First time writing about my mom...

[WenUSay1ThngButMeanUrMthr]

When I was kid at a holiday gathering, I distinctly remember my uncle referred to me as Marilyn Munster in comparison to my immediate family. At the time, I didn't understand this reference. I just knew she was less interesting than the other characters in the show. Now that I'm older, I can actually see how her character was useful in providing a basis of comparison to how out-there the rest of the Munsters were. By no means am I calling myself normal. 'Normal' does not actually exist in nature. It is a relative term that requires two object or concept to be compared. I just think on the spectrum of personalities that is my immediate family, I fall into what would be considered the 'normal' range. 
It's hard to explain/keep my experience with PD ambiguous or anonymous because it is kind of unique.  The easy part is that my mom has HPD. The harder part is my dad. Let's just go with mental illness is his profession. This is a horrible simile, but I can't think of an easier way to explain it. It's like my mom is Hydra and my father is Hercules who is trying to protect my sibling and me by chopping off the heads. By chopping off heads, I don't mean he confronted her behavior. He mostly would teach us coping strategies or sublimation techniques to handle the anxiety of living with her. Then there is that sweet honeymoon period were the heads are gone, and we fall back into loving and trusting her. But as the story goes, the heads always grow back and the cycle continues.
I always knew there was something off growing up, I honestly just chalked it up to my mom being a b****.  Some people are just rude, right? I had no clue what hypomania was or manipulation or splitting or triggering. I just knew she was a horrible person to be around, and the best way to avoid emotional abuse was to not be around her. Now that I'm older and I'm educated on the topic through my own education and research, I can see her illness and what lengths my dad went to (and didn't go to) to protect us. To be honest, I don't know if it makes it any easier for me knowing.
I moved home to have more financial support as I pursued professional degree. To put it simple, it is rough. I recently learned a simple way to differential cluster B PDs form other mental illness, "Always the victim. Always the hero. Never the villain." With my mother, I find this very true. What sucks is if she is not villain, then someone else is the villain. And often that title gets put onto me since I am around the most. It's emotionally exhausting being blamed as the villain/constantly having to defend myself/constantly be on guard, all while I am pursuing something that will ultimately help me get out of this situation.
It is very weird putting this all down. I don't know if this will help me relieve tension or cause me to be more easily triggered by her behavior. I guess we'll find out.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

You are not alone in feeling exhausted by needing to defend yourself and always being on guard. The Marilyn Munster reference is a great visual that I never thought about before, but it certainly fits very well. It seems your uncle was clued into this a while ago which might be some small comfort to you. Congratulations on the clarity you are now beginning to grasp. I believe knowledge is indeed power and it will serve you well moving forward. Even if it is not what we want, I think it is far better than remaining in the dark. While you remain under the same roof, there are strategies that might help maintain your peace of mind. Your well being matters and your emotional safety does too. Simply not engaging in conversations can help, avoiding being in the same room, gray rock can all help to temporarily get through a situation until a longer term arrangement can be made. None of this is your fault. It sounds like you are on a good path. 

[athene1399]

Hey, 1 Thing. Welcome! Sorry you have to go through this and move back home. I think I'd rather live in a cardboard box than live back home. I am not exaggerating. You have a lot of courage.  You should be proud. You know how your M can be, yet you still moved back in for practical reasons.

Look up stuff in the tool box on the Out of the FOG site. Learning about JADEing was big for me. Grey rock and medium chill are great too. I leave a lot out when talking to M and just do small talk. It keeps it simple. I can't be called stupid if she doesn't know what I am up to. Like the "Why'd you do that? Don't you know...." I just stick to the weather or things I really won't take personally.

This site has helped me to be more self-aware. I'm a bit BPDish myself, so sometimes I like to check in to see if I am overreacting about something. Sometimes it's just great to vent. I have trouble grappling with the thought that my parents did the best they could and saw nothing wrong with their behaviors, yet treated me like garbage at times. Like it's not okay, but I do accept that's how they are. They will never see my point of view about anything, they will never side with me. Recently I've grieved for not having the parents I wished I could have. There were some great times. Why couldn't they all be like that? Writing it out helps me too.

I wish you luck on your journey. And good luck in school! I went back as well and have one year left.