My bff's partner trying to get my attention

[blacksheep7]

Hi all

My bff of 30 yrs lives four hours away from me but with new technology/cell  phones, we're able to talk every day if we chose, which we do more or less.  I am nc with FOO so she has been my everything, all ears and support for me.  I must say she comes from a dysfunctional family also, her father an alcoholic so we understand and try to grow together, helping each other out the best we can.  She is my soul sister.

Her live in partner has been with her for 15 years, the first ones very rocky, on and off type relationship. They mostly lived each in their own home until say 3 years.  He is on medication because is not mentally stable with out it, having had a rough childhood. 

I don't know him that well, met him a few times but I got to know what he is like mostly from my bff.  My bff has been in crisis practically every other week because of her step daughter, a narc.  My bff came Out of the FOG after a grave car accident last year, so you get the picture, does not tolerate abuse any longer.

I wanted to put you in context, thank you for bearing with me.    Here it is,  her bf keeps sending me messages on Facebook.  He started a couple of months ago, sending funny pictures or videos, 2 or three which I had liked.   I am very low profile on Facebook now.   After that, because of what my bff told me, I see it as him trying to get my attention, I stopped going to look when I got the email.  He portrays himself as the good guy, funny type to everyone around him and wants desperately to be liked....I'm not interested, I remain polite friendly towards him but that's it.  It was his bday yesterday so I told my bff to wish him a happy birthday.  As soon as he gets my attention, a message.

I've been in this type of a relationship before being friends with both and when they were in conflict, each one would call me.  I had a talk with that boyfriend  that he needed to get support from someone else, one of his friends as this put me in an awkward position.

Back to the present one....I'm surprised he didn't asked me to be friends which I will not accept, I'm not afraid of saying no, now.  I just ignore the demands.
I told my bff first time after a couple of messages sent,  she told me some story about her bf's son going on his fbook and that it might be him...I let it at that.   I told her again and said, wouldn't you find it weird if my dh would do that?  I mean we're  very close friends but not with our partners. 

It's getting too close for comfort.    I do not want to be his friend.

He sent me a video this morning which I did look at. I have ignored it the last few times.

Do I tell her, or do I just overlook it again?

[all4peace]

I'd suggest continuing to ignore his messages,  unopened. Good luck!

[clara]

Am I reading this correctly that, while he's been with her for 15 years and living with her for 3, he just recently started messaging you?  If he's on medication, it could be that his medication needs adjusting as this behavior isn't normal for him.  That's one possibility, and not one you can directly address because telling your friend, hey, you bf might be off his meds likely wouldn't go over well.  It's possible she suspects it, as  well, which is why she's trying to find alternative explanations.  It's also possible the explanation she gave you might be true, but it's more likely she's becoming defensive over her bf's behavior, which is a normal reaction.  All of a sudden, he's messaging you and wanting to attract you, something he's not done before.  Something is going on.  It could also be as you suspected--he's looking for an ally over some issue he has with your friend.  He could be trying to be friends with you in order to eventually get you on his "side" when something happens between them. 

Of all the possibilities, I personally would suspect the latter.  He's been on his meds for a long time now, why all of a sudden would there be a problem causing him to act like this?  And the excuse about his son kind of sounds like an excuse--a rationale.  It's something she wants to believe because she doesn't want to consider the alternative.  So if that leaves the last explanation as the most likely (and that's just my take, I could be entirely wrong) then trouble is brewing and he's trying to get you involved.  Your instinct to keep your distance is your gut talking to you.  I think the best course would be to continue ignoring his messages, give no response.  A person without an agenda would read your signals and stop.  They'd see there's no point in continuing.  A person with an agenda, however, won't want to stop and will persist.  But even they will eventually tire of it and give up, because you have the advantage of distance between you.  In any event, I don't think talking to your friend will result in anything other than hurt feelings (on her part) because she could read it as you making some kind of accusation against her bf.  They've been together a long time, there's a reason for that, so she's likely to become defensive.  Maybe wait to see if she brings up anything about him, otherwise act like he's not in your picture (he's in hers but that doesn't automatically include him in yours!)

[blacksheep7]

Clara, thank you for your response, I really appreciate it.

Quote:  He could be trying to be friends with you in order to eventually get you on his "side" when something happens between them. 

That is my take on it also, wanting me on his side.  I also think that it bothers him that I don't react, taking it as if I don't like him/ his inner insecurities, self-esteem.

This is his normal behavior making sure he has a big happy family with his children & step children as friends but they don't get along and my bff told him to let it be.   Abnormal behavior is when he can't manage his emotions and goes haywire over everything.

I do know that he is not trying to attract me sexually.

I won't say anything to my bff, I'll leave it at that.

[blacksheep7]

all4peace,

Thank you.  It is the best thing to do.  He even tries to get my attention while during the conversations on the phone, making comments or a joke to what we are talking about, so now it's usually when he's not present.
Bff understood that part of him.

I made a mistake in my first post.   I wrote that I had looked at the video that he sent me this morning.
I did not watch the video.