Sending the letter and going NC

[moglow]

Wow. I feel your pain and disappointment here. So much like what I've heard from mine and other members here over the years.

People mention "the playbook" and it's so sad to see it come out over and over again.

Questioning "who or what has instigated this" instead of addressing the actual substance of the letter? Check.
Muddying the waters and involving others to "prove their innocence/your guilt." Check.
Implied threat of you "ruining" some future event by daring to think for and take care of yourself? Check.
Throwing "selfishness" at you, as if your first responsibility in life isn't to yourself and your own well being? Check. Check.

I'll be honest, that's why I suggested you remove any reference to therapy. Following a confrontation about our past, my mother's first retort was demanding to know where all this is coming from. I was honest, told her I'd been seeing a counselor and I needed to get that out so I could finally put it down and leave it behind. I was trying to be realistic, open up and share with mother how important this was for me to talk about.

Big mistake. The whole discussion went sideways, she went full on rage, blamed the counselor and claimed I'd attacked her. I left her house feeling much worse than I went in. She then shared her version with every family member who'd listen, and burned down any hopes of understanding or support from them. I was very alone for a long time, my trust in family destroyed.

I'm sorry - I've been where you are and the memories are painful, even all these years later. Maybe I need that reminder myself. You hold tight to what you know to be true. Don't be swayed by their panic, guilt trips and superficial rug sweeping. Do what you feel is right, and keep on doing that. But take your NC for as long as you need it. Don't keep discussing and going over it with them - you need time to sort and think through the realities here, without the distractions and side arguments.

We're here with you.

[all4peace]

I'm so sorry for how this is unfolding, and yet as you so wisely already see it actually helps to validate what you were realizing about them all along. It hurts to be on the receiving end of this kind of immediate lashing out, triangulation and manipulation, but it is also validating. You sound strong and capable!

[Sidney37]

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  People here understand.  They have been through it before and are supportive.  It's a safe place to keep venting and asking questions.  I went through my own NC in recent months and the help I got here was amazing. 

I agree with the suggestion not to tell about the therapy.  I did many years ago and got accused of lying to the therapist to get her on my side.  I made the mistake again by telling my father that every therapist I have seen in 20+ years has recommended no contact or very limited contact.  Now since I'm the one whose been to therapy and she hasn't, I'm the crazy one.  She's never been to therapy and she's totally fine in her opinion.

Keep posting, surround yourself with understanding friends, keep going to a therapist who gets it, read books about it and take care of yourself.

[SunnyMeadow]

That their only observation to my letter is that it's all about me, and "something I may want to think about" is that what I decide is right for me might not be what's right for them (threat to withdraw their love if I don't get back into line?). Which is astounding since actually the letter was all about them and their behaviour, not me at all! Ha!

So typical. Same thing happened with my uPDmom and I, my reply to her email of how awful of a daughter I am, was completely ignored. It turned into how hurt SHE was at my reply. No acknowledgement of my statements or feelings. A very caring parent? No.

they are disordered and have no ability to empathise or acknowledge my feelings at all - let alone care about how I feel. So now I can actually start grieving the parent I have never had, knowing that I have not been making it up.

It's a real slap in the face but it points out in no uncertain terms what you've been dealing with all along. It's all about them and to hell with the hurt they have caused their children. They are hurt and that's all that matters. I'm sorry TrueRefuge. 

[TrueRefuge]

Thank you all so much. You empathy and support is so helpful in these times.

I think the next few days are going to be an emotional whirlwind as the seriousness of the situation sinks in. But I just keep reassuring myself that the truth is out there now. My DP said "They've always controlled the narrative, but at least now you can live authentically" which is so true and I need to keep hold of that. I haven't lived authentically with NParent for a decade (for obvious reasons!) and now I need to enjoy that authenticity.

Hopefully the next few days will be peace and quiet and I can just hunker down and take care of myself.

Seriously, thank you for all the hugs and well wishes and shared experiences: they are so helpful, you are an amazing bunch and I hope I can help others once I've sorted myself out a bit!

[doglady]

Wow, True Refuge, if you ever needed proof that you were on the right track when you took the decision to go NC, that reply from your parents certainly sealed the deal. As Moglow said, it's straight from the PD Playbook all right. Your parents' need to punish you for stepping out of line could not be any clearer. I really liked your reply to them saying you have the right to be at the event and it's not up to them. Their rage at being disobeyed or even questioned is palpable.
I'm sure things will continue to escalate from their side as they soar into a towering shit storm of umbrage at your audacity   and gather an entourage of flying monkeys abounding from all quarters.
You, however, sound as if you have abundant strength and intelligence to see it all for what it is. I look forward to hearing more about your journey Out of the FOG. Best wishes.

[Morocha2015]

I have nothing more to add to what's already been said but wanted to voice my support and congratulations for taking your life back! It was painful for me the first few months but now I feel so relieved to have escaped the chaos! Way to take this brave step! We're all behind you!

[Psuedonym]

Hey TrueRefuge,

Sorry to jump in here late. That Schrodingers' Cat reference you made earlier is very familiar and what I think comes from cognitive dissonance. Your whole life you've been told one thing and known something else to be true. I did something similar to you last December. My uBPD/N M (aka Negatron)'s behavior got so bad that my health started to decline. When I had a genuine panic attack at work I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I wrote a letter which was very unemotional and pretty much purely fact based. Stuff like things her therapist said in my presence. Her response was to tell my BF (who is the only on in contact with her at this point), plus every relative, friend and stranger that she came across that I was a) mentally ill and that there had always been something wrong with me, b) had made everything in the letter up and/or had actually done those things myself, c) was ungrateful, childish, selfish and 'everybody else ' thought so too, and d) has no idea why I'm not speaking to her. She pretty much cycles through these and will still at time call up my BF and ask when I'm coming over to see her.  I've also found out that before I went NC with her, she would regularly call up relatives and say awful things about me; my cousin, whom I'm very fond of, recently told me 'she really crosses the line when she said you were a bitch'. (This was while I was helping her move - 3 times! - getting her groceries and picking up her medications. And handling my dad's estate - he died a year and a half ago. So I get it.

I'm sure right now your brain is in overdrive trying to make sense of everything that's going on. It is hard to believe in what's real when you're being told that your feelings, memories, etc. are all false. Something that has helped me enormously are Les Carter's videos. He has a new one that is exceptionally good about invalidation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsE_rwL03rE One line that stuck with me as profound (paraphrasing here) is that:

the narcissist's core is built around a false self, and in order to believe the lies they tell themselves about themselves they also have to believe the lies they tell themselves about you.

I know this is a really tough, really stressful time to go through, but I can tell you that nine months down the road I'm feeling much better and seeing things much more clearly. I hope this helps. Big hug to you:

[TrueRefuge]

Hello to new people! Morocha, Doglady, Psuedonym - thank you all for posting and for your support!

Psuedonym, these people are just unhinged aren't they?? I'm sorry to hear of what you've been through with your mother, and I'm glad to hear that 9 months on you're feeling clearer. Thanks also for that link, I just hate invalidation, it just cuts to my soul (I wonder why ) so I will definitely check that video out. The excerpt you wrote is so true it's unreal.

There's been one more email since my NFather's last hostile one. He didn't reply to our existing chain and started a new email to me, which he chose to title "Response". Its an ironic choice of subject line: let me explain. In my original email I said I was taking 6 months time out and would be in touch in February. My brother is getting married in May, and NFather's "response" is that he will not be responding to my letter until after the wedding in May. The final line: I think it's fair to leave this and focus on Brother (verbatim).

Not the wedding. Not to take some time out and consider their response. No, to completely ignore my feelings and prioritise my brother over me. The laughable thing is it is my brother, so my Father has literally no involvement in this wedding: no speech to prepare, nothing to do with planning (it's all planned already!).

It is just a transparent power move to a) punish me for sending the letter in the first place, b) remind me how unimportant I am to him, and c) take back some control by lengthening the process. If he does want a relationship with me, he is really going to wrong way about it. At this stage, I really don't see it happening (and right no have no interest in it anyway).

The angry part of me is tempted to email him and say forget it, don't waste your time, we're done because you've already shown me who you are. The other half of me wants to show him that I have patience, not give him the narcisstic supply, let him write his response over a careful 9 months and then when I receive his deluded, "poor-me", accusatory, guilt-inducing reply that completely invalidates me yet again, just reply to that and say we're done. The outcome is exactly the same: I really just do not see how we can have a relationship because he'll likely never change and I refuse to have a relationship with him like this. The only difference is I get to keep him stewing for 9 months thinking that once he's responded to my letter I'll fall over myself forgiving him, when in fact it's been dead in the water this whole time.

Sooooo - lots to discuss in therapy this week!

Any thoughts and analyses welcome!
TrueRefuge

[Morocha2015]

They are really clever at stating things in a way that only we understand as being really disrespectful! I know it's hard to not respond- but don't. These people feed off this drama, and the worst thing you can do to them is not give them the satisfaction. Can you temporarily block them from your email and phone? You're not truly NC if you're still hearing from them. Your heart needs the peace of truly being free from the chaos in order to heal. Start focusing on things that bring you Joy and make you feel like who you truly are. 

[illogical]

Hi TrueRefuge,

I agree with Morocha2015.  I would not waste any more time trying to communicate with your father.  IMHO, your father wants to be in control, so that's why he's hedging.  He wants to keep you on a string.  No way is he going to accept your "rules" or boundary that you need six months Time-Out.  He doesn't care about your feelings. 

My personal feelings on "truth letters" such as these are they are a waste of time.  I say this based on my own experiences.  But sometimes you have to speak your truth, even though it falls on deaf ears.  So the letter becomes more about you and not about trying to communicate your truth to those who won't hear it.  The letter becomes a way for you to say to yourself, I stood up for me.  And I don't care how they respond.  It doesn't matter. I will not be moved.

In other words, the letter represents your vocalization of how well-grounded you are in your own reality.  Their response is inconsequential.  You are saying to them that they won't be able to persuade to you come into their world, where there is never any compromise, only 100% compliance with how they think you should live your life. 

You've done the work.  Now it's time to take a deep breath and let the chips fall where they may.  You may find that even if you wait until after your brother's wedding to contact them, by that time there is no need, as there wasn't ever much to your relationship to begin with.  What I found in my relationship with my NM and GC brother (both of whom I went NC with) was that our "relationship" wasn't really a relationship at all.  It was all give on my part and take, take, take on theirs.  Not the kind of relationship I want with anyone, even if they are my FOO.  Take care!