Is it okay to still have hope?

[soccer23]

No one ever told me how hard it was going to be. No one said that when you are recovering from a mom with BPD and a sister with NPD that you basically lose your family. At least that's how its been in my case. I keep trying to distance myself and give them no information they can abuse me with however they has caused them to step up there games and now my only option is when I move out to completely cut them off in order to protect myself. Here is the issue with that though, even though it is extremely rare we still have good days. Some days it does feel like my family is truly normal and then its like a switch flips and the abuse starts again. I know it is healthiest to cut them off when I am on my own. It is just hard and it is not fair that they all love each other and I am the outcast. It is not fair that people get families that give a shit about them. Instead I have to grief the lose of my family, even though they are still alive. I will never have the family I want and I know that the hope will only hurt me more, it is just so hard right now.... I want a family.

[Gaining Clarity]

Soccer23,

I know it doesn't feel like it right now but it will get easier. The fact that you can openly acknowledge that you'll never have the family you deserve means that you are on the road to healing (just speaking from my own experience).

I'm not so sure that your family truly love each other. If they're PD-affected, chances are that they're more co-dependent/in the fog themselves rather than a truly loving, healthy bunch.

Focus on your own well being and trust that this difficult journey is moving you towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships with yourself and others.

[Amadahy]

Soccer23,



I've never felt a deeper hurt or sense of injustice than when I had to face that I'd never have the FOO I desperately craved.  What made it easier was (1) really coming to grasp that our wounded family members *cannot* love in healthy ways and (2) receiving talk and EMDR therapy to heal the trauma from their abuse.  It still hurts, but it hurts less as time goes on.

We're here when you need to share.

[Cat of the Canals]

I think those glimmers of hope are totally normal. I had them myself a lot the first few months. I still get them here and there.

When I'm completely honest, I know it isn't really hope, though. It's wishful thinking, at best. Or a pretty fantasy. Because what I imagine in my head is basically a fairy godmother coming down and waving her wand in front of my mother and transforming her into a normal mom. That's what it would take to make her normal. I don't think she'd ever go to therapy. She has too much denial. Too many layers of defense mechanisms. She has never admitted doing wrong. And if she can't do that, she can't change.

[Ariel]

Let me just say how sorry I am that you are hurt. I wish you had a normal family and were not on this board. I wish I had the family I hoped for. It really is a grieving process. There are " good" days. However bit seems the more you realize what is happening the less good days there are. When you move out ,if you want to see them have a person to protect you. I always found that a person outside the family kept the family on good behavior. So bring a trusted friend. Or go to  public places ,keep it short.  Have an out, like I can only stay for a little bit I have to be somewhere. It takes time, a lot of time. But love yourself,put you first.