Dealing with the person not arguing/being nice

[p123]

Dad undoubtedly over the years has done some awful things and continues to do so. The hardest thing is having argument with him about it. He just acts nice to your face.

He tries it on. I say no. He backs down immediately or puts his martyr head on. No arguing. (A week later hes doing the same though)

I tell him I'm really not happy. He gets upsets, apologies, tells me hes disappointed he did this. Again, a week later hes doing the same.

He says something. His best one "Can you make an effort to visit me this weekend?". I tell him there is no need to blackmail me,  I will visit but he needs to realise I have other commitments. He'll back down immediately. Week later - you guessed.

All these things have built up over the years. Hes forgotten or swept it under the rug never to be mentioned again. In his mind its all in the past. He doesn't realise my wife can't stand him (and I don't blame her).

How do you get past this? Hes not nasty to me, he comes across as just a sweet helpless old man but his actions prove that hes not. If he was nasty to my face I could shout back but he doesn't. Maybe hes clever and knows to get his way hes got to keep me onside and then push for what he wants.

[Hazy111]

The problem for you is that the genies now out of the bottle.

You have a rough idea what he suffers from and that it probably wont improve. Hes like my Dad, hes gone through life not be being outright rude most of the time , but with family he is cunning and manipulative. Hes guilting you, using all the playbook techniques and youve got thousands of years of culture and society bullshit about honoring they mother and father. The guilt is enormous i know.

Hes not nasty directly to you , cos hes playing you as he needs you as he gets older. He cant afford to upset you but he doesnt mind doing it to your wife. Thats his true nature right there. He doesnt really care about your needs. I was seeing a girlfriend for atime who i used to visit every weekend. Back in the days when he used to call me every day ( i know i put up with this BS), he always asked me on a Tuesday or Wednesday whether i was visiting X this weekend. He always referred to the place where she lived never her name (How about that for contempt) . He was always hoping for me to say no so he could "suggest/imply" a visit to him. I now think he got all the various Sports channels on his TV (he never had them when he lived with my mother) another bait to lure me.

Ive been NC with mine for a few months now and the phone calls have eventually stopped now for a couple of months. Agh i thought hes accepted the situation. 

  Then the last two days hes attempted to contact with consecutive daily calls.(I dont answer) It didnt take long to work it out. My sister who lives very close to him and gives him his "supply" has gone on holiday and now he needs me to replace it.  Its not that he desperately wants to reconnect and have a deep meaningful relationship with his son before he dies, no hes run out of  "supply " for the next two weeks. Its so bleedin obvious once you understand how the narcissistic mind works. 

[p123]

The problem for you is that the genies now out of the bottle.

You have a rough idea what he suffers from and that it probably wont improve. Hes like my Dad, hes gone through life not be being outright rude most of the time , but with family he is cunning and manipulative. Hes guilting you, using all the playbook techniques and youve got thousands of years of culture and society bullshit about honoring they mother and father. The guilt is enormous i know.

Hes not nasty directly to you , cos hes playing you as he needs you as he gets older. He cant afford to upset you but he doesnt mind doing it to your wife. Thats his true nature right there. He doesnt really care about your needs. I was seeing a girlfriend for atime who i used to visit every weekend. Back in the days when he used to call me every day ( i know i put up with this BS), he always asked me on a Tuesday or Wednesday whether i was visiting X this weekend. He always referred to the place where she lived never her name (How about that for contempt) . He was always hoping for me to say no so he could "suggest/imply" a visit to him. I now think he got all the various Sports channels on his TV (he never had them when he lived with my mother) another bait to lure me.

Ive been NC with mine for a few months now and the phone calls have eventually stopped now for a couple of months. Agh i thought hes accepted the situation. 

  Then the last two days hes attempted to contact with consecutive daily calls.(I dont answer) It didnt take long to work it out. My sister who lives very close to him and gives him his "supply" has gone on holiday and now he needs me to replace it.  Its not that he desperately wants to reconnect and have a deep meaningful relationship with his son before he dies, no hes run out of  "supply " for the next two weeks. Its so bleedin obvious once you understand how the narcissistic mind works. 

Think you've hit the nail on the head there. Hes never ever nasty because he needs to keep me on side as you say.
I get that too. Implying that I should be visiting him unless I've got things I can't get out of.

Oh yes, I fully agree. I'm there as his "backup" policy to look after him when he can't manage or do things for him. Hes already hinting about brother holiday in a few weeks that "he doesn't know what hes going to do when hes away". No I aint filling in.

Same when I'm away late August - he was "oh thats ok its not the same time as your brother".

As you say, he just needs a supplier......

Brother is playing the Flying Monkey at the moment. Carry on. We don't speak any more which suits me so he can carry on as he likes. Dad seems to be attaching himself to him more than me recently - probably because I've refused a few times.