"My childhood abuse was worse than yours! So your suffering doesn't count!"

Writingthepain · July 30, 2019, 09:33:52 AM

Or words to that effect is what my npd mom recently claimed. Yes she had an abusive childhood but she also passed that abuse on to me. But in her mind because she was physically beaten and I wasn't (as much) this means that my childhood was fine and that I don't have the right to complain about it. Because after all she didn't beat me with a chain like her father did so therefore she was a great mother and yes she made some "mistakes" (which is her term for the years of emotional and mental torture she put me through) but she treated me much better than her own father!
Also when I was a new born she decided I would get all the love in the world. This resolution didn't last long at all but the fact that she made it means in her mind that all her abuse of me was cancelled out.

moglow · July 30, 2019, 10:05:49 AM

I'm sorry your mother tries that on you, WTP. Comparisons like that serve no one, do they? It feels as if she's trying to justify herself rather than right [or at least apologize for] the obvious wrongs. I get that there's no manual handed out to new parents [mine once used that excuse, that "we didn't know then what we do now!] but it would seem that common sense would kick in at some point?

Mine's tried to excuse much the same way, as "mistakes" and "you just don't know what I was going through - it's all about you!" No recognition that as the parent she had obligations ... I don't know - the fact that your children avoided you from a very young age didn't indicate a problem?

I wish I had words of wisdom for you, some guidance to help you through. I do understand your frustrations though. All I can do is encourage you to keep writing it out, getting it out in the light of day so you can let it go.

athene1399 · July 30, 2019, 11:55:05 AM

She's saying since she abused you less, your abuse doesn't matter.

Abuse is abuse. I am very sorry she is using this as an excuse to invalidate what you are feeling and what you have been through .

Call Me Cordelia · July 30, 2019, 12:07:14 PM

My NF took the same tactic. He put in writing that his own parents were/are severely dysfunctional but he still is a dutiful son to them. So he has every right to expect the same from me, regardless of any "mistakes" and "not being perfect" on my parents' part. He also said "We did not abuse" even though I never accused him of that.

Could it not be plausible that your dysfunctional childhood affected your ability to be a good parent? Apparently that never occurred to him.

Maybe his parents were worse. So what? A good parent would be focused on the good of their child, and not what they believe they deserve from their children.

Andeza · July 30, 2019, 06:14:28 PM

This is why I've never really tried to confront my M about the abuse. I really don't care to hear her try to rewrite history, minimize my suffering, and predictably launch into how horrible her own childhood abuse was.

We know what we suffered. Another person's suffering does not make ours less real or painful.

2_exhausted · July 30, 2019, 06:22:35 PM

My uBPDm's favorite line, "You were never hit.". No, I was not.......I was emotionally & verbally abused constantly, devalued, treated as if I did not exist, raged at, etc...........
Unreal..... Her idea of a mistake is when she informed me "it was YOUR fault, you were raped, you asked for it". Yeah, her mistake she could not control her words. I know what she thought. These people make me sick....

xXcenobyteXx · July 30, 2019, 06:36:54 PM

This REALLY struck a nerve for me. I am so, so sorry you had to hear that ignorant drivel.

My mother has said similar things about her own parental abuse vs mine (I wasn't "abused" I was "disciplined", in her mind).

I had a very recent incident of this "mine was worse" malarky: when I was a minor I was sexually assaulted, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. There was a court hearing, my mom had to attend, the guy plead guilty and was sentenced to 7 months in prison. I remember having the police call me to let me know he had been released and I lived in fear until he died from AIDS when I turned 18. It was never an open discussion with my family, it was just swept under the rug and forgotten. I had to learn to heal on my own and felt very alone.

I'm in my 30's now and in recent months my mom broke down in tears to tell me about her own molestation when she was a kid in full detail. At this point I didn't know what to do with that information. I'm uncomfortable around emotions (I was raised on tough love) and my first thoughts were "why didn't you tell me this when I was going through it so we could have bonded over it, I could have healed better and faster knowing I wasn't alone? Why are you telling me this now, after all these years? After my wounds are healed?" But before I could say much, she made sure to tell me, "what I went through was 10x worse than what you went through."

You cannot compare the sufferings of one human to the next. It is absolutely outrageous what she said to you. I'm sorry for all you've dealt with, and continue to deal with.

Duck · July 30, 2019, 10:29:34 PM

I've been subjected to similar, but not just from my pdF. My enM has lectured me about how hard my pdF's childhood was, so so so harder than mine. I think she was trying to silence me by excusing my dad's behavior and denying me any room to complain about my own pain.

Call Me Cordelia · July 31, 2019, 05:47:16 AM

Mommy, he's yelling at me again!

Meaning raging for several minutes, over something extremely minor.

He's under so much stress, you have no idea what his boss is like, and he does it, all for us, every single day so the least we can do is be respectful of him. And his mother just called again and he spoke to his father too they always upset him. Have a little compassion. He had a miserable childhood, nothing like yours. His yelling is nothing compared what grandpa would do to him

I was six or seven.

TriedTooHard · July 31, 2019, 05:50:45 AM

What terrible words to have to hear from anyone. While reading this thread I think how awful this is and no one should put up with this, or feel guilty about walking away and letting the PDs suffer the consequences of their words and actions. Then I remember that I've been trained to put up with various forms of this.

None of us deserve this!

Lillith65 · July 31, 2019, 08:25:23 AM

My uPDM made similar comments about her being widowed compared to my own horrible experiences in the same year. My FOO insisted that I was exaggerating if I ever tried to talk about what went on in our childhood. I am NC with them now.

2_exhausted · August 01, 2019, 06:24:22 PM

Lilith,

My father died suddenly from a heart attack when I was 11 years old ~ making UBPD mom a widow, me an orphan. He was primary parent. He did love me & took an interest in me....not her.... I am an only child, so I was really alone....the furniture was not coming to life to take care or console "child 2exhausted". She played that poor me, widow, every chance she had.

And about the rape, I calmly state, " do you want to hear how it occurred? How enjoyable was it for him to #@-*, :.......You know since I 'asked for it'". UBPD M just makes her twisted face....

Ariel · August 02, 2019, 12:38:46 AM

I am so sorry you had to deal with this. Apparently this is an excuse they all use. My mom said her mother beat her worse and she never put up a hand to block or defend herself. If I tried to grab her hand to stop her, it was said I hit her. And I had to apologize. So sad.
I never hit my kids. I never put them down or raged. I was very conscious of my actions. Oh and when I finally told them I was as sexually assaluted on a date, it was my fault. So it's not right. I think they know it. Either way you don't and shouldn't have to deal with it. You don't say if you are living with her.