Wondering if others think this fits as scapegoating or dysfunctional

Started by Blueberry Pancakes, July 25, 2019, 01:29:20 PM

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Blueberry Pancakes

Hi everyone. This is my first post after reading for the last few years. I wonder if what I have experienced in my family of origin aligns with me being a scapegoat or is it dysfunctional? I am all grown up and married, but feel awkward asking for validation. I kind of feel confident just knowing what I know, but anyway would appreciate your insight.   
I have one sister who is like our mom's mini me. They always were like best friends and still are. My dad dotes on my mom and he does everything she says. Mom rules the roost. Growing up, I was mostly overlooked. I was shy, and wonder if it is because my parents never supported anything I ever expressed to them.  My parents always expected me to give up my needs and wishes to meet my sister's. Nobody ever physically hurt me, but there was always an undercurrent of disapproval of everything I was. Actually I can remember being 10 years old and if I disagreed about some mundane opinion my mom expressed, she would quickly snap back at me saying "You are a zero. You just sit around here all day doing nothing. Nobody is ever going to love you." I made plans to get out of the house just to stay away from her.

There were plenty of good times and my parents were generous in many ways. I had what I needed in life and they paid for college. I started my life on my own but when I would spend time with them no matter how happy it seemed, either one of my parents could be triggered about some minor incident and suddenly start verbally berating me about something I did not even see coming. When I would defend myself, they never understood and actually things would be worse.
My sister frequently pulled our parents into arguments where all three of them would then align against me with hatred and blaming for some minor infraction like I did not return a phone call quickly enough and I was being neglectful. I had to keep trying to prove myself worthy so they would stop being mean to me. Over the years, I distanced little by little and felt better not being around them. 
I went no-contact with all of them last year after a mobbing event during a family celebration. I had not spoken to my sister in several months leading up to the occasion, and she was pulling out parents into her drama that I had to make-up to her or else I was going to ruin the upcoming Christmas season. She was apparently under a lot of stress and she said I was the reason for it. I had done nothing to her other than stop talking to her because I did not want to endure her verbal abuse toward me. My parents told me I was ruining everything. I tried to get along with other family members during this planned celebration, but then I see my dad walking over to me with my sister. He ordered me to "make up" to her and she plopped herself next to me awaiting my apology. I told him to stay out of it, and he refused. I got up and walked out and as I did I heard my dad tell me I had just ruined the upcoming Christmas season. That was the last time I was with my family. My parents continue to leave voice mails telling me I am being hateful, and they cannot believe I have abandoned my family. They say they love me and have no idea what they did wrong, and believe I am holding a grudge against them all.  Has anyone else experienced similar?  What is this?

Call Me Cordelia

Actually I can remember being 10 years old and if I disagreed about some mundane opinion my mom expressed, she would quickly snap back at me saying "You are a zero. You just sit around here all day doing nothing. Nobody is ever going to love you."

: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:

Oh my goodness!!!! I'm so sad and horrified you endured that. That's about as overt a scapegoating as one could see. And the scenario where your parents automatically took your sister's side against you and ordered you to apologize and ignored your instructions to stay out of it is pretty classic, too.

My own story is similar. I too went no contact with the lot of them. My parents also take no responsibility for the state of our so-called relationship even though I explicitly said why I needed a break from them, and simply piled on the blame and shame thinking it would put me back in my place. Please do yourself a favor and block them from leaving voicemails. No good can come of listening to those toxic words when you already understand what's going on. And it looks like you definitely do.

WomanInterrupted

Hi and welcome to the forums!  :)

First - good for YOU for having solid *boundaries.*   :sunny:

I understand - as a former fellow scapegoat myself, this behavior can drive you crazy.   :stars:

What happened is you broke rank, stood up for yourself,  and walked away - which is perfectly acceptable if somebody is mistreating you, but completely UNacceptable on Planet PD, where YOU are the Scapegoat. 

That's what you're THERE for.  All life's problems begin and end with you, you cause all the discord and strife and YOU are the troublemaker for not just going along to get along.   :aaauuugh:

You are everybody's punching bag, whipping boy/girl, and the one used as an emotional toilet.  You are there for them to USE, in whatever capacity they deem necessary, much like a washing machine or  vending machine.

They kick the washer and it works.  They give the vending machine a good smack, and out comes the item.  That's what they're doing to *you* in treating you as an *object* - but they don't seem to realize no amount of proverbial kicking or smacking is going to make you work again.  :no:

They reinforce that you're less-than, sub-human, will never measure up or be good enough, but how's this paradox:  you are SO POWERFUL that you can RUIN an entire holiday season!

Wow!   :bigwink:

That's just them, flapping their gums, trying to poke and prod you back into your little Scapegoat box, where you just sit down, shut up and keep taking it.

The truth is, they can't function without a Scapegoat, and *must* have one.  They'll try everything in their power to FOG you back into the position, but once it becomes clear that nope, not gonna happen - a *new* Scapegoat will be chosen, and the eye of Sauron might fall on your *sister* - or other disfavored family member, who will probably then be blamed for making you go  NC.  :roll:

They don't really see us as people.  They see us as things that sit on a shelf, with no life or no needs, and we only come to life when they snap their fingers and want or need something from us.  Once the task is completed, we hop back on our shelves and wait for further instructions.

But that's not true - you have a life, and many other things going on other than catering to your parents or sister, and they can't *stand it.*

You've walked away, so they're using toxic shame and guilt to try to force the issue.  Get back in your little box and everything can be the way it was before you *ruined* it with your *boundaries.*

But it won't be the same - if you were to go back, you'll probably be treated worse than ever (after a brief Honeymoon Period, where they're all charm and smiles), and your *defection* will be brought up, over and over, and you'll probably be told what a horrible, awful, selfish  person you are.   :stars:

They'll raise the bar to impossible heights and expect you to just shut up and keep trying to jump over it, knowing you'll never be able to do it, because it's *just not humanly possible.*

They only get worse as they age - and they don't get any nicer, mellower, or calmer.  If you've walked away now, I suggest you block their numbers so you don't have to hear the FOGhorn being blared in your ear.

The messages will probably become more desperate as time goes on - medical emergency!  Something happened to somebody!  There was a break-in!  There was an accident!  Come now!  Come QUICK!   :dramaqueen: :violin:  (Note:  these messages will always be vague on detail, and sometimes are contradictory).

And if you do go, somehow, whatever happened will be *blamed on you.*   :aaauuugh:

That's why I suggest blocking them all now - so you can avoid hearing all that nonsense.  They're still in the hate-bombing you phase.  They'll move on to other tactics, once they realize it's not working.

PDs want your admiration, fear or pity.

Well, you walked away from admiring them, you're not afraid of their angry messages, so the only thing left is pity and they will stoop to *unbelievable* depths to get it!   :roll:

Your parents and sister are *incapable* of understanding you're not holding a grudge - you're just sick of being  kicked around and treated like trash.

But the only story they can allow themselves is they did *nothing* wrong and you're the problem.  You're holding a grudge! 

They'll never be able to change - but you *can.*   8-)

:hug:

Blueberry Pancakes

This is just a note of thanks to those who took the time to read and reply to my post. Your insights really are helpful. Good to know we are not alone in this. 

Hazy111

Scapegoating is dysfunctional. It happens in dysfunctional families.