Todays phone call- tried grey rock

[p123]

Some success I must admit but I still find it hard not to get wound up - see my comments.

So all week hes been on - are you visiting sunday. All week- no Im busy with the kids.

So I just phoned him - got to leave it late in the day or he sets off about how I need to visit.

Dad:  "Thought you'd have come up today"
Me: "No I told you I've been busy"
Dad: "Well Ive not been well" (IS this waifing? - heard it a million times before)
Dad: "Its been such a nice day I'd have like to go out and thought you could take me" (WTF - if its a nice day can't I do my own thing with my family? My kids wanted to go out too)
Me: "Oh right"
Dad: "So where've you been today? (Pressure being applied here we go get ready for it).
Me "Out with the kids".
Dad: "Where?" (Why does he want to know - if I wanted to sit in my garden and drink beer all day its my choice!)
Me "Oh you know me Dad always busy"

Yes I shouldn't get annoyed. I have been busy. My 6 year old was ice skating at 745am this morning yet he expects any spare moment I have to be dedicated to him. It never ends.
Even when I invite him places he turns me down probably because its not his idea. I no longer feel guilty when he says hes been stuck in all day - I've had so many rejections the he moans he never goes out!

Most weeks I just don't even want to speak to him any more hes so bad.....

He ended this conversation with talk about my holiday to Florida. Wanted to know dates. Next  he'll want to know how much it cost me (none of your business), do I know I don't get paid when I'm not in work (NO!!!! REALLY!), does my employer mind (ITs not my employer as I've told him 1000 times its my client, and yes they are aware - I wasn't going to just not turn up).

Also, you can guarantee theres an illness planned for the 7 days preceding the 21st now....

As you can tell, it does still REALLY annoy me though. I want to be able to ignore [him].....

[lkdrymom]

When he tells you he has been ill put it back on him.....what did he do about it?  Did he call the doctor?  My father would constantly ask me what he should do about this or that ailment and I would keep repeating that I was not a doctor.  Then I'd get the snippy "Well never mind then".  My father seems to be under the impression that I need something to do.  And yes he knows I work.  Maybe start suggesting to your father that if he needs so much assistance it might be time to look into assisted living.  While extremely expensive (and I know your dad doesn't want to spend the money) start letting him know that if he can't manage on his own that will have to be the next step. You can't always be there.

Can your father do anything on his own?  When mine lived on his own he was capable to walking to get bread, milk or meds.  I took him once every other week for groceries.  No once a week visits...but boy did he try.  Can't tell you how many phone calls I got saying "The end is near.(cough..cough)  I need to see you ONE LAST TIME!".  The best was when I got one of these calls the morning of the day my daughter was to take him shopping to give me a break.  I asked him if he still needed her....you know with the end being so immanent and all. Yes of course he did...guess you need to stock up on groceries for that.  Now I took his phone away.  Before I would get calls from AL saying he needed to talk to me but he couldn't tell me over the phone. I would rearrange my schedule to be there a few days later  only to have him tell me never mind. I'd point out I just wasted a trip up there...didn't care.  A few days later I'd get the same "I need to talk to you call".

I suggest you start pushing back your weekly visits to every other week. If he doesn't like it you don;t have to come at all.

[WomanInterrupted]

You handled him really well!   

Yes, IME, "I've not been well..."  IS waifing, because they expect YOU to do something about it. 

As Lkdrymom said, ask if he's called his doctor, or tell him he needs to speak to one.  You can't help him because *you're not a doctor.*   

Another thing you could answer your dad with when he asks where you were and what you did is, "We were doing weekend stuff, dad.  It's really none of your concern, and it's not important you know."   

Why does he do this?

Ahhh...he's got a tally in his mind of how long each activity should take - it doesn't matter if it's dead-wrong, but in HIS mind, swimming takes X amount of time, eating lunch takes X amount of time, doing yard work takes X amount of time, and any activity you name will have a time allotment (incorrectly) assigned to it.

What he's *trying* to do is add it up (again, incorrectly) and say, "You had PLENTY of time to visit me, and just didn't WANT to!" - and CUE the waves of Toxic Shame and Guilt you feel, as he blares the FOGhorn directly into your ear.   

Yeah - unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray were both big on, "Lonely, bored, sick, stuck in the house..." - but when I'd suggest they *do* something, it would be pooh-poohed or shot down, because they *really don't want the problem solved* and just want to hear themselves moan and whinge.   

Give him NO more information about your Florida trip, and if he brings it up, stick to, "Everything is sorted/we've got it handled, dad.  There's no need for concern."    - then redirect him back to gardening or the weather.   

As it gets closer to the date you think he's going to start kicking up, *block his number* and send him directly to VM.  Block your brother on FB, and any other FMM's - you always have the option of unblocking or un-unfriending them when you get back, but why would you really *want* to?   

You can also call his GP and advise him that you're going to be out of the country - if there are any emergencies regarding your dad, they can call your brother (give number), or other FMM's (give names and numbers).   

An emergency on your dad's part is NOT an emergency on yours - and besides, WTF does he expect YOU to do about it, beside stand around and be in the way, while the professionals try to do their thing?   

No matter *what* he pulls, stick to your plans and GO.   

On your vacation, I'd keep his number blocked - and I'd consider having the phone OFF, the majority of the time. (Or all the time - give yourself a vacation from it, too.)   

You said you want to be able to ignore your dad.  Well, why *can't* you?  What's stopping you?  You are not OBLIGATED to have a relationship with him, especially if it's as one-sided as yours is, where he takes ALL and gives *nothing* in return except grief and anxiety.   

If you don't want to call - don't call.  It's that simple.  If you don't want a relationship, block his number and watch him just go to the next person on the list and *use* THEM.

Yes - you're just the easiest person to USE.  If you put the brakes on, he'll go find somebody else.

But, if you're not there yet, and still feel FOGged into calling, you're on the right track with calling late in the day.

Other helpful hints:

1.  Call on unexpected days and *don't have a routine.*  Explain this as being "busy" and calling when you're able.   

2.  Call at the *worst* possible times - when you know he's eating, watching his favorite show and will want to hustle you off the blower, or when you know he's just about ready to turn out the light and go to sleep. 

3.  Lower the frequency of your calls - not once a week - once every ten days, then every few weeks, then maybe every 3 - you get the idea.   

4.  If you *really* know his schedule, phone only when you know it's going to go to VM. 

5.  Make yourself SCARCE.  Don't return calls or VMs in a timely fashion.  Return them when you feel like getting 'round to it.  It will impart the idea that you're *unreliable* - and that's *exactly* what you want.   

You can do this, P123!   

It's going to be rough, and it's going to be frustrating AF (yes, they DO tend to get under our skin, don't they?), but you CAN manage this relationship *on your terms* - or even decide to sever the relationship, if that's what you want.   

[p123]

When he tells you he has been ill put it back on him.....what did he do about it?  Did he call the doctor?  My father would constantly ask me what he should do about this or that ailment and I would keep repeating that I was not a doctor.  Then I'd get the snippy "Well never mind then".  My father seems to be under the impression that I need something to do.  And yes he knows I work.  Maybe start suggesting to your father that if he needs so much assistance it might be time to look into assisted living.  While extremely expensive (and I know your dad doesn't want to spend the money) start letting him know that if he can't manage on his own that will have to be the next step. You can't always be there.

Can your father do anything on his own?  When mine lived on his own he was capable to walking to get bread, milk or meds.  I took him once every other week for groceries.  No once a week visits...but boy did he try.  Can't tell you how many phone calls I got saying "The end is near.(cough..cough)  I need to see you ONE LAST TIME!".  The best was when I got one of these calls the morning of the day my daughter was to take him shopping to give me a break.  I asked him if he still needed her....you know with the end being so immanent and all. Yes of course he did...guess you need to stock up on groceries for that.  Now I took his phone away.  Before I would get calls from AL saying he needed to talk to me but he couldn't tell me over the phone. I would rearrange my schedule to be there a few days later  only to have him tell me never mind. I'd point out I just wasted a trip up there...didn't care.  A few days later I'd get the same "I need to talk to you call".

I suggest you start pushing back your weekly visits to every other week. If he doesn't like it you don;t have to come at all.

YES spot on. Its spooky how similar.
Yes Im pushing back to once a fornight now - he doesnt like it.

I get that too - I have to speak to you about something. Can't do it on the phone. So I have to drive 90 mins round trip...

The doctor thing is crazy too. Yesterday we had:-
Dad "Im in so much pain, what am I going to do?"
Me "How many painkillers that the doc gave you are you taking?" (I know hes supposed to take 8 co-codamol)
Dad : "4"
Me: "We've talked about this before and your doc has told you - you can take 8".
Dad "They give me constipation"
Me: "Didnt you discuss this with doc and he gave you a laxative".
Dad: "I dont want to take that in case I dont make it to the bathroom"  (Honestly, you can't win!)
Dad: "And my friend said you can get addicted to them"

I've since found hes discussed all of this with his doctor, who told him not to worry about addiction yet he still believes his stupid friend. Also, senior partner at GP surgery has called him and asked him to stop asking for home visits because he needs to listen to advice already given and they can do nothing else.

Yet, even when I pointed this out, I still get "BUT I'm in so much pain!"

Having had back problems this last year, I took co-codamol too. I was literally waiting for the 4-5 hours to be up to take the next dose. Lets just say I know if Dad isnt taking the max he isnt in that much pain!

Sometimes I just feel like screaming at him - WILL YOU LISTEN YOU STUPID MAN - JUST F@CK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE WILL YOU

[p123]

You handled him really well!   

Yes, IME, "I've not been well..."  IS waifing, because they expect YOU to do something about it. 

As Lkdrymom said, ask if he's called his doctor, or tell him he needs to speak to one.  You can't help him because *you're not a doctor.*   

Another thing you could answer your dad with when he asks where you were and what you did is, "We were doing weekend stuff, dad.  It's really none of your concern, and it's not important you know."   

Why does he do this?

Ahhh...he's got a tally in his mind of how long each activity should take - it doesn't matter if it's dead-wrong, but in HIS mind, swimming takes X amount of time, eating lunch takes X amount of time, doing yard work takes X amount of time, and any activity you name will have a time allotment (incorrectly) assigned to it.

What he's *trying* to do is add it up (again, incorrectly) and say, "You had PLENTY of time to visit me, and just didn't WANT to!" - and CUE the waves of Toxic Shame and Guilt you feel, as he blares the FOGhorn directly into your ear.   

Yeah - unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray were both big on, "Lonely, bored, sick, stuck in the house..." - but when I'd suggest they *do* something, it would be pooh-poohed or shot down, because they *really don't want the problem solved* and just want to hear themselves moan and whinge.   

Give him NO more information about your Florida trip, and if he brings it up, stick to, "Everything is sorted/we've got it handled, dad.  There's no need for concern."    - then redirect him back to gardening or the weather.   

As it gets closer to the date you think he's going to start kicking up, *block his number* and send him directly to VM.  Block your brother on FB, and any other FMM's - you always have the option of unblocking or un-unfriending them when you get back, but why would you really *want* to?   

You can also call his GP and advise him that you're going to be out of the country - if there are any emergencies regarding your dad, they can call your brother (give number), or other FMM's (give names and numbers).   

An emergency on your dad's part is NOT an emergency on yours - and besides, WTF does he expect YOU to do about it, beside stand around and be in the way, while the professionals try to do their thing?   

No matter *what* he pulls, stick to your plans and GO.   

On your vacation, I'd keep his number blocked - and I'd consider having the phone OFF, the majority of the time. (Or all the time - give yourself a vacation from it, too.)   

You said you want to be able to ignore your dad.  Well, why *can't* you?  What's stopping you?  You are not OBLIGATED to have a relationship with him, especially if it's as one-sided as yours is, where he takes ALL and gives *nothing* in return except grief and anxiety.   

If you don't want to call - don't call.  It's that simple.  If you don't want a relationship, block his number and watch him just go to the next person on the list and *use* THEM.

Yes - you're just the easiest person to USE.  If you put the brakes on, he'll go find somebody else.

But, if you're not there yet, and still feel FOGged into calling, you're on the right track with calling late in the day.

Other helpful hints:

1.  Call on unexpected days and *don't have a routine.*  Explain this as being "busy" and calling when you're able.   

2.  Call at the *worst* possible times - when you know he's eating, watching his favorite show and will want to hustle you off the blower, or when you know he's just about ready to turn out the light and go to sleep. 

3.  Lower the frequency of your calls - not once a week - once every ten days, then every few weeks, then maybe every 3 - you get the idea.   

4.  If you *really* know his schedule, phone only when you know it's going to go to VM. 

5.  Make yourself SCARCE.  Don't return calls or VMs in a timely fashion.  Return them when you feel like getting 'round to it.  It will impart the idea that you're *unreliable* - and that's *exactly* what you want.   

You can do this, P123!   

It's going to be rough, and it's going to be frustrating AF (yes, they DO tend to get under our skin, don't they?), but you CAN manage this relationship *on your terms* - or even decide to sever the relationship, if that's what you want.   

Thanks WI- I think you are the forum expert here! :-)

I can almost predict a "I've been ill" start to the conversation to be honest. Its always when hes not got his own way. Its hard for me though - it's going to take a lot of getting used to.

I could tell during last nights conversation that he was not at all happy with how I reacted. I dont care I must admit. Be upset.

Although as I've always said, he certainly tries hard. THREE times during one phone call he said "I thought you'd have visited me today". Each time I said nothing or just "I was busy" but he kept on. This was usually followed by a reminder that he'd been ill and a comment that he'd been "stuck in the house".

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm NOT an expert - I'm a woman who went from having ZERO boundaries to having boundaries made of titanium, because unBPD Didi was *relentless* in her Full Metal Waif act.   

At first, I was *terrified* - that was the little girl in me, still seeing the specter of her past:  the Didi who was capable of chasing me, screaming at me, hurting me, and telling me it *didn't* hurt - then the switch would flip in her head, she'd threaten to kill herself, and I'd wind up consoling and comforting HER!   

Didi wasn't that person anymore - she was in her 70's and I was an ADULT.  She couldn't take my car keys, ground me, send me to my room without dinner, or sic Ray on me, to spank the holy hell out of me while she smirked. 

I went from terrified, tentative baby steps, to being annoyed, to *angry* - really!?  This crap AGAIN?  Hasn't she figured out that the more she waifs, the further away I pull, and the firmer my boundaries become?   

I think you'll get to that point, too - and it really helps.

You never let your anger show in your words, tone, or actions - but you let it speak for itself in your BOUNDARIES, which are for your *protection.*   

Once you kick your dad's medical problems back to his doctor, *stop asking about them.*  You already know he didn't take the right amount of medication, and know what he's going to say, so *don't go there.*   

Stick to, "You need to talk to your doctor.  I can't help you" - and change the subject to gardening, the weather, sports, TV shows - anything  light and fluffy, that you'd discuss with a stranger at a bus stop. 

And please - *don't* tell him you're going to call less.  It's like waving a red cape at a bull.  Instead, it's just something you DO. 

No, your dad isn't going to be happy with your non-reactions and  sudden subject changes, and yes, you'll get to the point you really couldn't care less.  That's the idea - you're *detaching.* 

Okay - so you've kicked being "ill" up to his doctor and he brings it up again, or mentions being stuck in the house, again, some more, again.   

What you can do is say, "Sorry to hear it..." or, "Gee, that's something..." - and change the subject back to bus-stop worthy conversation.   

He's NOT going to like this one bit, because he's used to getting his way, and being in CONTROL.

What you're doing is taking YOUR control back.  No, you do NOT just march when he tells you to, and if he pulls that ridiculous, "I have to tell you/ask you something - come over now..." stunt, DON'T GO. 

"Dad, I can't do that, so whatever it is will have to wait - or you can just tell me now." 

If he says he CAN'T and it HAS to be in person?

"Well, it'll have to wait until I see you again." 

When will THAT be!?!?

"I'm not sure. I haven't planned that far ahead - but I'll see what I can do, and let you know." 

Then you just DON'T let him know, because "seeing what you can do" means one of the things you can do is MALFUNCTION, and not even consider visiting him for at least a month. 

Yeah - the woman with NO boundaries became *very* good at them - and very slick at getting out of unwanted calls, contact or visits to The Lair.   

Rome wasn't built in a day - just keep sticking to Medium Chill  and being *vague* as hell.  Treat him like somebody you just met, and stick to those kinds of topics.  Decide the level of contact YOU want, and keep it to yourself.   

You've GOT this - and as Winston Churchill once said, "When you're going through hell - keep going!"

[lkdrymom]

When he tells you he has been ill put it back on him.....what did he do about it?  Did he call the doctor?  My father would constantly ask me what he should do about this or that ailment and I would keep repeating that I was not a doctor.  Then I'd get the snippy "Well never mind then".  My father seems to be under the impression that I need something to do.  And yes he knows I work.  Maybe start suggesting to your father that if he needs so much assistance it might be time to look into assisted living.  While extremely expensive (and I know your dad doesn't want to spend the money) start letting him know that if he can't manage on his own that will have to be the next step. You can't always be there.

Can your father do anything on his own?  When mine lived on his own he was capable to walking to get bread, milk or meds.  I took him once every other week for groceries.  No once a week visits...but boy did he try.  Can't tell you how many phone calls I got saying "The end is near.(cough..cough)  I need to see you ONE LAST TIME!".  The best was when I got one of these calls the morning of the day my daughter was to take him shopping to give me a break.  I asked him if he still needed her....you know with the end being so immanent and all. Yes of course he did...guess you need to stock up on groceries for that.  Now I took his phone away.  Before I would get calls from AL saying he needed to talk to me but he couldn't tell me over the phone. I would rearrange my schedule to be there a few days later  only to have him tell me never mind. I'd point out I just wasted a trip up there...didn't care.  A few days later I'd get the same "I need to talk to you call".

I suggest you start pushing back your weekly visits to every other week. If he doesn't like it you don;t have to come at all.

YES spot on. Its spooky how similar.
Yes Im pushing back to once a fornight now - he doesnt like it.

I get that too - I have to speak to you about something. Can't do it on the phone. So I have to drive 90 mins round trip...

The doctor thing is crazy too. Yesterday we had:-
Dad "Im in so much pain, what am I going to do?"
Me "How many painkillers that the doc gave you are you taking?" (I know hes supposed to take 8 co-codamol)
Dad : "4"
Me: "We've talked about this before and your doc has told you - you can take 8".
Dad "They give me constipation"
Me: "Didnt you discuss this with doc and he gave you a laxative".
Dad: "I dont want to take that in case I dont make it to the bathroom"  (Honestly, you can't win!)
Dad: "And my friend said you can get addicted to them"

I've since found hes discussed all of this with his doctor, who told him not to worry about addiction yet he still believes his stupid friend. Also, senior partner at GP surgery has called him and asked him to stop asking for home visits because he needs to listen to advice already given and they can do nothing else.

Yet, even when I pointed this out, I still get "BUT I'm in so much pain!"

Having had back problems this last year, I took co-codamol too. I was literally waiting for the 4-5 hours to be up to take the next dose. Lets just say I know if Dad isnt taking the max he isnt in that much pain!

Sometimes I just feel like screaming at him - WILL YOU LISTEN YOU STUPID MAN - JUST F@CK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE WILL YOU

When he has an answer for everything you either agree with him and admit is is stuck or you say "I don't know what to tell you"  I found that my father didn't have an argument back for that.  Or you either agree with him "Yup, your life must really stink.".  What you don't do is offer solutions to his problems  because you know he is not going to follow any advise that requires him to do any work. Don't run to his rescue. Don't even offer the obvious.  Let him figure out his own problems.

[p123]

I'm NOT an expert - I'm a woman who went from having ZERO boundaries to having boundaries made of titanium, because unBPD Didi was *relentless* in her Full Metal Waif act.   

WI - I must admit though to be well impressed with what you've managed to achieve.

I'm getting there. I'm 200x better than I was and some of these things I'm mentioned are working. I am at the stage where I'm both angry and couldnt care less if he gets upset.
Its helped that hes got worse. The worse he treats me the more guilt soaks away to be honest.

Oh yes he wants to be in control. Not just of my dealings with him but my life in general. Wants to know everything. I'd say in the last month he had an opinion (well its more of you need to do this):-

- How much money I spend
- Where I'm going on holidays
- That I should "sort my wife out" (i.e. tell her whos the boss)
- Sort out my teenager whos got Aspergers by "giving him a clip around the head".

As you say, he gets no info now. It defies belief sometimes that he even thinks he can comment. Of course, as you can probably tell his opinions/comments are pretty clueless.

I don't want to be angry though - I wish I could control that because I know I'm just stressing myself.

[lkdrymom]

Getting to the angry stage is good. Not caring that he is mad is even better.  I am so shocked at the number of grown adults who are afraid to make their parent mad. Especially when it is obvious that the parent WANTS to be mad about something.  Look at it this way....is you 6 year old always happy with the things you decide?  Are you worried about that?  Do you do things so she will be happy all the time even if it means alot of extra work for you? Of course not. So why is it any different for your father.

My father wanted me to always solve his problems....but he really didn't want that as then he would have no reason to lure me back to his apartment. I finally figured that one out when I had taken care of something and he insisted that I hadn't and needed to come over and take care of it again.

[p123]

Getting to the angry stage is good. Not caring that he is mad is even better.  I am so shocked at the number of grown adults who are afraid to make their parent mad. Especially when it is obvious that the parent WANTS to be mad about something.  Look at it this way....is you 6 year old always happy with the things you decide?  Are you worried about that?  Do you do things so she will be happy all the time even if it means alot of extra work for you? Of course not. So why is it any different for your father.

My father wanted me to always solve his problems....but he really didn't want that as then he would have no reason to lure me back to his apartment. I finally figured that one out when I had taken care of something and he insisted that I hadn't and needed to come over and take care of it again.

Deffo angry :-) Thing is he doesnt get angry but I can tell hes starting to get a little "off". I don't care so I guess thats good!

Yes sounds similar. Its some sort of reason to get me over there.

[p123]

Didn't visit last weekend.... Due to call him shortly on my way home from work.

Getting prepared for the "You've GOT to visit this weekend I'm DESPERATE for food". And "Can you REALLY make a BIG effort to visit me this weekend?"

It'll take all my patience NOT to explode. Of course, hes got plenty of food - its a scam excuse. Gets me to do his shopping because he likes the groceries from the supermarket near where I live (co-incidence that ;-) ).

The "make a big effort " rubbish REALLY winds me up. I'd be planning to visit anyway so don't like this blackmailing.... Thinking today he might add "Ive been ill" or "I've been stuck in all week" or "Its going to be good weather this weekend, I'd love to go out" just for good measure.

I'll keep you posted. Fingers crossed for me!

[lkdrymom]

Is there a reason why you HAVE to call him?

[WomanInterrupted]

I agree with Lkdrymom - why do you HAVE to call him?   

You're an adult.  You get to *choose* whether to call him or not - and personally, I wouldn't.  I'd maybe call during the week, at a time you know is inconvenient for him, use some Medium Chill, and hopefully he'll rush you off the phone to get back to his meal or the footie, or any other favorite show.   

If your dad needs food, he can always call the market and arrange to have some delivered.   

And then there's this "gem":  And "Can you REALLY make a BIG effort to visit me this weekend?"   

Translation - "You don't TRY HARD ENOUGH to make me the center of the universe!"   

After he said something like that, ALL efforts to visit would total ZERO and I'd be "busy" with "the usual" instead (which he can find out during the week).   

Taking all your patience to NOT explode is why anger is a good *motivator.*  You're not volcanically angry and ready to unleash all over everything in your path, but thinking, "Dear God - not THIS shit again!?" - and BOOM - here come the *boundaries.*   

"I can't visit.  I just told you why -I can't visit.  No, not even for ten minutes.  Oh, groceries - call the market and ask them to deliver you what you want.  You can't? (Lonely, old, bored mantra again).  Wow, your life must really stink. (I LOVE THAT!  )  I gotta go - bye."   

Boundaries get even easier when we stop *caring* what the PD in our life feels about them.  This is the New Reality - deal with it, or find some other dupe to take care of this stuff for you.   

The anger you feel at your father just makes it easier to put the brakes on his control, and will make it far harder for him to manipulate you into doing anything - because the anger has burned the FOG away and you see it all for what it really is:  a bunch of nonsense, because he's not as important, feared, loved, admired, sought after for his skill, looks, money, or experience - and he's ageing, just like the rest of us, but feels *he was cheated out of the GRAND life he thought he should have.*   

The only thing he's got left is to have SERVANT who does what he wants, when he wants it.

UnBPD  Didi and unNPD Ray thought they were owed the same thing - they got care from *gaaaaaasp!* STRANGERS instead, because I just couldn't be arsed to do a thing except maybe lift one very special sweary finger  , from the safety of our home.   

You can do the same - by *refusing* to go along with his plans for you, which only benefit HIM, and leave no room for you, your wife and son.

[p123]

Is there a reason why you HAVE to call him?

I guess not. I've backed off as much as I can because of his behaviour. Visit once every two weeks, call twice a week now. It was MUCH more than this but he sucks the life out of me.

BUT, I know what would happen. He'd phone and phone. He'd get my brother to facebook me. He would escalate as much at it took. He'd get my brother to knock on my door. I think he'd even call the police to be honest and say something had happened to me.

Hes got previous with this - I was ill a few months ago. Sick of his stupid phone calls telling me to go to the doc etc. Told him I'd call him next evening - DO NOT CALL ME IN THE DAY I WILL BE ASLEEP. So I get 20 calls during the day which I ignore. Then I get 20 facebook message including abusive ones telling me "Phone Dad NOW", "Stop being so selfish", "You've upset Dad because you're ignoring him". This was all in the space of 3-4 hours.

When I did speak to Dad (and had a right go at him) he said he was going to phone the police and get them to call around because he thought something had happened to me. Seriously! So you can see where this would go!

(Note, after this he wanted my wifes mobile number. Umm no! because this would have been another means to hassle me. Since then we had another incident where brother abused myself and wife via facebook for same sort of thing - so shes blocked him now).

I guess the more he pushes for attention the less I give it to him. If he was pleasant, nice to talk to, I would probably visit and call more.

[p123]

I agree with Lkdrymom - why do you HAVE to call him?   

You're an adult.  You get to *choose* whether to call him or not - and personally, I wouldn't.  I'd maybe call during the week, at a time you know is inconvenient for him, use some Medium Chill, and hopefully he'll rush you off the phone to get back to his meal or the footie, or any other favorite show.   

If your dad needs food, he can always call the market and arrange to have some delivered.   

And then there's this "gem":  And "Can you REALLY make a BIG effort to visit me this weekend?"   

Translation - "You don't TRY HARD ENOUGH to make me the center of the universe!"   

After he said something like that, ALL efforts to visit would total ZERO and I'd be "busy" with "the usual" instead (which he can find out during the week).   

Taking all your patience to NOT explode is why anger is a good *motivator.*  You're not volcanically angry and ready to unleash all over everything in your path, but thinking, "Dear God - not THIS shit again!?" - and BOOM - here come the *boundaries.*   

"I can't visit.  I just told you why -I can't visit.  No, not even for ten minutes.  Oh, groceries - call the market and ask them to deliver you what you want.  You can't? (Lonely, old, bored mantra again).  Wow, your life must really stink. (I LOVE THAT!  )  I gotta go - bye."   

Boundaries get even easier when we stop *caring* what the PD in our life feels about them.  This is the New Reality - deal with it, or find some other dupe to take care of this stuff for you.   

The anger you feel at your father just makes it easier to put the brakes on his control, and will make it far harder for him to manipulate you into doing anything - because the anger has burned the FOG away and you see it all for what it really is:  a bunch of nonsense, because he's not as important, feared, loved, admired, sought after for his skill, looks, money, or experience - and he's ageing, just like the rest of us, but feels *he was cheated out of the GRAND life he thought he should have.*   

The only thing he's got left is to have SERVANT who does what he wants, when he wants it.

UnBPD  Didi and unNPD Ray thought they were owed the same thing - they got care from *gaaaaaasp!* STRANGERS instead, because I just couldn't be arsed to do a thing except maybe lift one very special sweary finger  , from the safety of our home.   

You can do the same - by *refusing* to go along with his plans for you, which only benefit HIM, and leave no room for you, your wife and son.

Yes it went the usual way as expected. "Desperate for food", "Make a BIG effort" blah blah blah....

I agree with you about the reasoning behind the big effort thing. It REALLY annoys me. Once, a few weeks ago, I spoke to him a few times in the week and EVERY time he mentioned my big effort for the weekend to visit him.

I do on call/standby sort of thing for work (Nothing exciting I work in IT!). So theres potential for me to have to work 24/7.  Middle of the night whatever. He HATES it when I say "It all depends". He tries all sorts "Well, cant you tell work you can't do it", "Well how am I going to go without food!". I keep telling him ITS OUT OF MY CONTROL. My family have to put up with it so do you.....

Not that he cares. I was in the office from 3/4am one day. He REALLY wanted me to pop up lunchtime (60 min+ round trip) to bring his wheelchair back (it was in my car - he never uses it). I was mega busy. He said he REALLY needed it the next day because his cousin was going to take him out. Stupidly I agreed. Following weekend I asked him "Oh I didnt use the wheelchair - I didnt like to ask someone to push me around". I nearly exploded!

The food thing is hilarious to be honest. There was one weekend when I just could not go. He gets meal on wheels 5 days a week so he aint going starve anyway. He kicked off - need food. Gonna starve. Like I said he deilberately keeps his freezer low (about 10%) and expects me to get a week or twos worth of food every time - its a scam.

So I say OK I will get home delivery sorted. No problems I can order it, pay for it etc, just tell me when you want it. Suddenly, it because "Oh I've had a look and I can manage another week for food". Obviously, didnt want to start the home delivery because it took away one of his "powers" over me.

[p123]

I agree with Lkdrymom - why do you HAVE to call him?   

You're an adult.  You get to *choose* whether to call him or not - and personally, I wouldn't.  I'd maybe call during the week, at a time you know is inconvenient for him, use some Medium Chill, and hopefully he'll rush you off the phone to get back to his meal or the footie, or any other favorite show.   

If your dad needs food, he can always call the market and arrange to have some delivered.   

And then there's this "gem":  And "Can you REALLY make a BIG effort to visit me this weekend?"   

Translation - "You don't TRY HARD ENOUGH to make me the center of the universe!"   

After he said something like that, ALL efforts to visit would total ZERO and I'd be "busy" with "the usual" instead (which he can find out during the week).   

Taking all your patience to NOT explode is why anger is a good *motivator.*  You're not volcanically angry and ready to unleash all over everything in your path, but thinking, "Dear God - not THIS shit again!?" - and BOOM - here come the *boundaries.*   

"I can't visit.  I just told you why -I can't visit.  No, not even for ten minutes.  Oh, groceries - call the market and ask them to deliver you what you want.  You can't? (Lonely, old, bored mantra again).  Wow, your life must really stink. (I LOVE THAT!  )  I gotta go - bye."   

Boundaries get even easier when we stop *caring* what the PD in our life feels about them.  This is the New Reality - deal with it, or find some other dupe to take care of this stuff for you.   

The anger you feel at your father just makes it easier to put the brakes on his control, and will make it far harder for him to manipulate you into doing anything - because the anger has burned the FOG away and you see it all for what it really is:  a bunch of nonsense, because he's not as important, feared, loved, admired, sought after for his skill, looks, money, or experience - and he's ageing, just like the rest of us, but feels *he was cheated out of the GRAND life he thought he should have.*   

The only thing he's got left is to have SERVANT who does what he wants, when he wants it.

UnBPD  Didi and unNPD Ray thought they were owed the same thing - they got care from *gaaaaaasp!* STRANGERS instead, because I just couldn't be arsed to do a thing except maybe lift one very special sweary finger  , from the safety of our home.   

You can do the same - by *refusing* to go along with his plans for you, which only benefit HIM, and leave no room for you, your wife and son.

But you're right I used to feel guilty. Now I don't give a toss. Hes treated me so badly over the last year or two that I don't give a toss any more.

I've tried to help him and hes rejected help and its become a game to him to get his own way. Hes my Dad and I don't think I could ever go NC, but I'm not dancing to his tune any more.

[Fiasco]

Just wanted to remind you that policemen and women are big boys and girls. They can handle a call from your dad. They can come by and do a "wellness check" on you. And you can shake your head sadly and say "gosh I'm so sorry he's bothered you, I think he's just not right in the head" and wish them a safe and pleasant rest of their day. They won't take you to bad kid jail, I promise 😉

[p123]

Just wanted to remind you that policemen and women are big boys and girls. They can handle a call from your dad. They can come by and do a "wellness check" on you. And you can shake your head sadly and say "gosh I'm so sorry he's bothered you, I think he's just not right in the head" and wish them a safe and pleasant rest of their day. They won't take you to bad kid jail, I promise 😉

Yeh this is true. Maybe I should let him do it. Based on his dealings with ambulances (they've told him to stop calling them but he still does) I'll probably get a weekly visit!

[Fiasco]

It's always nice to have a friend in the police! Seriously though he's not your two year old, you're not responsible for controlling his behavior. You have a basic obligation as a human being to not purposely wind him up for your own amusement but that's it. I wish you the best.

[p123]

It's always nice to have a friend in the police! Seriously though he's not your two year old, you're not responsible for controlling his behavior. You have a basic obligation as a human being to not purposely wind him up for your own amusement but that's it. I wish you the best.

Problem is he thinks I do have a basic obligation to look after him and do what he wants...