I wish I had the strength

[Jsinjin]

I leave for work trips and get a recharge and come home to the stress, sloth and ocpd horror.   I wish I had the strength to just leave.   I can watch everyone else on the journey and just hope I take the steps soon.

[Whiteheron]

Don't be too hard on yourself. You will know when you reach the point of leaving. It's different for all of us. It took me five years after realizing I needed to get out to consult with an attorney and file. I just got to the point where I could not take it anymore. Then I found out he had a gf. That sealed the deal. Thankfully I had already consulted with my L and had papers drawn up, she was just waiting for the green light to serve them.

[sad_dog_mommy]

Everyone who posts here is on a common but different path.  It was almost 10 months after my bpdexbf's last (and worst) manic episode before I asked him to move out.   I needed that time to repair my self esteem and get my plan together. 

Do you write in a journal?  Writing really helped me clear my head and then manage my doubts and fears.

You are not alone.    ((( hug )))

[11JB68]

There are so many mixed feelings and practical things to consider. It's not an easy decision to leave, or to stay. Secondary consequences to either choice.

[bohemian butterfly]

Jsinjin,

I agree with white heron and sad_dog_mommy, we are all on similar paths, but in different places.  You will know when it's time.  I get the one foot out, one foot in. 

Last night I met up with a friend and although I left confused (she sort of disapproved of how I left....  she thought that we should have sat down and had a looong conversation versus me just leaving quickly) she did say one thing that resonated.  She said that considering my personality type, leaving/breaking up with him was probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.  I agreed with her on that.  Everyone on this board is a caring soul and we truly struggle with leaving.  Take your time my friend.  We are here for you. 

[20yrsofcrazy]

I hear you.  I feel torn with making the "final" decision and that somehow its not justified unless there is a smoking gun or major blow up.  Like all the small stuff, as well as big stuff in the past, doesn't count in the present moment. 

Hang in there.  No one is on the same exact path and sometimes its 3 steps forward, 2 steps back, 5 steps forward. 10 steps back...unfortunately. 

Just keep moving forward as best you can.  Be kind to yourself first.

[Doggo]

I leave for work trips and get a recharge and come home to the stress, sloth and ocpd horror.   I wish I had the strength to just leave.   I can watch everyone else on the journey and just hope I take the steps soon.

Yup--I go through the same thing every time I am on a trip for work--full of hope again that it's going to work out, based on our conversations, then I come home to the chaos and--as you say--the stress, sloth and ocpd horror. EVERY trip.

[Jsinjin]

[/quote]

Yup--I go through the same thing every time I am on a trip for work--full of hope again that it's going to work out, based on our conversations, then I come home to the chaos and--as you say--the stress, sloth and ocpd horror. EVERY trip.
[/quote]

What do you do?  Today I met my psychiatrist and all she could do. Was ask. Me why I won't simply make the decision because things won't change.   I worry so much about not being a good father or good husband   we live in a state of fear that something will screw up.   It's just life I suppose but I'm so tired of the rollercoaster.

[SeaGlass]

Wishing you strength in whatever your decision.

[Whatthehey]

I think we overlook the erosion of our self confidence when living with a PD.  Your hesitation, concern and awareness of self in this decision is important.  Do not undervalue your own feelings.

Yes, there will be a time when you can't unsee it.  When the decision is so clear that there is only one direction.  And you can file for a separation - give yourself some time to clear your mind and process.

You have choices and you can do this.  Whatever your choice, or lack of choice, you do it.

Supporting you from afar.

[Doggo]

What do you do?  Today I met my psychiatrist and all she could do. Was ask. Me why I won't simply make the decision because things won't change.   I worry so much about not being a good father or good husband   we live in a state of fear that something will screw up.   It's just life I suppose but I'm so tired of the rollercoaster.
[/quote]

I'm working on it. 

We talked divorce last week but he started crying and I couldn't handle it.
And then he makes a nasty crack about one of my dogs that he hates and blames his faults on, and I just want to scream

[Spygirl]

Its the choice between

The Devil you know
And
The Devil you dont know.

There is so much fear put inside your mind by the PD behavior and vague threats that you doubt your escape could be successful. Deep down, you know that once you leave, you will most likely never go back. How could you? You would hear about it for the rest of your life. It would be another weapon used against you.

This is from my perspective of course. I thought all these things. I went for it anyway. I needed to save my life. I was going crazy in that marriage.

It was and is the best thing i ever did. Most of my fears did not materialize. With the exception of stalling, all the threats the PD made were lies. He did none of them.

[clara]

   Same with me.  uNPDexh warned me about all the ways my life would go to hell if I left him, because HE was the one who knew everything, was in control of everything etc.  I was nothing without him, and didn't I know how lucky I was to have him?  I had zero self-confidence yet I left anyway because it came to the point where I was just done with it.  I don't even know if I cared what happened to me after I left him--all I knew was I had to do it.  Some part of me I didn't know existed took over and started calling the shots.  And none of his dire predictions came true.  I learned to listen to myself for a change, not just what he was saying about me. 

[Whiteheron]

 
I could have written that word for word, Clara.

Over the last 20+ years the message "you can't make it without me" was drilled into my head. I'm glad there was a part of me that didn't believe him.