not sure if we should investigate more

Started by athene1399, August 01, 2019, 11:57:48 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

athene1399

SD is at her college orientation today. BM called up SO this morning, freaking out that she couldn't get SD on the phone. BM said her mother was supposed to drive SD to the university, but had the wrong date so SD doesn't have a ride. BM also said last night SD was so upset and crying becasue she didn't even want to go. Then BM kept saying how she was worried that SD wasn't answering the phone. SO asked her "Do you mean you are afraid she will hurt herself?" and BM said "IDK". So SO called SD and she didn't answer, but she called right back. She was sleeping. Also, she was calling her brother for a ride and got there just fine. She was texting me and it sounded like she was having a good time.

But do you think BM was worried SD would hurt herself because she was viewing the situation through her BPD lens? Or do you think there's a real issue there? or was she just trying to cause drama with SO (he has PTSD from BM's suicide attempts while they were married). I don't want to make a mountain of a molehill. I don't know if BM was lying. When SO talked to SD he said she was fine. When SD texted me she was fine. I feel at the very least I should check in and just say "this must feel overwhelming at times, but look at how good you're doing so far! You got this!" But now BM has planted the suicide seed in my head. Or is BM thinking of suicide because it's on her mind? I'm not sure what to make of this or if I should try to make anything out of it.

Penny Lane

It's been a minute since I was starting college but I seem to remember having tons of friends with overprotective parents who freaked out if they couldn't get their kid on the phone that minute. I think one parent of a person in my dorm called the police? Combine that with PD traits in BM and I would say ... you should worry a lot less than you think you can. SD is an adult now and she's going to be doing her own thing way more than before!

So no, don't worry about something like suicide unless you see or hear something that concerns you otherwise. If you check in keep it light - "hope it's going great! I'm thinking of you!" Basically do the opposite of what BM would do. And hopefully SO won't let her get into his head like that in the future. Because a college freshman is going to quickly tire of "are you dead or what" calls, you know?

In short, she's fine, you're fine, it's a weird transition time but don't let BM make you more anxious than you already are!

athene1399

Thank you, Penny. That's what I was thinking. And
QuoteBasically do the opposite of what BM would do.
Is great advice. I don't want to be overbearing. My mother was like that and it drove me crazy. It really helps me to think twice before I text SD. I'm sure BM texts her constantly and I don't want to be like that.

I basically said to her that this may feel overwhelming sometimes, but that I'm proud of her for getting out of her comfort zone and that I know she will do great. She said things were going well and she was enjoying the orientation. I figured I will leave her alone today unless she texts me first.

SO probably won't get over the PTSS without therapy. When we were in court with BM, I was having trouble sleeping so went down to the couch because it looked like he was actually sleeping. He woke up in a panic thinking I was going to kill myself. I thought it would be fine because we weren't fighting or anything, but he still freaked out a bit. The next time I slept on the couch because the window was banging in the wind I texted him to tell him what I was doing and he was fine with that. I guess BM would attempt suicide and then text him but would be hiding somewhere. He'd have to get the police out looking for her and try to find her himself. I think that happened five times while they were together. But he did say to me yesterday "I need to stop letting her get me fired up like that." I think she just knows how to make him anxious. I think she does the same thing to SD.

It's kind of like what we were talking about recently in other threads, BM creates all these issues in SD's mind and gets her worked up about it. Then we find out about it and are like "We will get it worked out, don't worry" and it usually is an easy fix. BM just knows how to get in peoples heads. It's like her anxiety is contagious. We're not dealing with the "Dad caused this problem and it's his fault you can't do x" anymore, but now it's "OMG you can't do x and the world is going to end and your life will be ruined." We're trying to give SD the skills to work through the anxiety and to know it will work out, but it's a slow process. I feel we've made no progress. Maybe that's because she's been living with BM since end of Oct. There's been a few times (like yesterday) where SO and I were like "If SD spent the night with us, this wouldn't have been a problem." That gets frustrating.

Arkhangelsk

I have a PTSD diagnosis because of my interactions with my ex-husband.

EMDR therapy is amazing.  Has your SO looked into trauma-informed therapy?  Traumatized people are hard to live with.  But I really feel like I have been making huge progress lately.

Great advice, as always Penny Lane.

athene1399

I've heard great things about EMDR. I will have to mention it to him. He may be interested. 

Stepping lightly

I agree with the others, sounds like BM needed a way to get SO's attention now that SD will be going to college.  I would largely ignore BM's chaos, go as NC as you can.

FtheFOG


"I would largely ignore BM's chaos, go as NC as you can."

+1 for that...

athene1399

SL & FtheFOG (love the name btw), I didn't even think that with SD moving out that BM would need a new source of supply and is probably going to try to use SO for that. It's probably just about time we queue the hospital visits and random diseases as she self diagnoses. It's been quiet since this incident, but that was just one overnight stay for SD. SD moves into her dorm an a couple weeks, so I guess we should expect more crazy behavior from BM. I'll have to tell SO to ignore it best he can. He usually never responds to the hospital visit texts. Maybe that's why BM tried a new angle.

Stepping lightly

Yep- just be prepared.  It doesn't always help when it starts happening, but somehow at least knowing what it is minimizes your engaging the chaos.  We but contact with BM, and she became creative in ways to jab at DH.  It is mostly through the kids, but she'll do things like I posted a few weeks ago about signing DSS up for a support group for boys without fathers....that's her way of hitting DH without being able to directly contact him. 


athene1399

You are right, SL. We're so used to how she normally does things I think she's doing a change-up on us. When she talks about her problems SO doesn't respond anymore, so maybe she realized if it's about SD he will respond and she will get the attention she wants. We did anticipate things getting crazy this summer, but I still didn't see this as an attention attempt. That's why I love running things by you guys. An outside perspective is always helpful. :)