Birthday anxiety

[Pepin]

Hmm.  PDmil's birthday is a mere 2 weeks away.  No one that lives out of State has made any plans to visit as has been done for the last number of years.  There is no talk of what restaurant to meet at or even a get together in someone's backyard.     It feels great.  No dreaded family reunion get together happening where I feel guilty for not hosting everyone at our home (aka safe place) because honestly some of the others haven't stepped up.  When DH and I throw parties, we do it with care and we do it for not only ourselves, but our guests.  But UGH!!!

Looking back over the years, I cannot remember a hug or a thank you from PDmil to anyone on her birthday....especially the words THANK YOU.  Seems that most people would stand up at the table and acknowledge what has been done for them in their honor....but no, not her.  Just sits there the whole time being quiet while the rest of us now talk over and around her because she makes it so awkward. 

I used to think that it was her personality....that she was an introvert like me....but come on, this is family and there is a time and place for everything as an introvert.  Her behavior is borderline rude and again, as an introvert who has learned the hard way over the years to speak up, I feel confident in my opinion with regards to her behavior.  But she does it not from the place of being shy or an introvert, but rather, attention. 

It is odd that she would want to receive negative attention after all the fuss that has been made.  Two of her adult children had to buy plane tickets for 4 people each....and one booked a hotel while the other begrudgingly sucked it up at PDmil's house....because otherwise it would seem "rude" not to accept the hospitality.  In fact, this was one of the reasons DH had central AC configured for PDmil so that when she had guests, they wouldn't melt in such a miserable environment.  Sitting next to a wall until AC during the day in the dining room isn't going to make it cool at night  in the bedrooms.   

Since there are no birthday plans I am happy.  But at the same time I have anxiety because I don't like plans being sprung on me at the last minute when I don't have a plan to back out.  I have been coasting for a while -- haven't seen PDmil since late February/early March(?) -- and it has been wonderful except for what DH fills in.     Somehow he thinks I want to know when really *I don't*. 

PDmil has been dealing with health issues that she refuses to address for the purposes of attention and I really don't want to see her in her current state.  It was bad enough back in February seeing her....she played her health card huge when we visited for the sake of snatching DH away when her sister's son was visiting -- and he lives very far away.  That was sad that PDmil had to behave that way.  She sat on the corner of her couch all whoas me while the rest of us made conversation and caught each other up on our lives.  It is sickening really.  I wish DH would stop pestering her about her health and let her deal with it on her own.  But his guilt at her being a widow and her English being nonexistent (depends who is around) keeps him enmeshed.  Her behavior just floors me.   

[Cat of the Canals]

Since there are no birthday plans I am happy.  But at the same time I have anxiety because I don't like plans being sprung on me at the last minute when I don't have a plan to back out.

Oh I can empathize with this so much. Something that has helped me is setting a personal boundary for how much notice I need before I'll commit to a social event. In my mind, it's perfectly acceptable to turn down an invite for something I've been given very little notice for, especially if it's something I don't want to do. This would go double for any sort of expectation to "host" someone at my home or to throw a party or even to make restaurant reservations.

I would come up with some sort of alternate plan, even if it's just soaking in the bathtub with some candles and a good book. That way, if the family suddenly thrusts some social obligation on you, you can say, "I wish I would have known sooner! I've already got plans."

[Pepin]

Just received word that BIL and niece will be in town for a week.  I'm literally dying inside and my anxiety is mind numbing.  I don't care for BIL but have tolerated him.  He is also a GC —-an enabled one.  His messes have always been cleaned up for him and he is in a very strong financial position.  When he talks with us he speaks to us as if we are hicks.  I do not know if he does that to compensate for his own weaknesses or it has built up over time from being enabled.  I do not want him to visit my home and hopefully if we meet it will be offsite.  DH has a new car and BIL cannot know about it or see it....because it will be fuel for him to one up.  I am going to do my best to keep a full schedule and have the teens do the same.  Ugh, just ugh.  And this means now that there will be some form of bday celebration for PDMil...