Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!

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illogical

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #40 on: August 12, 2019, 04:49:20 PM »
 :yeahthat:  Everything WI said.

I would add that I would block your mother from all texts and phone calls.  I would not allow her an audience here.  That is what she wants.  She is using your dad's situation to hold you emotionally hostage.  Don't play that game.  If you remove yourself from the audience, your mother's performance will fall flat because you won't be there to "applaud".  So walk off that set and refuse to be a part of the drama. 

My two cents is that you need a break from all the drama.  You don't have to go permanently NC if that's not what you want.  But I would at least consider a TIME-OUT.  See what happens if you remove yourself from the equation.  Please tread very carefully if your dad contacts you again.  He is being used as a pawn in this dangerous game your mother is playing.  I agree with WI that he is not powerless here.  He is continuing to go along with your mother because it makes his life easier.  But I wouldn't give him a free pass.  He is contributing to the dysfunction in a big way.

At this point, you being the only one involved who is OOTF, it's up to you to break the cycle of abuse.  Please practice self-care!
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

__Stewart Stafford

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Sidney37

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #41 on: August 13, 2019, 12:24:09 PM »
Thanks all.  I'm to the NC point.   I'm looking at how to block phone numbers and emails.  I'm certain the rage and punishment will get worse and she will lie to everyone that I am doing to her what she is doing to me.  That's how she does things.  Hopefully she won't drive here or make false police reports against me.  I think she's capable of anything at this point.  I don't even know where to begin with self care.

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moglow

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #42 on: August 13, 2019, 12:58:23 PM »
Sidney, There's no easy answer for you, and I'm sorry you're at this point. None of us will ever be able to control the actions of others. We can control our responses and protect ourselves from harm in whatever way feels best, and just keep moving forward.

Ya gotta breathe for starters - Four counts in, hold it for four, four counts exhale. It'll help slow the panic and racing thoughts so you can function easier. Don't delete those messages and emails. Hide them away in a folder that's not staring you in the face, but keep them for reinforcement when you need reminding how you got here. I wouldn't share them with others as "justification" but neither would I try to explain my decision - you do what's best for you and your sanity. Being exposed to that day after day is debilitating.

All that said, I will say this - a while back mother was hammering away at me about "the way I treated her" [dafuq??!] and me avoiding her and why don't we have a relationship yada yada. When she reached a high [low] point and was particularly snarling, I forwarded that voicemail right back to her, said THIS is why we don't have that magical relationship you seem to think we should have. What in this is encouraging or in any way welcoming?? This is just ONE message I have saved, and believe me there are others ...

She didn't call back for a while, like weeks later. Actually now I think on it that may have been around the time she really backed off on calling at all - she knew I kept at least some of her messages. Honestly, I'm okay with that - I wasn't ugly, I didn't cuss [i know, surprise!!], pretty much deadpanned my message to her. I was just so tired and beat down and couldn't find the energy anymore. I'm pretty sure hearing her own message played back didn't feel good, but damn. For once it wasn't "that's not what I said/meant!!" it was right there, impossible to ignore or excuse. Of course you were mad, mother, most of your messages are mad. And WHY don't I call or visit? Oh yeah ...

Understand, I didn't and don't intend it as payback. I saw it as answering the same question she'd been [randomly] throwing at me for a while. My only thought was, THIS is who she is and why I don't engage any more than I do! I didn't and don't see the sense in pretending for the sake of "others" and their ideas of what I should do or say - they aren't living in it. I'd been pretending for decades, playing along to get along, and it was just more and more of the same from her. When things didn't go her way, she'd ramp up until it went too far. I'm still not sure if it was intentional on her part or if she really had no clue what she was doing, but she certainly put paid to much of any relationship finally.

You're not alone. We're here with you, holding your hand, handing you tissues when you need them.

[/i]
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Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #43 on: August 13, 2019, 04:38:10 PM »
I think blocking her on as many fronts as you can is a very smart and sane idea.  :yes:

I think a good part of self-care is having a *plan* in case she shows up, or starts using the police as a weapon.  You won't panic - you'll think, "Okay - I went over this in my head, and this is how to proceed."  8-)

1.  If she shows up, do NOT let her in, even if she sees you're in the house.  Let her knock and ring until she realizes it's pointless and leaves, and if she won't leave, you can call the police and have her removed.

2.  If she shows up when you're outside, *immediately* whip out your phone and start filming her as you hurry for the safety of your house.  Once inside, lock the door and call the police.

3.  If she calls the police to do a wellness check, tell them you're fine, but ask them *not* to report it to your mother, as she's mentally ill and it will only trigger her to act out, which isn't what anybody wants.

4.  If she accuses you of a *crime* - you haven't seen her in months or been to her house.  What "crime" could you have possibly committed?  :roll:

It's also a very dangerous gambit for her - she can be charged with filing a false police report.  The police don't like being *used* and can take action against her.

 :hug:

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Sidney37

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #44 on: August 13, 2019, 04:48:41 PM »
I'm breathing and it feels better to have taken some protective action.  I've blocked her on my phone and all emails are forwarded to my husband.  If there is an emergency, he can read the emails and make a decision without me.  Thank you.  It's always amazing to me what we have all been through and how kind strangers can be .

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Andeza

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #45 on: August 13, 2019, 05:47:05 PM »
I just read through the thread. Sidney37 I'm only hear to offer encouragement and support! You've been put through the ringer, no doubt about it. :sadno:

Keeping the emails and messages, albeit somewhere you don't have to look at them, can also protect you because it shows the utter dysfunction at work here. It's proof. Proof that no matter what she could accuse you of, no matter what lies she may tell, there are things that she has DEFINITELY said that are provable, traceable, and unsweepable if you get my meaning.

Now after reading this, I feel like your health and well-being are the most important thing at this moment. You need to take care of yourself. Eat healthy, get good sleep, maybe book a spa day because it really helps your mind as well as your body. Do things you enjoy. And give yourself time to process what has happened. Time to work through the details of protecting yourself. It doesn't all have to happen at once. No pressure.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

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Cat of the Canals

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Re: Accusations of silent treatment but they are giving it!
« Reply #46 on: August 14, 2019, 09:55:33 PM »
The silver lining here is that this could be her extinction burst. She's pulling out all the stops to see if she can get you to fall back in line. Hopefully the fact that you've continued to maintain your boundaries means things are about to quiet down. But even if that is the case, I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's not easy.

I think Andeza is right to suggest really taking some time for self-care right now. Be kind to yourself!