Leaving my church

[FtheFOG]

Divorced from N a few months ago. We have attended the same church since 2013. N will not respect requests to stay out of my personal space while at church (not unexpected), as I've requested we only communicate via email aside from emergencies. She will insert herself into my conversations with others and/or always find her way into the same room/space that I am in. I mean, there are 300+ people there to talk with, so it's hard to justify why she must wind up next to me.

I don't want to leave my church, but in our co-parenting relationship my legal options are limited regarding forcefully gaining my space back. My therapist suggested I talk with the lead pastor about it, but I hate dragging someone else into this. I'm trying to go as close to no-contact as possible, and I'm starting to feel like I need to find a new church to give myself as much peace as possible. However, it is the kids' church as well, so I don't want them to have to leave either.

Also, I'm struggling with my faith in general. Some of that struggle is due to my experience with the N ex-wife and her using my beliefs as a way to keep me in the marriage.

Interested in your feedback and thoughts. Thanks for listening.

[FtheFOG]

Just realized this should be in the co-parenting section, but I don't think I can move it myself. My apologies.

[eyesopen]

I agree with your therapist that it's worth talking to the pastor about your situation.  I don't know yours so this is just generalizing, but pastors are usually very understanding of any family or relationship issues people are facing.  With your kids also attending the church, it's worth trying to figure something out before taking the step to go elsewhere.

Have you tried gray rock or medium chill with your ex?  When no contact isn't feasible, being as uninteresting/uninterested as possible with her can be a passive way to get her off your back.  Just because she walks up and wants to be part of the conversation you're in doesn't mean you need to include her.  There's nothing wrong with giving her just a head nod or a "hey" to acknowledge her presence and then continuing to talk to others as if she's not there.

[scapegoatnumerouno]

I really get what you are saying about not wanting to drag anyone into this.  And really, who knows how anyone will respond, it could be negative. 

And who wants to be followed around and have to duck and dodge someone while there?  How uncomfortable and stressful. 

How involved in this church are your kids?  Do they have groups and friends there? 
If you really want to keep them there, is there a way for you to get them to church and pick them up after?  You dont sound super interested in going right now.  Could you take a break?  They can go in and sit with mom and then come back out to you after?

The kids ages will play an important part in all of this.  Are they old enough to attend without you being in the building?  Are they so young that they really havent established friendships etc there? 

I feel for you in this uncomfortable situation.  There is nothing wrong with you wanting your life to not intersect with your x's life as much as possible.  Your relationship ended for reasons, no shame in that. 

[1footouttadefog]

This is a tough call due to the kids.  However kids are resilient and perhaps a new church will give them a fresh start.  The won't be the kids who's parents just divorced etc.  I am sure the awkwardness is not limited to you and your ex's interactions, it extends tobthose third parties also.

[Hattie]

Does this have to be a binary decision? Stay/leave?

Maybe you could just explore visiting a few other churches and see how it goes? Might be a chance to meet some new people? Perhaps if you make the transition slowly, it will be less intimidating?

[sad_dog_mommy]

This might be a dumb question but does your church have services at a different times you could attend?  Or could you get there just as the service starts and leave when it is over?   I know fellowship can be the best part of belonging to a church but maybe things will get easier with time? 

🙂

[FtheFOG]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and suggestions. Both the kids and I are really "plugged in" to this church. My middle daughter and I serve with the worship team, and my oldest daughter is involved with the high-school group and with the missions team. On the advice of my therapist, I will need to be more firm about my personal space while at church, and instead of excusing myself and leaving (flight), I'll need to rebuff my Nex and request directly that she leave me alone as I have asked (fight). I hate to admit it, but my therapist is right; if I leave my church, my Nex will only find another avenue to "butt in" to my life. Firm boundaries must be put down to ensure that I have the space required for recovery.

[1footouttadefog]

Glad you have clarity on what you need to do and what is best.