not to do anything special, but just stare at the phone or watch TV, do nothing. It's defiant and deviant if you ask me.

I got off track; but....for me, I am glad for the phone and the Netflix and avoidance TV, honestly it gets him out of my face.  He should have stayed a bachelor ... he has no interest in a real marriage and never did.  It was like pulling teeth to get him to 'work' at all for the last 20 years...or get him to act like a grown up.  H is still deeply immature for almost 50..

Enjoy your peace..let him watch TV all he wants, as long as he shuts up.

As Sunrise suggests; I also do the text the next morning to discuss anything he might need to know, he is not worth engaging with anymore in person, he is a perpetual child, defiant, defensive, obstinate thus there is no point in adult discussion, it just doesn't happen and it never DID, I have just grown SICK and TIRED of it...I think of him as another child in the house, and I don't discuss adult matters with children..

[1footouttadefog]

Isnt it wonderful to be locked into a relationship such as this.

I wish mine could use a cell phone to text.  At least he has started watching tv to take up some of his day.

Sometimes he will make a habit of going to the fitmess cemter. I use that time to take baths etc.  I can relax or have conversations with the kids.

[ICantThinkOfAName]

So weird.  yeah I feel like I have to make excuses to not sit with him and watch TV.  It's the only activity we actually do anymore.  I absolutely hate it and I wish I could get out of it.  I would so much rather take a walk, go to a movie, go out, listen to music, just do anything but watch that stupid TV.  I actually don't mind watching it every once in a while, but if he's home, and he's almost ALWAYS home, he's in control and I have to ask permission to change it if everyone else in the house would like to watch something.  I almost set up another TV room so that he could just have his own room and everyone else could have theirs.  yeah it's like we are invading HIS space.  He doesn't appreciate it when other people are home.  No way he could be a bachelor, he can't afford it.  So next best thing, bully someone into giving up their space that can afford it. 

[Cascade]

My husband used to watch a lot of TV, and in the early years of our marriage I really resented it. He is less interested in watching TV now and I actually miss him being distracted by it. Sometimes I wish he'd watch more, especially when it's just the two of us at home. He also spends a lot of time on his phone, which he does near me so we are spending more time together now. I do not view this as a positive thing. 

[11JB68]

Cascade, my problem is he expects me to sit and watch with him. He thinks this is is spending time together.
Yet he picks what to watch, chooses the volume, controls the remote, and I can't talk unless there's a commercial on.

[losingmyself]

 

[1footouttadefog]

Maybe you could put a large warm water bottle there and slip away.

[ICantThinkOfAName]

Maybe you could put a large warm water bottle there and slip away.

Ha ha ha ha.  This would solve soooo many problems.  Someone needs to invent this. Meaning a substitute person or device that would be like a pacifier. I would pay money.

[Cascade]

My husband likes it when I watch tv with him too, I just don't do it much. My husband's taste in programs aren't usually the same as mine. On rare occasions we find a show we both like but my husband talks so much I miss things and then don't know what's going on. And the tv was always more important than our kids were.

[1footouttadefog]

Some new neighbors moved in a while back.  She was talking about the living room and how it's hard to rearrange the furniture in it due to Windows etc.  I asked if she considered recliners or easy chairs and not having a sofa.. 

She replied that her husband likes her to sit next to her when they watch Tv.  Being in an affections marriage, this sounded like she was lucky at the time.  Now after reading this thread I realize maybe, but maybe not.