War

[Emmy]

My 16 year old son, diagnosed with Autism and PPD, is at war with us, his parents. That is nothing new as he often seeks revenge when we are not going "his way". He is hypersensitive, argumentative, stubborn, very manipulative, demanding, angry and unforgiving. We love our children unconditionally, he only seems capable of "conditional love" meaning he only "loves" us when we go his way.
When we don't do that, he gets angry, violent and subsequently gives us the silent treatments for weeks or months. During those silent periods, we do not see or hear from him (he lives in residential care because of his aggressive behaviours) and he often is revengeful. Over the last two years I have seen every service under the sun, I have met countless professionals, have pleaded with police, courts etc to not get him charged, have enrolled him in 4 different schools which all did not work out, have found him jobs that did not last, have endured abuse and assault from him, have supported him endlessly and have tried many times to get him to accept treatment/support which he always refused.  In his bad periods, he tells services involved that we are the worst parents, that we are abusive, etc etc. And we have to defend ourselves often.
This time he is going a bit further, he wants to become a ward of the state and us to lose our parental rights....
To be honest, I am done, I do not want to battle with my son, I want peace. I do not want to go to court hearings and I do not want to listen anymore to his lies (he believes in his own truth), his endless demands, manipulation and abuse. And most of all, I do not want to go to the services anymore to defend myself and to rectify all his stories.
Also, my son does not believe his diagnosis and has demanded to be assessed again by yet another psychiatrist. That psychiatrist of course wants to hear my side of the story. I already have done that  a million times over the last 2 years and I have absolute no desire to do that again, knowing my son only wants to manipulate this new psychiatrist hoping the diagnosis will go.
What I do want is to keep my boundaries in order to keep my sanity as my son is driving me crazy. I want out of his war. But I wonder if that ever will be possible?

[Associate of Daniel]

Hi, Emmy.

I'm so sorry.

I have a lot to write in response but currently don't have the time. I'll write later today.

Hopefully some others can chime in, in the meantime.

AOD

[SerenityCat]

Emmy, I'm so sorry.

I want out of his war. But I wonder if that ever will be possible?

I think that it is possible.

he lives in residential care because of his aggressive behaviours

he wants to become a ward of the state and us to lose our parental rights

have endured abuse and assault from him

If I was in your situation, with what you've described here, I'd meet with an attorney and find out if relinquishing parental rights is possible. If it is, I'd likely do that.

You understandably sound exhausted and beyond burned out. 

He is 16 and likely will be considered an adult soon. You've done everything you can and more.

Your safety and well being is vital. Your son sounds unstable and maybe dangerous. You possibly have been in situations where you could have asked for a protection order against him.

No matter what, I hope that you reach out for support for yourself wherever possible.  You are in a tough situation. I hope that you can find a supportive therapist . You deserve a good life free of abuse and strife.

[Associate of Daniel]

As parents we question whether we are doing/have done everything we can/could for our children.  We strive to have a clear conscience.

It seems you have tried everything for your son. I wonder if this last psychiatrist visit by you might be the final thing you need to do to be at peace.

It may be unavoidable anyway - part of the process that your son is insisting upon.

I wonder if you might be able to have the notes from the psychiatrists you've previously seen, transferred to this current psychiatrist. And have him/her read them before you attend an appointment.   That way most of your story will already be known and it would save you a lot of time and emotional energy.

I agree with Serenity Cat that a visit to a solicitor to ask about the ramifications of relinqhishing parental responsibility, might be important.

One day your son might want/need your help, and you may be willing to help, but you'd be unable to if you've given away parental rights.

Would you be able to get those rights back again?

At 16 though, your son is essentially considered an adult by the court so I wonder if parental rights even really count.

I strongly suggest you try to find a counsellor.    I understand you are tired of retelling your story to the various authorities.  But this time it would be for you. To help you process everything. Not to help or "fix" your son.

I've found in the past that having a counsellor who didn't know anyone in my life was really helpful.

I can't imagine what you must be feeling. But please know you are (sadly) not alone.

Keep posting on these boards when you can and keep reaching out for help.

AOD