New here, living with untreated BPD sister and caring for my father who is dying

[Lookingforhelp-Florida]

Hello, I am looking for both insight and support. I moved to Florida 3 years ago to help care for my elderly parents. I moved into a large home with them (aged 95 and 96 at the time) and my sister. My father asked me to come to help care for them. My sister was already here and they had all moved together into this home about 6 months prior to my arrival. My father called and asked me to come because he said " I don't think your sister likes us, she won't speak to us". My mother, who was very disabled and suffered from dementia, passed away about 5 months after I arrived. My father is still living but now is in a nursing home following a fall. My sister and I are still in the house.
From the moment I arrived I have been met with confounding behavior from my sister. She is in a constant state of rage and directs all her rage at me. I have experienced unrelenting verbal abuse, splitting, impulsive lying, projection of her feelings onto me, triangulation and manipulation of feelings between my father and myself, and constant provocation from my sister. She has created an environment of chaos in so many ways and tries to control every part of my fathers life. She is manipulative and over time I have discovered financial abuse of my father by her.
At the outset I was utterly confused by all these behaviors. We had never gotten along but I saw this move as an opportunity to heal and work together. It instead has been a nightmare. My sister in law, who is a child therapist, told me that my sister has a borderline personality disorder. She is also an alcoholic. She has been in rehab but has relapsed and her rage is escalated by alcohol. She drinks 2-3 bottles of wine a night.
I have been in therapy and have learned to set boundaries which have helped enormously. Still, the intensity of her rage continues. Recently I had to move to "almost no contact". We live in the same house so it can't be "no contact" but I needed a respite from the rage. I need to create a safe space physically and emotionally to give myself a break. This is where I am currently. I have had some relief and now wonder  do I dare to allow a little contact with the knowledge that I can put new boundaries in place if /when she attacks verbally. This will happen.
I am committed to stay here until my father passes away because he has asked me to stay. She is abusive to him verbally and financially and i don't feel I can leave him as vulnerable as he is right now. I will return to the Pacific Northwest ( my home) when this chapter is over.

Thank you for any suggestions or support.

[SerenityCat]

Welcome. 

i don't feel I can leave him as vulnerable as he is right now

Will your father stay in the nursing home?

I understand that you don't want to leave, but you still may want to come up with some alternate plans, just in case.  Your safety and sanity come first.

Do you know the report info for your area's Adult Protective Services? This could be good to keep handy. You can let them know your concerns. Also they or other relevant authorities can do welfare checks.

[Malini]

Welcome Lookingforhelp-Florida,

What a difficult situation you find yourself in. Growing up with an alcoholic parent, I know how difficult it is to have any sort of rational or healthy interaction with them, especially if they are drunk. I would caution you against lowering your boundaries because it sounds as if your sister is extremely volatile and detrimental to your wellbeing.

I can only imagine how difficult it must be to maintain your boundaries as you share a home and I suppose there are times when contact is inevitable.

I also suggest alerting social services to any sort of elder/financial abuse you may be aware of. What's important is that your father is well cared for and protected and maybe you will need outside help to guarantee that.

Your own wellbeing is also important and if the stress of maintaining your boundaries is impacting you negatively, it may be worth thinking about moving to a small place of your own?

Sorry you're going through this. 

[Whimzee]

  My greatest fear has been dealing with my parents(one of whom is NPD, but greatly diminished in his old age and easier to deal with) as they age and how my passive-aggressive, bullying younger sister(who exhibits narcissism herself) will act when we have to work together for the good of my parents. You are a very brave and good sister/daughter to have gone down to Florida to care for your parents while putting yourself in this situation with your sister.

  I know from past experiences(once living with my sister--there was a mother-in-law wing in a house my husband and I rented a long time ago, that we let my sister live in--it turned out to be a nightmare with her and we had to come up with an excuse to get her to leave) that it would be hell to be in any living arrangement with my sister. However, my sister is not alcoholic, so what you are dealing with is almost unimaginable.

[bgirl12]

I want to be there for my parents when they are older and need me. That time will soon come. I have an uPD sister who also drinks heavily and has similar issues.  I commend you for being so brave to stand by your father. What a difficult place to be in - losing your mom and having a daughter he can't rely on, and hoping the one he can rely on can endure and stay. I encourage you. Keep fighting. The good you do will be worth it. And this chapter will close, this we know. I pray your sister has an awakening before she loses her father and you. Perhaps major life changes that are soon to come will influence her for the better. I do not know. By all means, keep yourself safe. If she is in a rage, you can call the police and they can speak with her and calm her down. You do not have to press charges if she is simply angry and calms down after they get there. It's not illegal to fight and scream, but if you are scared and locked away in a room, the police can be called. You can file a restraining order on her after such call and they will advise you. You can go to a police station whenever you want and talk to someone about what you can do and when to call them if at all. You are not alone.

[Drawing_boundaries]

Welcome Lookingforhelp-Florida,
I am sorry you are in such an awful situation at the moment. It does seem like you have a good grasp on how BPD operates and especially in your sister. Having the language to label behaviours as they are going on can be very powerful to keep yourself Out of the FOG and grounded.

I lost my father 12 months ago and was able to spend a great deal of time with him in the lead up to his passing. I found it to be healing being close to him throughout this time despite the FOO insanity. Hang in there - it wont be for a long time and you can escape your sisters behaviour. Until then strong boundaries & possibly grey rock (?)