Todays phone call- tried grey rock

[lkdrymom]

Just cause he thinks it doesn't make it true.

[Spirit in the sky]

It's always nice to have a friend in the police! Seriously though he's not your two year old, you're not responsible for controlling his behavior. You have a basic obligation as a human being to not purposely wind him up for your own amusement but that's it. I wish you the best.

Problem is he thinks I do have a basic obligation to look after him and do what he wants...

They all do.....

[p123]

Well - visited the weekend. Still the same.

I'd previously invited him out next Sunday. To lunch and to watch the cricket (which he likes). Hes declined. So I asked him again - "No dont want to go". Then 10 mins later  "so are you coming to visit next sunday?"  NO DAD I'm going to the cricket! He does this a lot for some reason, declines an invite to go out, then will moan he never goes out. I think its a power thing with him - unless its his idea hes not interested.

Next question - I knew where this was going. "So you're off on holidays soon (two weeks tomorrow)?". YES
"Oh if you're not coming next week you'll have to make a big effort to come the sunday after before you go away!" AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH. The BIG EFFORT AGAIN!!!!

"When are you back?" Sunday Septh Dad.
"Oh good - I'll need shopping that day then" No Dad I get back into London at 11am after an 8 hour flight overnight from Miami. Its two hours drive home from there. I've got work in the monday. I AM NOT doing you're shopping on that sunday.

"What am I going to to do then?" AARGGGG I  DONT CARE....

[lkdrymom]

"What am I going to to do then?" AARGGGG I  DONT CARE....

Your answer should have been  "I don't know, that is your problem to solve"

The real issue is they don't want to do for themselves, every issue they want a team to come running and fuss over them. To prove how important they are.  It is agrivating when they won't take care of the things that they can. They never see that they are pushing us away with the constant neediness .  If they only asked when it was truly important we would all be there. I showed him how to reprogram his remote that he kept screwing up but he insisted it was easier if I LEFT WORK to fix it for him.  That is how self involved they are....I don;t think he truly listened to what he said.  He expected me to leave my JOB to fix he tv remote when he had the instructions to do it himself.

My son went to visit my father yesterday.  First words out of his mouth "Where is your mother?"  He just wants me there. Most people would be thrilled to have a grandson visit.  Nope, just me. And for what?  He needs nothing as he is in Assisted Living.  He has nothing to say to me. Most of our visits is just him sitting there like a lump. I try to keep a conversation going but he doesn't participate....so why am I there????  When he was a younger man he didn't care if I was there or not. If I visited my parent she was too busy watching tv to spend time with me.  Now he reaps what he sowed.

[p123]

"What am I going to to do then?" AARGGGG I  DONT CARE....

Your answer should have been  "I don't know, that is your problem to solve"

The real issue is they don't want to do for themselves, every issue they want a team to come running and fuss over them. To prove how important they are.  It is agrivating when they won't take care of the things that they can. They never see that they are pushing us away with the constant neediness .  If they only asked when it was truly important we would all be there. I showed him how to reprogram his remote that he kept screwing up but he insisted it was easier if I LEFT WORK to fix it for him.  That is how self involved they are....I don;t think he truly listened to what he said.  He expected me to leave my JOB to fix he tv remote when he had the instructions to do it himself.

My son went to visit my father yesterday.  First words out of his mouth "Where is your mother?"  He just wants me there. Most people would be thrilled to have a grandson visit.  Nope, just me. And for what?  He needs nothing as he is in Assisted Living.  He has nothing to say to me. Most of our visits is just him sitting there like a lump. I try to keep a conversation going but he doesn't participate....so why am I there????  When he was a younger man he didn't care if I was there or not. If I visited my parent she was too busy watching tv to spend time with me.  Now he reaps what he sowed.

I gave him two options:-

1. Phone your other son.
2. Wait for me to phone you and I'll get food delivered.

You're right there. Most of the time he doesnt need a thing. Its amazing - he has satellite TV. He knows how to work it inside out - because he has to. Its nt practical for me to change channels for him. So he learned how to do it.

His call/mobile. Never turned on. Can't be bothered. Nothing in it for him being contactable when hes out.

[WomanInterrupted]

Lkdrymom wrote:  Your answer should have been  "I don't know, that is your problem to solve"   

That's it, right there.  The *best* possible answer you can give him - but your options were good, too. 

No, they really don't *need* anything - unBPD Didi had a remote that wore out, so the cable company gave her a new remote, that was *identical* to the old remote, but with bigger buttons (so she could read it easier), and she called me to *explain* it to her, because she couldn't figure it out.   

She wanted me to come NOW!  Right NOW.  I told her it would have to wait until I came the following week. 

She waifed that she didn't know what she was going to DO - I told her to try using it like the old remote, and see what happened. 

For a *week* I was dodging answering machine messages about how *awful* it was to have to get up to change the channel, or ask Ray to come in and do it for her (with his *identical* remote   ) because hers was just incomprehensible; how could they DO  this to her!?!?!?   

I get over there the following week and yup - same remote.  Works just like the old one (we have the same remote, too).  I point it at the TV, change channels, and Didi acted all flabbergasted, then said, "You'll have to come over and change channels FOR me."   

I smiled and said, "That's not going to happen.  You can change your own channels or keep bugging Ray.  Those are the options." 

She got all indignant and put on her, "Didi is pissed" performance, which I ignored, and the subject of the remote never came up again, because suddenly, it worked just fine. 

She bought a portable DVD player, to watch Downton Abbey, and couldn't figure it out, then said she couldn't read the instructions.

I looked at them and they were in tiny print, so I agreed to blow them up - and did, to a really large font, but Didi *still couldn't read it.* 

Translation:  I don't wanna!  Do it FOR me.  I can has important!   

The DVD player was pretty intuitive and easy to use.  I tried showing her.  She got angry instead, griping that the buttons on the remote should have *words* on them and not arrows. 

I told her there was no room, and she was going to have to pay attention if she wanted to watch her DVDs - but she imperiously waved me away and told me I could come over and operate it FOR her, anytime she wanted to watch something. 

I blinked, felt a  cold lump in my stomach, and realized I'd never be setting foot in that house again, as long as she lived. 

Didi then announced we were going to watch Downton Abbey now - first, I have *no* interest, and second, I didn't have time.

I told her I had to leave and she told me whatever I had to do could *wait* - WE were watching DA *now.* 

I got up, grabbed my purse, shook my head and said, "It's really easy to use.  I'm sure you'll get the hang of it, in no time..." - and left, while she was standing there with her mouth hanging open, like she couldn't quite grasp what was happening.

Instead of trying to figure it out, she put it away and would complain bitterly to me that she wanted to watch Downton Abbey but SOMEBODY wouldn't show her how to use the DVD player. 

I told her to call the place where she bought it and have *somebody* in tech support help her.     She slammed the phone down instead.   

That was the point I *seriously* started malfunctioning - I couldn't help her, I couldn't do a thing for her, I was too BUSY, and  she'd have to figure things out on her own or do without - or go into the next room and ask RAY, who lived in the same house!   

In *two years* of having boundaries the *only* things that sank in for Didi were:

1.  Never threaten suicide unless you want to explain to the paramedics that you were just venting.

2.  If you need to go to the ER, call an AMBULANCE.

Everything else was a one-sided battle of wills, because I'd dropped the rope and stopped playing. 

[Andeza]

My uBPDM has started complaining harder and harder about easy stuff too. She's about to the age where she can get social security and whines that she doesn't know how. Mind you she has two older brothers that could explain it to her. Also there's the Google you know. I told her "You're a big girl, I'm sure you'll figure it out." Hasn't whined since. Kinda funny.

Keep up the gray/grey rock p123. And enjoy your holiday. 

[p123]

Todays classic..... Brother is going away for a week soon. If you remember, brother lives a mile away, has no kids to look after, and, anyway, mostly sends his wife up to see Dad during the day (and she doesn't work). Of course, Dad LOVES having someone fuss over him and someone to act like his slave. She does his shopping, launders clothes. Of course, she knows hes got money........ ;-)

Me - I live 30-40 mins away, got autistic teenager, 6 year old, wife whos long term ill. I'm a disappointment because I refuse to do so much.

Anyway, he said last night "I'll need your help when brothers away". In other words, you need to fill in exactly what he does.
I told him no can do more than I do now - hes not happy.
He told me my wife "will have to do his laundry". (Note not me - my wife - because its womens work). No chance I told him - I'll arrange a laudry service to collect his stuff. If he runs out of food, I'll get food delivered

I am now, as per usual,  the devil incarnate. Thing is I don't care any more.

[p123]

Lkdrymom wrote:  Your answer should have been  "I don't know, that is your problem to solve"   

That's it, right there.  The *best* possible answer you can give him - but your options were good, too. 

No, they really don't *need* anything - unBPD Didi had a remote that wore out, so the cable company gave her a new remote, that was *identical* to the old remote, but with bigger buttons (so she could read it easier), and she called me to *explain* it to her, because she couldn't figure it out.   

She wanted me to come NOW!  Right NOW.  I told her it would have to wait until I came the following week. 

She waifed that she didn't know what she was going to DO - I told her to try using it like the old remote, and see what happened. 

For a *week* I was dodging answering machine messages about how *awful* it was to have to get up to change the channel, or ask Ray to come in and do it for her (with his *identical* remote   ) because hers was just incomprehensible; how could they DO  this to her!?!?!?   

I get over there the following week and yup - same remote.  Works just like the old one (we have the same remote, too).  I point it at the TV, change channels, and Didi acted all flabbergasted, then said, "You'll have to come over and change channels FOR me."   

I smiled and said, "That's not going to happen.  You can change your own channels or keep bugging Ray.  Those are the options." 

She got all indignant and put on her, "Didi is pissed" performance, which I ignored, and the subject of the remote never came up again, because suddenly, it worked just fine. 

She bought a portable DVD player, to watch Downton Abbey, and couldn't figure it out, then said she couldn't read the instructions.

I looked at them and they were in tiny print, so I agreed to blow them up - and did, to a really large font, but Didi *still couldn't read it.* 

Translation:  I don't wanna!  Do it FOR me.  I can has important!   

The DVD player was pretty intuitive and easy to use.  I tried showing her.  She got angry instead, griping that the buttons on the remote should have *words* on them and not arrows. 

I told her there was no room, and she was going to have to pay attention if she wanted to watch her DVDs - but she imperiously waved me away and told me I could come over and operate it FOR her, anytime she wanted to watch something. 

I blinked, felt a  cold lump in my stomach, and realized I'd never be setting foot in that house again, as long as she lived. 

Didi then announced we were going to watch Downton Abbey now - first, I have *no* interest, and second, I didn't have time.

I told her I had to leave and she told me whatever I had to do could *wait* - WE were watching DA *now.* 

I got up, grabbed my purse, shook my head and said, "It's really easy to use.  I'm sure you'll get the hang of it, in no time..." - and left, while she was standing there with her mouth hanging open, like she couldn't quite grasp what was happening.

Instead of trying to figure it out, she put it away and would complain bitterly to me that she wanted to watch Downton Abbey but SOMEBODY wouldn't show her how to use the DVD player. 

I told her to call the place where she bought it and have *somebody* in tech support help her.     She slammed the phone down instead.   

That was the point I *seriously* started malfunctioning - I couldn't help her, I couldn't do a thing for her, I was too BUSY, and  she'd have to figure things out on her own or do without - or go into the next room and ask RAY, who lived in the same house!   

In *two years* of having boundaries the *only* things that sank in for Didi were:

1.  Never threaten suicide unless you want to explain to the paramedics that you were just venting.

2.  If you need to go to the ER, call an AMBULANCE.

Everything else was a one-sided battle of wills, because I'd dropped the rope and stopped playing. 

Oh yes with Dad theres an awful lot of "can't be bothered you do it" as you had.

Its obvious when he does things because hes forced to that hes quite capable. But if he doesn't have to do it why bother? Hes always been like this. I probably mentioned the story of the washing machine when he bought his own place? (OK his idea of "womens work" didnt help)

Got divorced, retired, bought place (at age 58). Refused to get a washing machine - too hard to use. How are you going to wash your clothes Dad? In come his enablers like his older sister to offer to do it for him. She did it for years until she got too old. Various GFs of brother have done it - his current partner does now.
Over the years hes asked me to ask my wife (yes my wife not me!) to do it. NO NO NO. Constant argument that is.

Reasoning - why bother to learn if someone else can do it.

[p123]

Can vouch for not giving the person info when you try grey rock. I'm finally realising, info is power for the narc - they will use it against you to plan.

I mentioned in another thread I'd invited Dad to cricket (like baseball but better!) on Sunday. As usual - No I dont want to go. Fine. Then there was the "so are you coming to visit on sunday?" No Im going to the cricket to which you were invited. Three times for this conversation.

Spoke to him last night - weather forecast is not good for sunday. They dont play in the rain so it may be off. So Dad pipes up "Oh you'll be coming to visit me on sunday then if it rains". What? So let me get this right, if I've now got spare time it automatically gets allocated to you? Thanks for that.

Of course, he knows, since I invited him, I've got nothing else on sunday so if its cancelled I must be free. Very clever move.

Guess what will happen next time? I won't even invite him out (he never says yes anyway) because I'm not givng him information to try and con me like this.

Sunday you can guarantee if there is one spot of rain around 230pm (when the game starts) he'll be ringing me so see what time I'm visiting. I just hope its not called off too early! Not anwering the phone sunday though.

I'll get the same when I phone him late sunday "Thought you would have visited", "so what were doing then if the cricket was off?"