Deal w/Narc GM & narc ex husb

Started by Movnforward, July 24, 2019, 12:39:27 PM

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Movnforward

 I don't know what to do about dealing with a narcissistic grandma and ex husband. I'm in my 30's living in the same small city I was born and raised in. It's a small city. My family is all over this town. I'm remarried now with 4 kids, my first two by my narcissistic ex husband. My husband our kids and I have been thru hell dealing with the controlling ways of my religious narcissistic grandma and my abusive narcissistic ex. I have gone to jail behind my ex husband making a false report that I damaged his car after he provoked an argument on one of his visitations, to where I have to spend thousands on a lawyer to defend me. My grandma sends my husband and I threatening text about how we are sinners and need ask God for forgiveness when we don't show up to her church every Sunday or church events. When I tell her we had plans and are adults with our own lives,  she says I'm disrespecting her and putting myself in danger because she's a child of God. It's crazy making and tiring. I been with my current husband going on seven years and divorced from my narcissistic ex 11 years, and the hell has been non-stop since all of those years. The ex husband would disappear for a season then pop-up. His family who I thought was loving at first seem to show narcissistic traits as well, as they would text me harassing text messages when our kids refuse to visit their dad.

I signed my kids and I up for counseling and we were put on antidepressants and anxiety meds, but this is becoming unbearable.  My husband wants to purchase property here and build a house for us, but I can't seem to get excited. I feel like breaking loose and leaving town. My husband has a good job here and doesn't want to leave. I think about just taking our kids running leave him behind. I love my husband but the narcs here are making life miserable. When I was growing up I noticed certain family members were favored or treated better over others, and I was made fun of for being overweight. Now some family members do the same with my kids, make fun of one for being tall and little overweight and make fun that their dad is from another country so crack jokes about his culture..We just got back from vacation 16 hour drive and I definitely didn't want to return home from vacation. Now I'm back home and feeling depressed all over again. I changed my phone number, but my narc grandma send relatives by our house demanding me to call her and to bring the kids over.

When I was teen and even recently, my narc grandma has stolen money out my checking account by finding my check book wrote checks to herself and put electric bills in my name without my knowledge. I had no clue until my husband and I tried to get an apartment and was denied because of electrical bills totalling $3,000. When I confronted her all I got were lies and accusations. With the checks, I found that out after bank card declined at store. After contacting the bank, they showed me copies of check (with my grandma hand writing) as if I wrote it out to her.  It took her a month to admit she did it,  after I showed her copies of the  checks with her handwriting.  The family are enablers, including my mom, who tell me to look the other way because she's old and lost a lot of siblings and other relative say while she's living just visit and look over it..no one tells her the behavior is wrong.. don't know what to do.

Spring Butterfly

Welcome to Out of the FOG and it sounds like you've been dealing with much for a very long time.

As far as your grandmother and other relatives, living in the same small town really has no bearing on the amount of contact you choose to have. You are correct in telling your grandmother you are an adult and you really can choose to block your messages as it suits you. Another option is to set the notifications for the individual to silent or no notification so that it's there but you don't have to deal with the stress and stomach ache of hearing a notification. Either way it requires no response at all.

The ex-husband is another story if minor children are involved and you might find some good thoughts and suggestions over on the co-parenting board.

For all these situations check the tool box on the menu at the top of the Forum for ideas of what has worked and not worked for others. It's a good start to your healing journey especially things like boundaries and medium chill. Those are two really good topics to get you started.
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WomanInterrupted

Welcome!   :)

I agree with SB - YOU get to CHOOSE the level of contact you have with your grandmother and her minions.  You can block them at all turns - the phone, text, social media.   :yes:

You can also go to the toolbox and use Medium Chill as an effective weapon, but somehow, I think that won't last very long and you'll probably wind up blocking the lot (for a period of time of  *your* choosing).

If that turns out to be forever - oh well.  *You didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.*   :yes:

The only thing you can do is *walk away from it* with your heads held high, knowing you gave it your best, but it would never be good enough.   8-)

You can *film* them if they show up at the house and make a scene before leaving.  You can call the police and have them removed - and film *that* if the officers okay it.  (Explain you're not filming them - but your relatives, for evidence, in case you need to take out a restraining order.)

You get to live your life FOG-free and *not* worry about your grandmother's narcissistic needs in having you all play Happy Families at church and church-related functions, cozened in the words, "I'm a child of God!"

No, she really isn't if she's *bludgeoning* you with religion, to make herself look good!   :aaauuugh: :roll:

This is an excellent site if you're religiously-inclined - or not.  I'm not, and I found it extremely helpful:

http://luke173ministries.org/

You can also buy the book Boundaries by  Cloud and Townsend (Amazon, many formats), which will teach you all thing things you should have been taught as a child, but weren't, because PDs were involved.

You *can* get   your life back - and it doesn't matter if you live in the same small city.  I live in a small, podunk city, lived 3 miles from my "parents" (UnBPD Didi and UnNPD Ray), and have *dozens* of relatives I haven't seen or heard from in over 40  years, living just 10 miles away.   :P

They only started to make contact when they thought there was money to be had - and got swatted away, at every turn.  (Didi is dead and Ray is in a memory care unit - it's his extended FOO that was trying to sniff, sniff, sniffity sniff...)

One of them even tried overriding my POA - and got a sound,  virtual smack on the knuckles.  We are NOT doing this, now or ever.   :ninja:

As for the situation with your kids, SB is right - please go to the Co-parenting board.  People there will be more  informed and able to advise you, but if I had  to guess, it involves hiring a lawyer, determining if your kids are of the age to say, "NO!" to visits with their father, and a court  date to modify the visitation agreement - which your ex will probably fight, tooth and nail because PD.   :roll:

You can DO this!  You can put order to all the chaos in your life - and it all starts with a single step toward the rest of your FOG-free life!   8-)

:hug:

scapegoatnumerouno

I was reading your story and shaking my head.....until I came to the part where one of your children is picked at for being a little overweight..... at that point I was DONE just shaking my head.  THAT IS JUST TERRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I feel for you and your sadness and depression.  What a terrible spot to be in.  But the parts where you children are picked at goes way over the mark!  For you and your families health please block these people from your life!  Blocking people from your phone and social media can be done.  I honestly wouldnt answer the door when anyone comes over at grandmas demand!  When someone comes to my home to sell me something I sit inside and listen to them knock until they stop knocking and go away.  You and your family deserves sooooooooo much better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Movnforward1

Thank you so much ❤️💕 everyone for the advice and encouragement..I had to make another profile page not sure why but I was banned from this site after making  my post and this is my first time ever joining..it has not been easy but I'm taking it day by day.. family have called several times since I went no contact. For once they are saying they don't agree with the treatment and that they see where I'm coming from..some family have told me they are treated negatively the same, but they just know how to respond to it so they still keep in touch with each other.. and that I should say in touch at least instead go no contact..but I have been keeping distance for now..