Coworker with no boundaries

[mimzy]

I need to check in with everyone. I'll keep the details brief. A coworker of mine (let's call her sue) - same level/peer - is not responding well to a conversation I felt led to have with her two days ago. I heard that she brought up my name to 2 other coworkers and inferred that I said something untoward to them.(i did not do this.) When I heard this, I went to her and told her what I heard. I was visibly upset but stressed that I didn't know it was true but if it was I asked her to come to me first before mentioning possible falsities to my colleagues. Turns out, it wasn't true and sue did t do it., I admitted that I had overreacted and we hugged. I thought the conversation ended on a good note.

Next day, I said hello to her and asked how she was doing. Big mistake. She said she couldn't sleep last night because of me "accusing her" and she never thought that I would think so ill of her as to confront her with so much anger.

In a nutshell I told her that I hoped she could recover from this, wished her peace and walked away.

I was furious because of the heavy, emotional stuff she attempted to dump on me. I called my sponsor on my break (I have been in recovery in a 12 step program for the past 12 years) told her what happened and underscored that I had already made an amends to this woman but that she was insisting on going backwards. My sponsor agreed And encouraged me to let it go.

I am at an all day work event today and I'm Anticipating iciness and possible hoovering from her. She is a huge trigger for me because she reminds me of my UBPD mother who I have been no contact with for nearly 18 months.

In an effort to protect myself from this coworker today, I resolve to practice kindness and then detachment. If she brings up the past I will kindly let her know that I wish to move on and i am unable to speak about this again. If she brings it up, I will leave the conversation.

Would appreciate support, suggestions, positive vibes when anyone has a chance .

[SerenityCat]

 

Support and understanding sent your way.

You already have good plans. I'd add that anything you can do for healthy distraction may be helpful. Keep giving your mind other things to occupy it.

In my own experience, it can take me awhile to recover, even physically, from an emotional blow out, Sleep, food, water, exercise, and something else to think about works wonders.

[mimzy]

Thank you, Serenity cat. I really appreciate your note and suggestions.

Support and understanding sent your way.

You already have good plans. I'd add that anything you can do for healthy distraction may be helpful. Keep giving your mind other things to occupy it.

In my own experience, it can take me awhile to recover, even physically, from an emotional blow out, Sleep, food, water, exercise, and something else to think about works wonders.

[clara]

Actually, you're both victims here--you were led to believe she was telling others of something negative you'd said about them, when in reality you had neither said those things and nor was she the one who'd made the claim.  Both of  you were involved in an incident neither of you had anything to do with.  This is troubling in and of itself, because who would've started such talk?

A lot of people, not just PDs, like to believe what they want to believe.  Obviously, she's decided to believe the worst about you, without considering why you would justifiably be upset over a situation like this.  She should really be upset not at you, but at the implication made against her.  That she can't see this indicates she wants to place all of her bad feelings on you, and that sounds like projection.  I don't know but it's possible she is absolutely capable of saying such things, maybe has in the past, maybe not about you but about others etc. and her over-reaction comes from a place of guilt.  In that case, there's no getting through to her, no reasoning.  She's made up her mind.  Since you have to work with her, all you can do is gray rock her and avoid any non-work interactions.  Hopefully, she'll get the hint.  Show others that you're moving past and above it.  For awhile you might have to fake it, which is energy-draining, but it time it will come naturally.  While the incident may never be forgotten, the pain and hurt will go away and in time you'll start feeling compassion for the co-worker who won't let go of the pain and hurt.  I once worked with someone like this--a narc but not PD, and she was an emotional wrecking ball when it came to her "righteous" anger at others, even in situations she caused and she knew deep down she caused.  Now I feel nothing but pity for her because she can't and won't change (how can she when she doesn't ever examine her own behavior?) and will go through life in such a state.  But that was her decision.  Your decision is to move forward, seek help for problems, try to understand them, try to find solutions.  I guarantee your co-worker is doing none of that! 

[mimzy]

Actually, you're both victims here--you were led to believe she was telling others of something negative you'd said about them, when in reality you had neither said those things and nor was she the one who'd made the claim.  Both of  you were involved in an incident neither of you had anything to do with.  This is troubling in and of itself, because who would've started such talk?

A lot of people, not just PDs, like to believe what they want to believe.  Obviously, she's decided to believe the worst about you, without considering why you would justifiably be upset over a situation like this.  She should really be upset not at you, but at the implication made against her.  That she can't see this indicates she wants to place all of her bad feelings on you, and that sounds like projection.  I don't know but it's possible she is absolutely capable of saying such things, maybe has in the past, maybe not about you but about others etc. and her over-reaction comes from a place of guilt.  In that case, there's no getting through to her, no reasoning.  She's made up her mind.  Since you have to work with her, all you can do is gray rock her and avoid any non-work interactions.  Hopefully, she'll get the hint.  Show others that you're moving past and above it.  For awhile you might have to fake it, which is energy-draining, but it time it will come naturally.  While the incident may never be forgotten, the pain and hurt will go away and in time you'll start feeling compassion for the co-worker who won't let go of the pain and hurt.  I once worked with someone like this--a narc but not PD, and she was an emotional wrecking ball when it came to her "righteous" anger at others, even in situations she caused and she knew deep down she caused.  Now I feel nothing but pity for her because she can't and won't change (how can she when she doesn't ever examine her own behavior?) and will go through life in such a state.  But that was her decision.  Your decision is to move forward, seek help for problems, try to understand them, try to find solutions.  I guarantee your co-worker is doing none of that!

Hi Clara, thanks for taking the time to reply. Yes, I agree she was also a victim and I must admit the temptation to take that on my shoulders is very, very strong especially since she recently gave me a bunch of her baby stuff (stroller, car seat and maternity clothes) because I'm currently pregnant and she says she no longer has any use for any of the stuff. I'm twisting all of this up and doing what I'm afraid I was programmed to do in my upbringing by my ubpd mother which is if somebody gives you a bunch of material items, you shouldn't then feel free to turn around and give them feedback or let them know when if  they've hurt you. In other words, my mother used material possessions to emotionally blackmail me. So now I feel guilty for raising a sticky and uncomfortable topic with this colleague, especially  when it ended up not being true. I believe it was another peer/colleague who started the rumor and I'm not sure why. In the end, it really doesn't matter because it's done and as you say the only I can do now is grey rock. She came up to me yesterday and started love bombing me saying that it's so awesome that I sent out a work notice to get some trash emptied out of a receptacle that had been full for a week. (really? That's just what colleagues do.) At any rate, it felt manipulative and gross. Part of me thought to myself, maybe she's just trying to make nice but I just don't trust those intentions of hers. I'm on vacation all of this upcoming week and so grateful for the time away from this static. It's hard to detach from someone who has been a victim but who might be refusing to see her  part in all of this.

[clara]

With this additional information, her behavior starts sounding more like PD.  First the gifting to you, which PDs do in order to get you into their debt and make you feel obligated, and then the love bombing after she went overboard with her accusations of how much you'd hurt her.  I wouldn't say the gifting is necessarily part of the PD because some people do this with the same intention of acquiring your indebtedness, but combined with the love bombing I'm very suspicious.  It's the extremes of behavior that raise the red flags, and I would also be very wary of her and suspect her motives.  Staying as far from her as possible, acknowledging her politely (but somewhat indifferently) when she approaches you, keeping interactions work-related and work-related only, seem the best approaches.  I wouldn't be surprised if she gets angry with your failure to "respond" to her overtures, but that's on her.  Don't take responsibility for her behavior (she'll probably attempt to guilt you into doing so)--you're not a receptacle for her to dump her issues into.  Hopefully, she'll move on (and in my experiences with PDs at work, they generally do probably because there are always other people around as easier targets).   

[Wilderhearts]

Next day, I said hello to her and asked how she was doing. Big mistake. She said she couldn't sleep last night because of me "accusing her" and she never thought that I would think so ill of her as to confront her with so much anger.

It's hard to detach from someone who has been a victim but who might be refusing to see her  part in all of this.

I had a recent experience somewhat like this with a friend who in some ways is emotionally immature.  She screwed up majorly - broke my trust in a way that's limited our friendship.  I said, "maybe you thought or did X or Y or Z (or weren't thinking) in order for this to happen" and, like your coworker, she was "so hurt" that I could possibly think she think/could do XYZ.  We then established that she had in fact done Y.   

I think in both cases, the individual's idea of how you perceive them is more important to them than how their behaviour affected you.  With pwPDs, they can only perceive themselves as they think others see them - they need you to reflect something to them that gives them a positive sense of self.  You can't do that when you're hurt or asking them to be accountable. 

I can't remember the exact words but another poster once said something like "they don't care how you feel - they care how your feelings make them feel."  You being hurt is never about you, it's all about them. (One of my go-to lines now when someone's playing the victim is "if that's the way you feel, that's the way you feel," i.e., I'm not accepting the responsibility for your feelings and I'm not going to try and manage your feelings for you.")

[mimzy]

"I can't remember the exact words but another poster once said something like "they don't care how you feel - they care how your feelings make them feel."  You being hurt is never about you, it's all about them. (One of my go-to lines now when someone's playing the victim is "if that's the way you feel, that's the way you feel," i.e., I'm not accepting the responsibility for your feelings and I'm not going to try and manage your feelings for you.")"

Wilderhearts, thank you. That's very good and helpful for me to remember. Yes, I definitely am picking up on the fact that she doesn't care how I feel, merely how my feelings makes her feel. In some ways, I feel for her. She moved from a country in South Asia to the West years ago but still (naturally)encounters learning curves when it comes to acclimating to the culture here and I can tell that she struggles with feeling like a minority. She's very devoted to her religion and adheres to praying 5 times a day - several times at work. I believe that her coming to terms with being a minority leads her to "play both sides", i.e. she cozies up to the VP who is in charge of managing our schedules, work load, etc. They are often seen having lunch together and some folks have speculated that she trades giving information to the VP - chatter she hears from her peers on the floor - for getting "special treatment", i.e. being shielded from any negative feedback her bosses might be inclined to give her, thereby protecting her job. She then tries to cozy up with peers, take them out to lunch, pay for the lunch and act as though she's on your side. Several people know, however, that, given the set of circumstances with the VP, she is not to be trusted. I've managed to "live and let live" until recently. I think it's best to stay away but it's extremely uncomfortable due to the fact that she's very perceptive and thinks it's ok to go up to someone and ask, "Are you mad at me?" when nothing out of the ordinary has occurred. Which I find to be controlling and invasive.

[mimzy]

Staying as far from her as possible, acknowledging her politely (but somewhat indifferently) when she approaches you, keeping interactions work-related and work-related only, seem the best approaches.  I wouldn't be surprised if she gets angry with your failure to "respond" to her overtures, but that's on her.  Don't take responsibility for her behavior (she'll probably attempt to guilt you into doing so)--you're not a receptacle for her to dump her issues into.  Hopefully, she'll move on (and in my experiences with PDs at work, they generally do probably because there are always other people around as easier targets).

Clara - this is definitely the opinion that I share as well. But I also fear her retaliating for me going "gray rock". Like you mention, that's not my responsibility and, hopefully, she'll move on.

[Wilderhearts]

This is really sounding like covert narcissism to me, Mimzy.  There's an extreme need to be liked, backstabbing manipulation, playing the victim, emotional fragility and hypersensitivity/inability to not take others' actions personally.  If you start seeing resentful and/or passive aggressive behaviour on top of all this, I would say that seals the deal.

This is the hard thing about grey rock for me - it doesn't mean being stone cold.  You do actually need to be friendly, but you also need to be boring and evasive (i.e., you're speaking without giving them any actual information).  Check out the tool box for great one-liners.

On another note...your workplace environment sounds toxic, not to mention really unprofessional.  The management maintains control through encouraging people to spread rumours and rat on each other?  It sounds like they don't promote respectful communication. This kind of place enables and perpetuates toxic behaviours from pwPDs, and it can spread like wildfire.  Be mindful of the amount of toxic stress that this place is causing you - my experience with toxic people/pwPDs and toxic work places is that they only get worse over time.

[mimzy]

Thanks so much Wilderhearts.  I will check those out.

Yes, it definitely is getting worse. And, aside from staying away from the gossip as much as possible, I am at a loss as to what to do. Going to HR is not an option because I don't feel led to. In my past experience, HR does nothing and stamps your record as if you were a snitch. I prefer to not give them the upper hand like that. I have mentally explored the possibility of starting a union but I have my doubts that my peers would A) Keep it quiet and B) Have my back when push comes to shove. They are too scared and content to gossip about the problems. I'm going on maternity leave in December. Perhaps the levy will break while I'm away. Would love it if the bad apples would leave or get fired.