First day of Kindergarten

eyesopen · July 29, 2019, 02:51:49 PM

A couple weeks ago, my uPDw sent me a link to a concert she wants to attend. I like the artist, so I asked her to get tickets and arrange a babysitter for DD5. She called her dad, my FIL, and he agreed to have our daughter at his house for the night.

Fast forward to yesterday, I was reviewing the calendar and noticed that the concert is the night before DD's first day of kindergarten. Not wanting her to miss such a memorable day because she's at her grandpa's house, I asked uPDw if her dad could watch DD at our house rather than his. She said he can't, so DD should just skip the first day and we can still go to the concert.

To me, DD's first day of kindergarten is way more important than any outing her mother and I could have. I declined to attend the concert, insisting that DD not miss her first day, but uPDw just said, "Thanks for letting me know. Now I can find someone else to go with."

Am I alone in thinking a kid's first day of elementary school is really important and memorable for them? More memorable and more important than her parents going to a concert the night before? I remember my first day, my mom dropping me off, and it was a meaningful day for me as a kid. I want my daughter to have good memories of her first day too.

It just baffles me, though it shouldn't at this point, that uPDw cares more about her own social life than her daughter starting kindergarten. And she teaches at the same school that DD will be attending!!

I can't make uPDw consider DD's needs before her own. I can't make her care about her daughter's childhood experiences. I don't think I'm even going to bring it up again because it'd be directly criticizing her as a mother (which is basically like intentionally stepping in a bear trap).

I think I'm just going to do everything I can for DD to make her day special and not bring it up with uPDw at all. Is that a reasonable choice? Should I say anything else to uPDw or leave it alone?

hhaw · July 29, 2019, 03:08:01 PM

DD's first day of school is more important, IMO.

My oldest DD's teacher had all the children show up with a fish, and they each poured them into a fish tank. It would have been unfortunate for my dd to miss that day. Children bond, and form friend groups. You don't want your child to be the uncomfortable child who's the only child who doesn't know anyone, or where anything is.

I would always make sure to spend a few minutes clueing the teachers in about my child, whatever was going on, on that first day. The first day is typically when parents sign up to volunteer. If you care about certain events, you'll be there, and make sure you get to the sign up sheet early.

Your instincts are good, and right, and should be the ones you trust.

athene1399 · July 30, 2019, 05:35:48 AM

I think it's great that you are going to make DD's first day memorable. As a parent, there will be many times where we have to put the kids' needs before our own. I have never felt that SO's BPDxw does this, and the few times she does it's only to make herself look good. I don't think you saying anything more to your uPDw will make her change her mind. But I am glad that you are able to put your child first and want to make this day special for her.

Arkhangelsk · July 30, 2019, 01:06:57 PM

I also would have prioritized the first day of kindergarten.

I think the fact that you made the choice to just go ahead and do so was wise and showed good boundary setting. A lot of people get caught up in working really hard to get the PD to join them in doing the right thing. (I certainly used to.....for WAY too long). You stayed focused on making your goal happen. Good work.

scapegoatnumerouno · July 31, 2019, 09:57:27 AM

In my opinion, this is a wow situation. Never would I have even considered impacting my childs first day of school...no matter what grade they were going into! Thank goodness she has one parent with a clear head and heart!

sevenyears · August 01, 2019, 01:36:23 PM

wow - agree with all the others. the first day of school/kindergarten is a big deal and it only happens once. Plus role modeling for children starts from day one. in my house, staying out late on a school (or kindergarten) night is a no go. the same goes for me. the only late nights are work-related events that can't be avoided. Bedtime on school nights is fixed. The children need to be well-rested the following day - every day. Your DD will appreciate your being there for her as she grows up.

eyesopen · September 09, 2019, 11:38:24 AM

The first day for DD has arrived and as expected, her mom went to the concert last night and created unnecessary drama. I, however, didn't let any of that drama affect me or our child.

My uBPDw went to the concert alone rather than finding a friend, which worked out fine. The drama came in the form of her fainting just before the show began. She was feeling anxious and overwhelmed by things (DD starting school, her own birthday this year making her feel old, being alone at the concert, plus a combo of THC edibles and beer), started feeling funny, then sat down and fainted. Thankfully she didn't fall and hurt herself and mostly just felt embarrassed by it all.

Meanwhile, DD and I had a great evening together. We made a birthday cake and wrapped presents for her mom, had a balanced dinner, packed her lunch for school, set out clothes to wear on her first day, gave her a bath, and got her to bed on time so she'd be well rested.

There's nothing I could do about uBPDw fainting or trying to make the whole evening about herself. I texted her a couple times, confirmed that she was handling her own mess, and I didn't spend an extra moment worrying or getting wrapped up in it. It was great!

Now today. DD is excited to be starting school, I had breakfast with her before going to work, and gave her a bunch of hugs. uBPDw got home around midnight and was really tired this morning, but I gave her a cup of coffee and a hug as I left.

I'm feeling really good about how all this turned out. I did what I needed/wanted to do and didn't let uBPDw's drama get in my head. DD is all set for a great first day of school. W is dealing with the consequences of her own choices, knows that I care about her, but doesn't seem to be grumpy or pouting that I didn't try to rescue her from her own drama.

hhaw · September 09, 2019, 02:12:57 PM

Lord, I hope your dd doesn't have to battle her mother for attention every time she hits a milestone. If so, you'll have to continue allowing w to deal with her consequences, as you did with the concert. She didn't call you to get help. She called you for attention, and that's worrisome, IMO. In any case, you seemed to handle it well. You'll likely get more pushback as time goes by, and w sees she doesn't have your attention the way she used to.

I enjoyed the rituals of preparing for school, planning and making lunches ahead.... little ghost samiches around Halloween.... kids picking out their own clothes the night before.... going to sleep clean in anticipation of another big day at school. I loved bedtime rituals at our house. Reading with one dd, and dancing around the room with the other. They were really different children. We made up funny names for foods that wouldn't otherwise be cool. Mud pie for Shepards Pie.... fish pee for Asian sauce.... princess chicken for chicken with greens in it... and so on. It sucks when kids at school begin making fun of avocado for instance(bc it's green) and your kids stop eating it, IME. I try to get out ahead of it.

BTW, did you sign up to help with any parties at school? Halloween is the best.

::nodding::.

Pumpkin cut out cookies for the class, decorated by you and your child.... priceless.

athene1399 · September 10, 2019, 06:08:38 AM

I am glad you and DD had a good time and uBPDw's drama didn't ruin anything.

I hope DD had a great first day!