I need advice - adult children

Started by Whatthehey, July 24, 2019, 08:52:30 PM

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Whatthehey

I made a mistake.  I thought I was quiet and being circumspect but my youngest - son almost 18 - heard my discussion about the financial gaslighting/abuse that was revealed last week with my husband.  He is now very angry.  I am dealing with my anger.  But my stbxOCPDh stood in my kitchen and bemoaned that he would have to live in a van because he would have to pay me alimony.  (He is very wealthy).  But my kids have seen me scrape and lived in very scarce environment.

Now I wonder do I tell my adult daughters?  Or do I let it be and leave them to have a decent relationship with their father.  I figure it will eventually all come out and I am swinging between honesty or letting it lie.

I truly do not want to say anything to influence them for or against their father.  He has a mental illness. 

But at the same time, I don't want them to worry that he will loose the house or can't afford anything.  It has already influence their lives enough.

Any thoughts?  Advice?

Cascade

I think you could just tell your adult daughters that your husband will be fine financially, and if they ask more questions you can just say he's not being honest about his finances. No need to go into the details but they may hear it from their brother.

notrightinthehead

Consider this: If you were to pretend to your children that all is well with your H would you not be enabling his financial abuse to them? Would that not be either covering for him, normalizing his behaviour, telling them that his behaviour was ok?
Up to now you believed your h. Now you found out he has been lying to you. Is that not valuable information for your adult kids too? Have they not also believed his misinformation? You are angry. Are they not also allowed to feel angry? Would you rather they find out later and then also find out that you covered it up?
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

Whatthehey

Wow, notrightinthehead, you laid ot out for me. Thank you

1footouttadefog

I have been honest and transparent with my kids about my pdh's mental illness.

I agree with the above post thstnyou kids have the right to know and deal with the reality of their fathers mental illness.

To withhold information or pretend toward normalcy does not allow them to make informed decisions.  It perpetuates an environment of people being in the fog while navigating a relationship.

You are not responsible for the consequences of your husband's actions, or of the consequences of him having g a mental illness.  These are difficult and complex circumstances.  Your kids will find a level at which they may or may not interact with their dad.  It will be healthier for all involved of that relationship is based on truth and a level that is healthy for the kids is found as a result of taking reality and abnormal dynamics into consideration.

My kids are empowered to interact with their father according to what is real not a facade that pretends he is normal.  I think this actually allows for more respectful and civil interactions as they seem to differentiate between what is disability and what is poor disposition.


Whatthehey

Thank you 1footouttadefog.  That is the clarity I need.  Just when I think I am Out of the FOG, it closes in and I can't see.

1footouttadefog

We are often taught to pretend it's all well.  Then we sacrifice ourself making it better than it should be.  Eventually we loose our centering and our senses are numbed from being in the fog.

Your eyes will hurt when you see the full on light, Lol

I hope your kids find that healthy relationship with their father that works for them.

We deal with such childish stuff here between PDH and the kids.  A while back I bought my youngest s new bed.  It's a cool daybed that has two large drawers and also pulls out to become a queen sized bed for company.  There are two mattresses and you flip one over once bed is pulled out.

This was a fast pack furniture and my dd and I put it together.  It was complicated and required taking a set of bunk beds apart and re arranging the room etc.  He acted like we were neglecting him while working on it all.  Then later he started going in her room and plopping on the bed and stretching out diagonally to pet the dog.  This if course was a violation of dd's space, etc.  Who wants their tall, fat, flatulent father on their new bed , especially when they are a teen girl.  I had to have a talk and remind him that she is a girl and is at an age where she wants distance from men until she picks one she wants to treat otherwise.

  He said he was missing the little dog because she was hanging out on the new bed due to us buying a set of dog steps to help the dog get on it.  I had to tell him hat he can just take the dog to the couch or to his room.  There is a sturdy desk chair in that room also.  Nope this was a childish jealousy that she was getting attention from me and something nice and new.  I bought him some new pillows soon after that.

As you can imagine from this example there is not a huge closeness possible with such a childishly minded man.   

Whatthehey

Thank you Cascade, 1footouttadefog and notrightinthehead.  My daughter and son-in-law came over for dinner tonight.  My youngest was here as well.  I started with "Are you comfortable with talking about this?"  If not, I wasn't going to go there.  I would respect her boundary.  Apparently, I had not the day before so I listened to her and tried to explain my actions and emotions.  My stbxOCPDh and I had been cordial, even friendly up to the weekend when he began to freeze me out.  I didn't understand what triggered it - perhaps the affidavit that revealed the true nature of the finances?  I don't know.  I only know that normal is not normal here.

In a bit of a verbal tussle, I began to cry and talk about the complete extent of the abuse.  I shouldn't have gone there.  Wasn't cool.  They don't need to see all the warts.

We calmed down and had dinner.  My youngest went out with friends and the rest of us began to talk again.  A comment was made that perhaps when the paperwork was all filed and done they would see the truth.  That struck me hard.  I commented back that the truth was in black in white in an affidavit on my bed.  My daughter said that I told the courts about the abuse.  I didn't - the papers do not say abuse.  I wanted to respect him, his mental illness and my children.

Now I wonder what he saying to them.  But just a bit ago while all of this was swirling through my head I realized that they are in the FOG.  They have their own journey.  All I can do is speak the truth, be patient, supportive and love them. 

Darn, this is hard. 

1footouttadefog

They'll all absorb as much of the truth as they want.  One or more might choose to stay in the fog or even believe lies or live in denial. 

Just speak and act with I terrify and hope for the next.

The truth will set you free.