I lied

[Amadahy]

Hi, y'all!

50 year old with a Nmom here, formerly enmeshed, suffering c-ptsd, the whole beautiful mess of a package .... Lol. Been Out of the FOG to one degree or another for three years now. Healing with self-care and the help of an excellent therapist. I am grateful!

I maintain MC with Nmom. I do put up with a daily phone call, unless I don't feel like answering. This coming week, I am on a much-needed staycation with my FOC. (We have never had time off together!)

So.... I don't want the daily phone call from Nmom. I just need a break! So, I lied and said we'd be away with spotty cell service and I'd talk to her the following Sunday.

I feel yucko about lying. One of my triumphs in therapy has been living my truth, being honest with myself.  To lie makes me feel bad, ashamed. I just didn't want to tell her that I needed a break from her.

What's done is done and so be it — but does anyone understand or have insight that might help? I lied so much as a child and young adult just to survive that it feels regressive.

Thanks! This forum has been a honking BIG part of my healing.  I'm so proud of all you folks! ❤️

[SerenityCat]

You could view this as part of your learning process. You did something, noticed how you felt about it after, and now you can do something different if you like.

It helps me sometimes to think of myself as a scientist who is evaluating part of a process. Like an experiment, everything is more information. We can re-calibrate as we go along.

In a sense, you can say that "we'd be away with spotty cell service" is actually true! You will be away, on a staycation, meaning not available to her. So .........."away". Your cell service will be spotty because you aren't going to answer the phone all the time.

Your mileage may vary on that. No matter what, you now can dream up alternate plans for next time.

I do understand how you feel.

Congrats on all your healing work! Congrats on the wise choice of taking some time with your FOC.

[WomanInterrupted]

Hi Amadahy,

I wouldn't call what you did so much a lie, but a *tactic* that you used for self-preservation, because your truth was you *really* don't feel like dealing with her. 

My preferred method was to lower contact, screen my calls, return calls when *I* felt ready to call - regardless of the command, "Call me right back!" - nope.  That's *my* decision, and not an *obligation.* 

However, if you still feel like you lied, there's a way around it:  next time, tell her you're going to be BUSY.   

Busy is one of those things that is rarely understood.  It's not you, doing and working, and huffing and puffing and hurrying about, trying to get a whole bunch of stuff done - BUSY is a *state of BEING.* 

You, sitting in a lawn chair and spending the afternoon with old friends and Sangria - that's busy. 

You, taking a bubble bath - that's busy. 

You not doing a damned thing except existing - that's BUSY.   

You are busy living your own life - and that's NO  lie.   

The only pit-fall with "busy" is, "Busy with whaaaaaaat?" 

In other words, "What's so damned important that you can't  call/visit your mooooooother?"   

She'll want JADE.  Lots and lots of JADE.  Don't give her the satisfaction  and stick with the following:

"Oh, you know...never a dull moment around here..."   

"Oh, just more of the usual/same ol, same ol - I don't want to bore you." 

"Ah, never a dull day at the funny farm.  You know how it is." 

Those aren't lies - they're intentional omissions of fact, kind of like when Robert Mueller said, "I take your question."

And he's NOT answering it - and neither are YOU! 

I agree with SerenityCat - it is a lot like being a scientist and experimenting with what works, what doesn't, and how things make you *feel* - if lying doesn't sit well, there are ways around it; other things to say (like being busy) - and many others.

This isn't a one-size-fits-all, cookie-cutter process.  We're all individuals, so it makes sense that we have individual *styles* and ways of Coming Out of the FOG, and de-enmeshing with our FOOs - and there's always another person to help, offer suggestions, websites, links and vids, to add to your own personal Toolbox.

You've GOT this!   

Enjoy your blissfully quiet staycation!   

[looloo]

When there is no level of healthy, respectful interaction to be had, but there are valid reasons for maintaining some amount of contact (any reason you have is a valid reason, by the way), then you'll need to draw boundaries in order to protect yourself.  This is a boundary.  You don't owe your mother the truth of this particular matter (this is a Miss Manners type of situation, IMO).

Consider yourself your own personal cell tower!  Some calls ping, some don't!!   

[Recreatingmylife]

I completely understand this. I have had to really get a grasp on understanding what a true lie is...because I was so enmeshed with my mother. You were not lying. You were protecting yourself. There is a major difference.

[p123]

WI is spot on. I've also got a father who seems to think EVERYTHING is his business and he has a right to veto anything I do. It works what WI says - BE VAGUE and don't give him details of "where were you?"

I used to get it ALL time - I used to say I was going away with my wife for the weekend. And he say "oh yes thats ok - you need a rest". Like I needed his permission!

He'll say now (And did this a few days ago) "I thought you'd have visited me". Then he'll want to know EXACTLY what I was busy with. I answer the same as WI does not. Otherwise, its a case of having to justify yourself.

With my Dad, its strange, its almost as if hes convincing himself that he needs to be pushing me to visit. When I give a good enough reason he sort of lets himself off the hook and says "ah thats ok". Almost as if hes justifying it to himself....
Xmas is a good example. He comes over our house and stays for hours. I know he doesn't want to be there, neither do we want him there to be honest. But, he stays because is his head "he should" and "its right to go to family for xmas day".

(Note- he aint there this xmas day for sure after what hes done is previous years!)

Its not a lie its not providing info that is none of their business anyway.

[Boat Babe]

I could have written your post Amadahy. I constantly lied to my mother as a child to shore up her emotional stability. I hated myself for it. This is what parentified children have to do to survive. Example: her married boyfriend doesn't send her a Christmas card. Mum spends the whole 3 day holiday wailing about it. Me, aged 10 or so, assuring her that of course he loves her and the card has obviously got lost in the post. 
Yeah, I kinda still lie to her to protect myself, not much and not for gain or malice. Along the lines of WI's tactics, busy with work, not feeling well, etc etc.
It's not ideal but she couldn't handle the truth, which is that she is emotionally draining and if I never saw her again, I wouldn't be that concerned. Sad really, but I didn't start this shit.