Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #20 on: August 07, 2019, 01:09:23 PM »
I don't think I have a thing to say to her.  I don't have anything to tell her or a reason to call.  She eventually uses everything against me or gossips about everything I tell her.  A call right now would be nothing but a check in.  I don't want her to know a thing about me or my family.   I can't think of one thing that I want to say.  I'm not at a place emotionally that I want to call her.  I can talk briefly to her and be nice if she calls me, but she has refused for quite some time to call me or to even return a call.  I have to be the one to call, know her schedule as to when she will be there, read her mind to know if it's a time she actually wants to talk, etc.   If she's not there, I have to keep calling until she answers.  Remember I called multiple times on Mother's Day and she didn't answer?  I was told that I didn't call enough times.  I should have tried more.   :stars:  It's a game and it's controlling.  Calling her after all of this time on a demand is a game that she is playing.  I'm not playing her phone games any more.

She's put me in a position where she demands that I call.  If I don't will tell others "See, I tried to talk to Sidney and SHE's the one who's not being nice. I offered to talk to her, but SHE won't talk to MEEEEEE."  My boundary was that I would talk to her if she was being nice. She'll insist that telling me to call her is being nice.  It isn't.  I know I'll get lectured by her if I do call about ME giving HER the silent treatment or how mean she thinks I have been to her.  If I don't call, she and the flying monkeys will use it as proof that I lied. I told them that I'd talk to her if she was kind, but she tried and I didn't call her.  She "tried to be kind" and I didn't respond.  I'm made to feel guilty no matter what I do.

She "tried to be kind" and failed spectacularly. Kindness does not make demands. So boundary is still in effect, you're not calling. It's not your job to educate your mother on how to be a decent human. The smear campaign,  :meh: The smart people will figure out what's going on, and the rest of them you don't need to care about. If your mother did say that, it would be a lie, by the way. I don't know about your M, but my uNF has so little self-awareness that he did put in writing all of his boundary-busting and explained very clearly WHY I won't respond to him now, while at the same time demanding people become his flying monkeys and get me back in line for him because I am wrong and he is the father!  :stars: From being on here a while, it seems like the pwpd can't help but expose themselves sooner or later.

On another note, I think it's really cool that you and Cat of the Canals have each other going through this basically identical scenario.

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illogical

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #21 on: August 07, 2019, 07:14:09 PM »
... Add to it that enD MIGHT have a serious health condition that they hinted about on social media but havenít told me about.  I heard from someone who follows them because Iím barely looking at social media due to the nonsense.  She likes to weaponize info when I donít call them every day at the proper time.

DId your dad mention or explain this "health concern" when he called you?  Did you ask him about it?  Just wondering, since in your original post you are concerned.  WI said in her post that your dad didn't mention anything.  I didn't see where you posted that. 

I just assumed in my last post that your dad had laid to rest your concerns.
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Sidney37

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #22 on: August 07, 2019, 08:13:48 PM »
I asked him directly.  It was a serious concern.  Not what I assumed, but it warranted the MRI.  Itís not anything terminal, but could be serious.  Still following up with doctors. 

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illogical

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #23 on: August 07, 2019, 09:13:55 PM »
Hi Sidney,

Glad you found out what the deal was.  It's so screwed that you're hands are tied-- or at least constrained-- in trying to have a relationship with your dad.  I, also had an enD and a NM.  It really sucks.

Your eyes are wide open now, though, to your mother's latest "tricks".  So much better to be OOTF when it comes to planning countermoves.  At least your dad did contact you, despite your mother's "hold" over him.  I wish him the best.   Take care!
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #24 on: August 08, 2019, 01:43:15 AM »
Sorry - I just made an assumption, and you know what they say about that.  :-[

I figured you'd ask - I think all of us would, with that public FB post and all.   :yes:

I'm glad your dad is on it, and is following up with doctors - and there really isn't much you can do for him.

I'm sure your mom  won't keep you in the loop, since that's how she rolls.  You either let her walk all over you, or you don't hear anything - that, to me, falls under the definition of "not being nice" - so I wouldn't call.  :ninja:

And a *demand* for you to call her?  DEFINITELY not nice.  Being nice means you *ask* somebody to call you, if/when they've got time.   :yes:

UnBPD Didi was big on that, too.  She'd leave a message on the machine that says, "This is your moooooooooooooother.  Did you forget about meeeeeeee?"  :violin:

There aren't enough drugs and alcohol in the entire world to make me forget!   :roll:

Later, it might be, "This is your MOTHER.  ANSWER THE PHONE."

Sorry, I can't hear you above the volume of my upturned middle finger.   :evil2:

I'd just erase crap like that and call when *I* felt I could handle it - or any "medical crisis" where she needed something from me might be over.  (And like you, I'd hear nothing, because it was mostly BS.)

I'm sure you know this by now, but don't expect her to NOT be negative for very long - Didi lasted *one entire sentence* before reverting to being nasty and slamming the phone down!

Yeah!  ONE freaking sentence.  It was a warm, sincere, genuine, "How ARE you, WI?"

Huh?  Wha?  Who IS this?  :uuuuhhh:

I stuck to Medium Chill.  "I'm fine.  Really good."  :ninja:

She huffed angrily in my ear, and said, "So THAT'S how you're going to be!"   :dramaqueen: :pissed:

I said, "I don't follow.  I told you I'm fine.  I don't understand what I'm missing."  :ninja

SLAM goes the phone.   :roll:

I knew *exactly* what I was missing - not saying, "Oh mommy, my beloved mommy, how THOUGHTFUL of you to ask about me!    I will now spill and tell you all my darkest secrets and deepest fears, so you can use them against me later.  I will be an open book, stop all this ridiculous boundary nonsense, and let you stomp all over me again!"

I decided I wasn't going to call her back for over 2 weeks - the period of her Silent Treat - and see what happened, but that's when the hospitalizations *really* started to escalate.   :doh:

That's a funny way to try to punish somebody who has her own car  and had gotten off the insane merry-go-round months ago.    :phoot:

Please do the same now - demands to call *aren't nice* - and it's not up to you to teach an adult woman that the words "please" and "thank you" are what make polite society, well, polite.

 :hug:

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blues_cruise

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #25 on: August 08, 2019, 05:10:23 AM »
It's a game and it's controlling.  Calling her after all of this time on a demand is a game that she is playing.  I'm not playing her phone games any more.

That's exactly it: a game. N father did similar to me when we were in contact, he would be vile on the phone, cut the call short and then not call me in months. Then he would start trying to call again as though he was a concerned father who couldn't get hold of me. All a load of rubbish and a complete distortion of reality.

I think you're entirely right to state your boundaries when it comes to phone calls as you need to consider your mental health. I reached the point with NF where phone calls with him just made me feel terrible each and every time, so I advised him that I no longer wished to speak on the phone but would communicate via text message and emails (plus face to face as long as husband was present). That way he couldn't manipulate me so easily and I would have time to process communication. He rejected all this, hence the no contact, however it was important to me to try that boundary in order to protect myself. It was far too easy for him to be covertly cruel and emotionally abusive on a telephone call, with no paper trail that he was acting like that. It's all about control.

She's put me in a position where she demands that I call.  If I don't will tell others "See, I tried to talk to Sidney and SHE's the one who's not being nice. I offered to talk to her, but SHE won't talk to MEEEEEE."  My boundary was that I would talk to her if she was being nice. She'll insist that telling me to call her is being nice.  It isn't.  I know I'll get lectured by her if I do call about ME giving HER the silent treatment or how mean she thinks I have been to her.  If I don't call, she and the flying monkeys will use it as proof that I lied. I told them that I'd talk to her if she was kind, but she tried and I didn't call her.  She "tried to be kind" and I didn't respond.  I'm made to feel guilty no matter what I do. 

You can't win either way, as you rightly acknowledge, so in this situation you need to do what's healthy for you and screw what other people think. They're not the ones having to live with this reality. You know your truth and you are being entirely reasonable simply asking for civil communication with no drama or emotional abuse. Anyone who denies your truth and blindly believes your mother is not worth your time or energy. :hug:
« Last Edit: August 08, 2019, 05:12:35 AM by blues_cruise »
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Sidney37

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #26 on: August 08, 2019, 02:42:46 PM »
Thanks everyone for your suggestions, personal stories and support.  Iím certain I would be running back into the fog if I didnít have this forum of people who get it.  IThank you so much!

I have 2 friends with PD mothers, but their reactions to their own mothers and their advice is very different than what I get here.  I can see myself moving in a positive direction that allows me to make my own decisions while I see that they seem stuck. 

Iím certain my dad is going to ask why I didnít call her - heís called countless times since her text, but I wasnít home.  Heíll insist thatís her trying, being nice or ďyou know how she isĒ.  No clue what to say that isnít a JADE.  It seems petty to insist that she has to call me first.  That sounds just like what a PD would say.   But Iím not positively reinforcing her behavior by calling just because she sends a text to demand it.  I just wish I had easy family relationships.

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all4peace

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #27 on: August 08, 2019, 03:00:16 PM »
I didn't read through the previous responses, so this may have already been said, but.... communication is a 2-way street. Many parents feel they're being given the "silent treatment" without seeming to understand that THEY could pick up the phone and call. My dad hasn't called me in more than 3 years, mother in nearly 2, and they're probably convinced I'm the one who "isn't speaking." Oh well.

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illogical

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #28 on: August 08, 2019, 04:24:28 PM »
...Iím certain my dad is going to ask why I didnít call her - heís called countless times since her text, but I wasnít home.  Heíll insist thatís her trying, being nice or ďyou know how she isĒ.  No clue what to say that isnít a JADE.  It seems petty to insist that she has to call me first.  That sounds just like what a PD would say.   But Iím not positively reinforcing her behavior by calling just because she sends a text to demand it.  I just wish I had easy family relationships.

I believe it was Moglow who advised not to call your mother unless you had something to say.  I, along with others, seconded this suggestion.  How about telling your dad, if he asks why you didn't call,

"I don't have anything to say, dad.  No news to report."

Your mother is trying various tactics, throwing them against the wall to see what sticks.  This is typical PD behavior.  Classic game-playing, as others have posted.  The only way to not play the game is to drop the rope.  Let her think what she likes-- that YOU are the one playing the game.  It wouldn't matter if you told her or your dad the truth-- she's going to say and believe what she wants.  You've experienced that many, many times.  This would be no different. 

Practically speaking, you know that everything you've said to your dad has gone straight to your mother.  So there really isn't any "news" to report.  And your mother would not be happy if you called her UNLESS you throw in an apology for "how you have behaved" in this latest attempt for her to control you.  So my two cents is, follow Moglow's advice.  If you really have something to tell her, call.  If not, don't.
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

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p123

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #29 on: August 09, 2019, 07:33:44 AM »
Sorry - I just made an assumption, and you know what they say about that.  :-[

I figured you'd ask - I think all of us would, with that public FB post and all.   :yes:

I'm glad your dad is on it, and is following up with doctors - and there really isn't much you can do for him.

I'm sure your mom  won't keep you in the loop, since that's how she rolls.  You either let her walk all over you, or you don't hear anything - that, to me, falls under the definition of "not being nice" - so I wouldn't call.  :ninja:

And a *demand* for you to call her?  DEFINITELY not nice.  Being nice means you *ask* somebody to call you, if/when they've got time.   :yes:

UnBPD Didi was big on that, too.  She'd leave a message on the machine that says, "This is your moooooooooooooother.  Did you forget about meeeeeeee?"  :violin:

There aren't enough drugs and alcohol in the entire world to make me forget!   :roll:

Later, it might be, "This is your MOTHER.  ANSWER THE PHONE."

Sorry, I can't hear you above the volume of my upturned middle finger.   :evil2:

I'd just erase crap like that and call when *I* felt I could handle it - or any "medical crisis" where she needed something from me might be over.  (And like you, I'd hear nothing, because it was mostly BS.)

I'm sure you know this by now, but don't expect her to NOT be negative for very long - Didi lasted *one entire sentence* before reverting to being nasty and slamming the phone down!

Yeah!  ONE freaking sentence.  It was a warm, sincere, genuine, "How ARE you, WI?"

Huh?  Wha?  Who IS this?  :uuuuhhh:

I stuck to Medium Chill.  "I'm fine.  Really good."  :ninja:

She huffed angrily in my ear, and said, "So THAT'S how you're going to be!"   :dramaqueen: :pissed:

I said, "I don't follow.  I told you I'm fine.  I don't understand what I'm missing."  :ninja

SLAM goes the phone.   :roll:

I knew *exactly* what I was missing - not saying, "Oh mommy, my beloved mommy, how THOUGHTFUL of you to ask about me!    I will now spill and tell you all my darkest secrets and deepest fears, so you can use them against me later.  I will be an open book, stop all this ridiculous boundary nonsense, and let you stomp all over me again!"

I decided I wasn't going to call her back for over 2 weeks - the period of her Silent Treat - and see what happened, but that's when the hospitalizations *really* started to escalate.   :doh:

That's a funny way to try to punish somebody who has her own car  and had gotten off the insane merry-go-round months ago.    :phoot:

Please do the same now - demands to call *aren't nice* - and it's not up to you to teach an adult woman that the words "please" and "thank you" are what make polite society, well, polite.

 :hug:

WI - I love your posts!!!!

As someone who is new to this group, and finds the stuff you post immensely helpful - do you have links to your best posts? i.e. the ones where you started to gain control?

I can see a lot of me in some of these posts but Im not there yet.

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Sidney37

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #30 on: August 09, 2019, 12:56:02 PM »

I believe it was Moglow who advised not to call your mother unless you had something to say.  I, along with others, seconded this suggestion.  How about telling your dad, if he asks why you didn't call,

"I don't have anything to say, dad.  No news to report."

Your mother is trying various tactics, throwing them against the wall to see what sticks.  This is typical PD behavior.  Classic game-playing, as others have posted.  The only way to not play the game is to drop the rope.  Let her think what she likes-- that YOU are the one playing the game.  It wouldn't matter if you told her or your dad the truth-- she's going to say and believe what she wants.  You've experienced that many, many times.  This would be no different. 

Practically speaking, you know that everything you've said to your dad has gone straight to your mother.  So there really isn't any "news" to report.  And your mother would not be happy if you called her UNLESS you throw in an apology for "how you have behaved" in this latest attempt for her to control you.  So my two cents is, follow Moglow's advice.  If you really have something to tell her, call.  If not, don't.

I know people here have to keep reinforcing to me what I should and need to do.  It's all just so painful to feel the rejection in this way.  It makes you question whether anything you are doing is contributing to the situation.  I appreciate the reinforcement.  I'm guessing it gets easier as time goes on.  Second nature, I guess.

It's just so predictable, isn't it?  Their reactions and behaviors.    Before enD finally reached me today to ask me why I hadn't called her yet (I was busy and didn't like a demand for a call) she unfriended me on social media.  I told him that I was busy and thought she should call me since she seemed to want a call.  I told him that I didn't appreciate that she didn't speak to me for months, demanded a call and then when I didn't call quickly enough unfriended me on social media.  He was surprised that she had unfriended me, sounded totally defeated, but is becoming more and more flying monkey as the weeks tick by. There is no fixing this.  He's a fixer and wants this resolved immediately.  He can't live with the uncertainty of it all, but I can't fix that for him. 

I really want to be at a point where she isn't in my head constantly.  A point where this situation isn't taking up so much of my brain and emotional capacity.  Right now I feel better without the constant criticism from her, but what does it take  for this still not to take up portions of my day with the stress over this?

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all4peace

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #31 on: August 09, 2019, 01:08:13 PM »
I really want to be at a point where she isn't in my head constantly.  A point where this situation isn't taking up so much of my brain and emotional capacity.  Right now I feel better without the constant criticism from her, but what does it take  for this still not to take up portions of my day with the stress over this?
I highly recommend looking into the work of Dr. Caroline Leaf, either on her podcast or Youtube, or even her books.

She likens the brain to a tree. Toxic thoughts and patterns lead to a toxic tree with gnarled branches.
Healthy thoughts lead to a healthy tree with lots of beautiful branches (dendritic connections).

We can re-train our brains. Yes, they are wired for toxicity when we were raised by a PD, but we can rewire them. Just like dealing with a toddler who keeps reaching for something dangerous, we can re-direct our thoughts.

Brain: Argh, I feel so anxious about NM not calling!
Other part of brain: Oops, there we go again. (Pause. Deep breath.) The clouds are so beautiful today! Now, what was I working on again?

It's not that the problem doesn't exist. We're not shoving it down and behaving in denial. It's just that this problem is not solvable, not controllable, and yet we can let that kind of problem gobble up so much time and energy. So, when it pops into our head again, we re-direct and form a new thought.

For me, it looked like this recently. My parents had been making some efforts towards my dear B. Dad had been talking to him regularly on the phone, even though dad hasn't called me in 3+ years.

all4peace's old brain pathway: Ugh, I feel so awful. How can dad not love me? How can this still bother me? Ooof, it feels so awful. How can I be so unworthy?
all4peace's new (not yet fully developed) brain pathway: Wait! We don't need to do this again! Remember all that hard work? Remember all that anger you released? Remember the new messages you've learned? You ARE worthy. One sad and broken man's inability to love you DOES NOT DEFINE YOU! You are lovable. You are loved. (Breathe. Pause. Soak in the feeling of love I feel from my kids, my husband, my friends, my creator, nature) You are loved.

Sometimes we need to do this over and over and over and over again. Rather than getting discouraged, we can remember that we're killing off old really-well-traveled brain pathways, and we're slowly and steadily developing new pathways. Out with the old toxic thought, in with the new healthy thought.

It works. Just takes time and perseverance. Hope that helps.

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illogical

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #32 on: August 09, 2019, 02:53:44 PM »
all4peace, that was a beautiful post!

Hi Sidney37,

all4peace is right-- you can re-train your brain, or form new neural pathways.   Besides the awesome "tree analogy" all4peace gave, think of what you are going through as MAJOR CHANGE in your life.  Most are resistant to major change.  When under stress, they revert to "default" or familiar behavior.  This is because the very act of change is oftentimes stressful.  Like a new pair of shoes you have to break in--  uncomfortable at first, but after wear, they start to conform to your feet and one day you wake up and they aren't "new" anymore.  But maybe at first you don't want to break them in because it's easier to wear the old ones.

I can tell you from firsthand experience that things will get better.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward, even if you find yourself slipping or taking a couple of steps backward.  You will get there!  I would say it took me at least a year before I started to feel comfortable with the "new me".  I no longer reached for the "old comfortable shoes" when I was under stress.  And I started to like the "new me".  I liked the fact I wasn't putting up with my NM and GC brother's crap anymore.  As time wore on, I started thinking of them less and less.  I shifted the spotlight from them to ME.  After all, I told myself, no one can live your life but you.  So that's what I started doing.  Instead of worrying and fretting over the latest crisis, I got busy doing stuff for me-- stuff that would enhance MY LIFE.  Whenever I was tempted to reach for that old pair of shoes, I said, "No.  I think I'll do something else instead."  Time passed and things really did get better.  Sure, it was slow, but the rewards were well worth it.  I was finally free of their control, free to live my own life without hindrance from them.   :yes:

« Last Edit: August 09, 2019, 03:06:35 PM by illogical »
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #33 on: August 10, 2019, 03:09:21 AM »
Mini-threadjack  :)

P123 - if you sign in, you can click on any member's name and read their old posts.

Or you can go to the PD Parents Forum and look back to about September of 2012, I think.  If the posts are still on the forum, they start around that date, but all not were started by me.  I sometimes jumped in on other threads, like, "OMG, you too!?!?"  :aaauuugh:

I was *scared* to put up boundaries, and use Medium Chill, but they WORKED - and Didi made the dumbest mistake she could ever make:  she made me angry, by behaving like a toddler and whining and pleading to get her way.   :blowup:

You have kids.  You remember what that was like, and how you handled it.

I don't have kids, so I was working with NO background other than behaving how I thought a parent *should* behave - calmly, rationally, and decisively.  No means no.  If you keep asking, there will be a consequence (not that I told her - why bother?  I'd have gotten even MORE calls!   :roll:), and that consequence is to speak to the answering machine and I'll call you back when *I* feel like I can handle it.  :ninja:

That's when I started feeling some real *traction* in my words and everything I refused to do.  It all had *weight.*  I did NOT have to live at Her Waify Majesty's beck and call!  :woohoo:

If she was angry, that really wasn't my problem.   :no:

I began to *feel* it and *believe* it.  I  wasn't nearly as strong as I was when I was dealing with unNPD Ray, but I was *getting there, slowly.*  8-)

Just give yourself time, be patient with yourself, groan at your mistakes and promise yourself you'll try not to do that again - vent if you need to and laugh when your dad is just so damned pathetic and predictable, they should book odds on him in Vegas, and you'd be a rich man.  :bigwink:

You WILL get there - one step at a time, one foot in front of the other, always moving forward.   :yes:

/End threadjack  :)

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Cat of the Canals

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #34 on: August 10, 2019, 12:08:57 PM »
He's a fixer and wants this resolved immediately.  He can't live with the uncertainty of it all, but I can't fix that for him. 

I really want to be at a point where she isn't in my head constantly.  A point where this situation isn't taking up so much of my brain and emotional capacity.  Right now I feel better without the constant criticism from her, but what does it take  for this still not to take up portions of my day with the stress over this?

Oh man, I know these feelings so well.

I'm sorry you're still getting pressure from your dad. Do you think he'd agree to not discuss your mother when you talk? I know your contact is already limited and strained since it has to be done in secret, but that's even more reason to not rehash all of this crap with your mom when you do get a chance to speak. And I doubt it's good for your stress levels... I know I was getting along pretty OK with my mom's little ST game until my brother told me I needed to fix it. He was trying to make me feel guilty and that made me so so angry. I've decided that moving forward, it's better if I don't mention my issues with her to him.

Have you tried journaling at all? This is something that's been helping me a lot. Something about getting the words and feelings out seems to keep them from swirling around in my head.  :stars:

Sometimes I write about a particular painful memory. Other times I write letters to my mother telling her why I'm angry. (Letters I never intend to send, of course.) Even just 10-15 minutes a day seems to help. At first I was doing it every day, because I needed it. After about a week, I definitely felt like the thoughts were taking up less of my headspace. Now that it's been a few months, I usually only feel the need a few times a week.


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Sidney37

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #35 on: August 11, 2019, 11:40:30 PM »
 :blush:Thanks again.  I needed these last few posts this weekend.  Iím not sure how I would have made it through the past few months without the advice here.  Iíll look for the work of Dr. Leaf.  I really need to get to a calm place.  This weekend was not calm.  Iím looking again for a therapist tomorrow.

Things escalated even more recently.  The lies, FB posts and threats of self harm are exactly what people have predicted. Just what others here have experienced.  Iím stunned yet not stunned at the level to which things have gotten.  Iíve always fallen back in line before it got to this point and this is exactly why.  Iím afraid of her retaliation when she comes across to everyone as the victim.  Iím so glad for people here because I knew how to respond.
« Last Edit: August 11, 2019, 11:54:39 PM by Sidney37 »

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #36 on: August 12, 2019, 02:08:19 AM »
Hi Sidney,  :)

How are the threats of suicide and lies getting to your ears?  Is your *dad* telling you?

If he's the one mentioning this stuff, I'd tell him you do NOT want to hear it.  Your mom is his problem, and if she threatens suicide, it's on him to call 911 - not report it back to you, in some sick attempt to gain *control* and make you feel bad.

And you might want to consider limiting his calls to you, if he can't help himself.  :yes:

If anybody else is telling you this stuff, they're a FMM, and it would be a good idea to block their number(s).  :thumbup:

I wouldn't worry about what others think -   their eyes may be more open than you think, or  are starting to open as your mom's behavior escalates.

As for the fear of your mom's retaliation - well, this is pretty much it, other than to have herself hospitalized for some made-up problem or another, or go to the ER with "chest pains."  :violin:

If she winds up in the hospital or at the ER - stay home.  You're better off staying out of the way and letting the professionals do their thing - and it also sends a CLEAR message of, "That doesn't work, mom."  :ninja:

I know you're scared, but it's *crucial* you hold your ground and *not give in to any of this emotional blackmail* because you'll only prove to her  that it WORKS, and she'll start stooping to this level, at an even more rapid  pace, if she senses *any* sort of lack of compliance from you.   :aaauuugh:

It's also intermittent reinforcement, proving yeah, that really DOES light a fire under your butt.

When unBPD Didi *really* started kicking up and going Full Metal Waif, it made me even *more* determined to stay OUT of it and let her play her little dramas with hospital personnel, while remaining nowhere to be found, and not heard from very often.  8-)

I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of thinking, "Okay - to get WI's attention, I have to have myself hospitalized at LEAST 10 times - so that's what I will, do, every time I don't think she's behaving properly toward me and putting me first."  :dramaqueen:

If your mom keeps up her antics, she's not going to be seen as a victim for very long.  People *will* start to wonder WTF is wrong with her, why doesn't she just call you, why is she imploding in public and airing her dirty laundry, and if she's so damned concerned about her relationship with you, why the hell isn't she *talking directly TO you?*  :snort:

Believe it or not, you've GOT this!  :cheer: :cheer:

Moglow said, in another thread, that her T said to picture her mom's head on a toddler's body - and I think that's a GREAT idea.  :rofl:

Because that's what you're dealing with - an adult having a full-blown temper tantrum.  :roll:

You have kids, so you know how to handle those.

See?  Told you, you've GOT  this!  8-)

 :hug:

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Sidney37

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #37 on: August 12, 2019, 07:40:43 AM »
Emails and texts from her that my father is going to kill himself because of me and what I am doing to them.  He agreed that he made the threat to her, but insisted that he would't do it.  I'm not sure how much more he can take.  He's got to be depressed and stressed living with her.  It's more than a person can take.  She plays the victim to everyone, though.  No one believes how verbally abusive she is.  They never have. 

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p123

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #38 on: August 12, 2019, 09:06:22 AM »
Emails and texts from her that my father is going to kill himself because of me and what I am doing to them.  He agreed that he made the threat to her, but insisted that he would't do it.  I'm not sure how much more he can take.  He's got to be depressed and stressed living with her.  It's more than a person can take.  She plays the victim to everyone, though.  No one believes how verbally abusive she is.  They never have.

WOW just Wow - it must be so tough for you.

WI is right though. Righter than a Right thing on the first day of Right in Rightland.

Dad has tried this. Hes had MANY fake hospital visits. I've had MANY "I've had enough I want to end it all" talks off him. Its his ultimate card- all else fails say you're going to harm yourself. Unfortunately, even though they've had a word, no-one in the medical profession listens to me.

What I've found did work with Dad (apart from ignoring as MI said is calling his bluff. I'll say to him "Oh that doesn't sound good, I'll take you to hospital, sounds like you're really struggling with stress and other mental issues. They'll probably ask a psychiatrist to speak to you but they may need keep you in for a short time". Works a treat -backs down then....

Dad thinks there is no such thing as mental illness anyway - "pull yourself together" so any hint that he'd be in line is met with this attitude. And the SHAME if his friends found out..... How would he show his face again in public?

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #39 on: August 12, 2019, 03:57:58 PM »
Holy cow, she's really pulling out the big guns!   :aaauuugh:

I'd do *nothing* but realize your father is an *adult.*  If he's depressed, it's his responsibility to get help, and not your responsibility to be ABUSED, because she's making his life unbearable.

Your dad also has a *mouth.*  At any point, he can tell her to STOP, shut her face, be quiet, stop  griping, and stop yelling at *him* when she's the cause of all the damned problems.  :yes:

But nope, he's wandering around, moping, and your mom is *weaponizing* his feelings, trying to force your hand.  >:(

I wouldn't respond, and I'd only take action if your mom texts or emails to say your dad has made an explicit threat of suicide - my response would be to send an ambulance to their house, and otherwise stay OUT of it.  :ninja:

Your parents can explain it to the paramedics, and it'll probably be the LAST time suicide is thrown out as an option, because it's *embarrassing* to have to explain to others that the "threat" is really in response to, "Give me what I waaaaaaaant!"  :dramaqueen:

Your mom is *not* behaving in a kind, respectful manner, so no call from you is the way to go.  She's just pulling tricks out of her bag and throwing them at the wall, to see what sticks.

She's *trying* to force a knee-jerk reaction from you.  Don't give her the satisfaction, or she'll take that as a "win" and keep pushing the envelope, trying to get *more* reactions to get you to forget the silly notions of boundaries, kindness, decency or respect.

 :hug: