Golden child and scapegoat

[Breadroll]

Since separation over two years ago- so so relieved - exh has divided the the children ( older teens) into golden child and scapegoat. I honestly didn't anticipate it, although should have as it runs in his family.
Very manipulating, he threw away scapegoats bed, has not provided a bedroom or even a key to house, and- through the grapevine I hear that «  breadroll makes  it difficult for me to see scapegoat » . It's so upside down - he basically removes all support, has completely refused to pay child support, doesn't even provide a key to house and then blames me!  Note that scapegoat may do as they wish, as they drive- but is not invited and is left out of holidays, anything really.
I think what really gets to me is how many people believe this stuff and project it back into me, including golden child. Golden child believes he spends half time with ex, but in fact spends only 20 per cent.  It's as if ex can mesmerize People. If I make a comment about reality - and sound frustrated - there is a silence and an implication that I am somehow responsible for the situation.  Feeling really rough about it, working, got out barely intact, ex is wealthy, hidden assets, tax free income, and partner is lawyer ( of course).
Am practicing no contact, and sucking it all up, trying best to be sane parent. Am tired. And probably said to much of this insanity to others- which has made me look mad.

[Breadroll]

The aspect which most concerns me the effect on scapegoat- who understandably lacks confidence and craves a normal relationship with exh. I tend to be softer on scapegoat, - otherwise two parents abandoning- which turn can lead to me being accused of being «  not letting go ». How to get around this?

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Breadroll,

We actually have the issue with BM having a GC/SG as well.  It used to rotate every 6 months, but because fixed about 3 years ago with DSS taking on the SG roll.  BM has primary custody, and she and the GC gang up on SG and bully him.  He's really struggling.  The crazy thing is, she twists it to make it look like "the kids don't get along because DH is too soft on them". 

She threw away DSS's bed when he was 5 after he wet the bed and hid the sheets (was afraid to tell her). It was just a few days before he started kindergarten. He slept on the couch/floor for 4 months.  All the professionals new this, she said he had to "earn himself a new bed"..at FIVE!

I'm not sure which is worse for the kids, being a GC or an SG.  The GC has the stress of living up to the standards of the PD, but gives up their true selves in the process.   The SG has the heartbreak and despair of knowing their parent doesn't love them, but does have a chance at a healthy future if given the right tools for self esteem.

[Breadroll]

Thanks  stepping, heart goes out to that poor little one, that's really hard. I was interested in your comments on golden child/ scapegoat roles - and think that's probably right. It's hard to witness the pain it causes, and feel powerless to help. Even authorities seem powerless to intervene.

Mine were older, and the discard bed, scapegoat / golden child stuff  occurred after I left, leaving everything, in the mistaken belief it would make things easier, children would have intact rooms at ex place etc.   Despite it being bad enough to leave, I was still in the fog and believed he would «  do the right thing ».
The ability to «  play victim », manipulate and lie , behave terribly yet somehow come up smelling of roses - it's just astounding.  Thank goodness for this place, it's a sanity saver. 

Wishing your family stength and peace.

[Penny Lane]

Hi and welcome to this part of the forum.

I posted a similar thread awhile back. The details in my situation are very different but I think some of the advice would translate to your situation: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=78673.msg684133#msg684133

I can't believe that you both experienced the other parent throwing out a bed! You'd think nothing would surprise me after all this time on this site, but somehow the disordered parents still manage to exceed even my lowest expectations.

So is the situation that the scapegoat isn't seeing your ex at all? Or are they going over there for short periods?

I'd echo what Stepping Lightly says. In the short term, right now, things are harder for the scapegoat because they have to grapple with their parent's lack of love and care. But the golden child is also getting a raw deal as well - not only are they required to ignore their own needs and wants at the other house, but they're probably learning very toxic behavior and thinking patterns from the other parent. And the reality is that the other parent probably doesn't care more about the GC than the SG - they're just getting their need for attention met by GC at the moment.

The good news is that I think you can counteract both of these, though it will be a lot of work and it will be painful for you to watch them going through this.

For the scapegoat: I would say try not to go too easy on them. They've been dealt a tough hand but they need consistency and stability from you as well as a lot of love. How are they handling it? Do they open up to you about their feelings? Are they in counseling? Have you ever directly told them "This is really unfair to you and not at all your fault"? If you haven't, I think they could benefit from some guidance about how to process this emotionally.

For the golden child: You really want both kids but especially the GC to practice critical thinking as well as decision-making. Give them lots of chances to make choices for themselves and then experience the consequences of those actions (good or bad). If you're watching a movie or a show, take some time afterward to talk through what decisions the characters made. Stuff like that. I think you can gently correct the untrue things they're hearing from the other parent but you don't want to make it seem like it's an all out war between you and your ex.

The book Coparenting with a Toxic Ex really helped me with this. And my therapist recommended Parenting with Love and Logic which has been really helpful in our quest to help the kids think for themselves.

Good luck, you are in such a tough spot and I hope things work out for your kids.

[Stepping lightly]

It's  just awful to try and manage the GC/SG dynamic.  I do agree with PL, you do still need to have structure for the SG, you can go easier on them.  Both kids need consistency, across situations and across how you treat each of them.  The one thing you don't want to do is tip the scales so that at your house, the GC becomes the SG and the SG becomes the GC....in even the tiniest way. It is HARD- I know in my experience that the SG is a much easier child, and the GC is all about the battle- so that tendency is to lean toward the SG.

I agree with PL, making sure the SG understands this is NOT about them is preally important, but it will be really hard for them to accept that feedback.  We have worked with a really good psychologist to try and help the kids through this dynamic.  He said the one thing that is so damaging is what is being cemented as internal truths.  The constant negative feedback from the parent to the SG makes them believe they are all of those negative things the PD tells them they are (stupid, mean, bad person etc).  The sad part is, once they have developed these truths, no matter what outside information contradicts it....they don't believe it.  He gave us a whole lesson, it was pretty fascinating because I identified some of my own internal beliefs about myself, and no matter what anyone says....it doesn't change how I perceive myself (I don't believe I'm good at my job even though I get constant praises).    The opposite will happen with the GC, they cement the ideas of being all important and "better" than others (ground work for NPD maybe?).

Our goal is to get the kids to adulthood without severe damage.  It sounds like your stepkids might be a bit older?  We're in the young teenage years now, so we've been working on this for years...trying to give them a chance.  DH is amazing with it, but it takes massive work.  He spent HOURS last night talking DSD (GC) back to a place of normality after she raged on DSS (SG).  And then he had to work with DSS to make sure he knew he was supported, but that he can't engage in a battle with DSD and not get in trouble too.   

[Penny Lane]

On the topic of internal truths, another parenting book I really like is How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. There's a whole section about giving them a realistic but positive view of themselves, as well as how to improve their behavior through positive statements and consequences rather than punishment. I found it very helpful.

[sevenyears]

Breadroll, I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to your children. And, to those of Penny and Stepping. I don't have much advice to add to Penny's and Stepping's. The books are very helpful. Can you get both your children some outside help? IME, the family court system, if you're involved in that, is not very helpful and turns a blind eye to this. I wouldn't involve the school either, but maybe they can provide some resources for youth groups for children of divorce? 

[Breadroll]

Thanks to you all for replies, recommendations and insights.  This site has been a huge help overall.
Eldest child- now officially adult- does have contact- very rare meal or meet up- and i amazed how nice he is considering the treatment.  Youngest still spends time there- but it's unpredictable when. I have adapted and never ask questions about how long etc.  Have learned, as have so many here, that no contact is the best way.
Did not go to court - aside from years waiting list- veiled threats. And xpdh has done a few things in the past that make it possible that something bad could happen. That's the awful bit- fear- I still have it there, buried deep.  Therapist says that maximum danger time ( leaving) has passed, and that's true. But I do not pursue child support etc as fear is very real. Ugh.